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[personal profile] promeny
Here is the 2016 Monthly Synopsis. A lot of people have whined, moaned and bitched about how horrible and miserable this year was, but for me, I feel that it was a decent enough year, although somewhat stagnant.

January: I use weed too much due to it being legal across the state line, and I end up getting all lethargic later on, as well as slightly mentally ill. I personally have no problem with weed, but I do feel that it should not be used daily or even weekly. I find out from a friend that I knew at MTSU that he had a heart attack from drinking too much; he is fine enough now, but it scared both of us, especially since a mutual friend of ours died in a car accident two and half years ago, and I didn't want to lose another friend. I also hung out with a former neighbor and his friend, and I was shocked about the different types of worlds that others live in.

February: I simply get too tired and depressed this month, and I think about my dead mother a lot. There still is hardly a day that goes by where I don't, to be honest. I also read a book where I learn how to meditate more properly, but it does wonky things to my brain. Very strange, because I do not personally remember this.

March: My friend who moved away later in the year found out that her mother had a brain aneurysm, and we were both really afraid that she was going to lose her mother. Fortunately, this did not happen, but she had to be gone for a long time.

April: I decide to stop taking Olanzapine, and at first it was wonderful, because I could finally feel things in life again and I didn't need to use drugs or alcohol to feel alive. Unfortunately, I hadn't really hit the withdrawal effects this month.

May: The withdrawal effects hit, and it was awful. I was disorganized, I felt like vomiting, I couldn't sleep very well, I gagged a lot, I had horrible moods, I had headaches that felt like strokes, I barely ate...just a lot of bad stuff.

June: The withdrawal effects mostly go away by this point, although I still have a lot of trouble focusing and sleeping. I'm pretty sure that my inertia started becoming more severe around now, although it has leveled off a bit. I definitely started reading a lot less around this point (I read only about 40 books this year, which is still impressive for most people, but under-performing for me these days).

July: My brother comes down a little earlier, and we see mother's grave. There were two horses next to the graveyard, and I was really drawn to one; she seemed drawn to me, too. It was really nice meeting that horse; that moment taught me that I can be close to someone. I also went to bars for a little bit, both with my brother and not, but I stopped pretty soon because it just isn't my thing anymore. I admittedly get a little paranoid this month, although it felt wonderful early in the month.

August: I decide to stop drinking alcohol, which has been met with mostly satisfactory success so far. Still, my sleep cycle goes hay-whack and I start having closed eye visuals when sober. The latter was actually really cool and I still experience this on occasion, but unfortunately I still have problems when trying to sleep, especially when I am drinking again. I'm sort of worried about that, actually.

September: My friend leaves for a better job and to live with her sick mother. I understood, and I saw her off. I gave her a Chick-Fil-A sandwich because I felt like I didn't give her enough when we were friends; she liked it, especially since she never had one before. Nothing else really happened, besides trying to deal with the absence of a friend. I also found out around the early part of the month or so that someone I knew online was schizophrenic and killed himself in a grizzly way exactly a year before; that was bizarre.

October: My friend came back and gave me her furniture; she and her husband delivered it to my apartment. They got an odd vibe and while she has talked to me again, it is seldom. I wasn't that creepy, but I will admit that I don't know how to be presentable in my private life, because I just am not around most people most of the time. I've been virtually alone for years, if not all my life. The furniture is a wonderful addition, though.

November: I start getting upset internally, and I end up drinking again, although not as heavily as before and not every day. I feel that this may have set me off further, and contributed to me being disturbed for a while. I turn 33, and I wonder just what the hell I'm doing with my life. My brother comes around, and we have a non-Thanksgiving dinner with my father and his girlfriend. It was a bit odd, although no one was mean or anything. Everyone starts to realize that I just don't do very well during this time of the year.

December: I still drink a lot, although I stop later in the month. There is also a bit more use of DXM, and I catch myself before it goes out of hand, albeit barely. I seriously like I'm losing my mind and am becoming retarded. Obviously, I don't think that either of those two are going to happen, but you never know. My brother comes down again, and that was good, and I have Christmas dinner with my father and his girlfriend, and that was decent. I have horrible sleep for some reason and I'm starting to get worried about it.

Not a terrible year; it was better than 2015, at least. Still, I can't help but to notice that I talk a lot about alcohol and drugs in this online journal, and that is depressing to me. I really don't know what to do about that, besides simply not do it.

August 2017

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