Nov. 23rd, 2015

promeny: (Default)
My birthday was last Friday. I'm 32 now.

I feel okay about it; I was prepared for it, but last week was a very slow week, for some reason. My therapist told me that I don't do well around birthdays, because I reflect and think about my life. Obviously, this causes me to get depressed, since outside of getting a Master's degree I am almost a complete failure. My therapist has seen me go through about five birthdays, so she knows what she is talking about.

The odd thing is that I really don't despise myself. I truly do enjoy life, at least slightly. But I just feel like I am not on the right track. To be fair, though, it may be possible that I really am better off how I am now, for my therapist has seen many people do fine on SSI, and then decide to get a job again, and then they fall right back down. I'm on SSI for everyone's sake, not just for my own. I can get pretty scary, at times, although I haven't acted like a freak in a while. Being able to minimize the stress in my life makes me stable.

To be frank, I'm amazed that I'm still alive and relatively functional. I've had a messed up life.

I had dinner on my birthday with my father and his girlfriend. It was surprisingly not bad, and the food was delicious. Nonetheless, it was still kind of weird to be around that. I just wonder if people really can replace loved ones like that, without much feeling or thought, and have others think that it is perfectly normal. Are relationships truly that shallow, or can others truly not stand being alone? My father couldn't even last a year by himself, whereas I have live a life in almost complete isolation, at least psychologically. I just don't know. I don't have a lot of faith in humanity from all of this, but I think that it is best to simply not think about it. It still makes me wonder, though.

Around a day after my birthday, I came to the realization that I've felt like multiple different people in my life not because I am complex, but just the opposite: I am vacuous inside. People who are empty on the inside are easy to fill up with an outside identity. That is what happened to me in my teens, when I was falsely diagnosed. And then it was forced down my throat, and I was treated like a retarded baby, and I simply didn't ever figure out who I was, or how it could be otherwise. All of that is gone, of course, but no genuine identity has sprung forth to replace it. And I don't think that any ever will. But is this really the same for anyone else? I don't know. A lot of people are pretty vapid, even those who you wouldn't think are. Not that I'm any better than them, outside of my self-awareness; I'm just a loser on SSI.

Oh well. At least things are not entirely boring.

August 2017

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