Dec. 31st, 2016

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December was somewhat of an odd month. I was pretty emotionally upset for a while, and drank a bit more than I had in months. But I still didn't get drunk every day, and I've toned down on it again; in the past week, I've only had alcohol twice. I also smoke a lot less, which is good. I have a fairly strong resolve to stop those bad habits, because it is really hard to have them the older you get. Not to mention, that around my age it isn't seen as being cool anymore and you really just feel like a loser.

I figured out that the reason why I do these things, is really because I do nothing else. This is probably due to low self-esteem, and low energy levels. But the thing is, is that alcohol just makes those issues so much worse. And I have been doing that for years, and what has it done for me? Nothing, at all. Nothing good, at least. I don't completely blame myself, because if it wasn't for the toxic environment that I was in ever since moving back from MTSU, I wouldn't have done that, at least as horribly. Nonetheless, it has just sent my life to the sidetracks, and I'm going to have a hard time getting back on the right path. It is still not too late, especially since I have achieved things in life, but I honestly feel that the chances are low. Still, may as well keep on trying, because the only certain failure is to quit.

I feel that I will start painting. I have always wanted to do that, but hesitated, because again, fear of failure. As someone who has paid attention to surrealism and alternative art for about ten years, I feel that I have gleaned some inspiration, and I certainly have the drive. I will admit that I don't really know enough about technique, but I don't really fuss over the details; it is far more about the message, the greater picture. I feel that painting will keep me from drinking and will actually give me something that I can appreciate. I doubt that I will be absolutely wonderful at it, but I'm not trying to be famous; I have a genuine curiosity about it. The fear of failure is still there, but in reality, how can you really fail at it when you are only doing it for yourself?

My brother came over here a week and a half ago; we went to a restaurant that had all these fancy televisions in it, and then we saw Rogue One. That was actually a good movie; I was surprised, because I generally despise science fiction. It was great having him around again, and we both laughed a lot. I also had Christmas with my father and his girlfriend; that was nice enough, but I detected a mildly sad vibe from him. I asked them questions about the sailing trip (they are going to leave for it in a week or so), and his girlfriend didn't really have an idea about the whole thing, but I could tell that my father knew that they could realistically both die. It is a little disturbing, to be honest. My brother acts like nothing bad is going to happen, but I don't know.

Overall I've just been a little stressed and emotionally snappy and tense. I wish that I wasn't, although since the holidays are almost over, I feel that I will be back to a better condition soon enough.
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Here is the 2016 Monthly Synopsis. A lot of people have whined, moaned and bitched about how horrible and miserable this year was, but for me, I feel that it was a decent enough year, although somewhat stagnant.

January: I use weed too much due to it being legal across the state line, and I end up getting all lethargic later on, as well as slightly mentally ill. I personally have no problem with weed, but I do feel that it should not be used daily or even weekly. I find out from a friend that I knew at MTSU that he had a heart attack from drinking too much; he is fine enough now, but it scared both of us, especially since a mutual friend of ours died in a car accident two and half years ago, and I didn't want to lose another friend. I also hung out with a former neighbor and his friend, and I was shocked about the different types of worlds that others live in.

February: I simply get too tired and depressed this month, and I think about my dead mother a lot. There still is hardly a day that goes by where I don't, to be honest. I also read a book where I learn how to meditate more properly, but it does wonky things to my brain. Very strange, because I do not personally remember this.

March: My friend who moved away later in the year found out that her mother had a brain aneurysm, and we were both really afraid that she was going to lose her mother. Fortunately, this did not happen, but she had to be gone for a long time.

April: I decide to stop taking Olanzapine, and at first it was wonderful, because I could finally feel things in life again and I didn't need to use drugs or alcohol to feel alive. Unfortunately, I hadn't really hit the withdrawal effects this month.

May: The withdrawal effects hit, and it was awful. I was disorganized, I felt like vomiting, I couldn't sleep very well, I gagged a lot, I had horrible moods, I had headaches that felt like strokes, I barely ate...just a lot of bad stuff.

June: The withdrawal effects mostly go away by this point, although I still have a lot of trouble focusing and sleeping. I'm pretty sure that my inertia started becoming more severe around now, although it has leveled off a bit. I definitely started reading a lot less around this point (I read only about 40 books this year, which is still impressive for most people, but under-performing for me these days).

July: My brother comes down a little earlier, and we see mother's grave. There were two horses next to the graveyard, and I was really drawn to one; she seemed drawn to me, too. It was really nice meeting that horse; that moment taught me that I can be close to someone. I also went to bars for a little bit, both with my brother and not, but I stopped pretty soon because it just isn't my thing anymore. I admittedly get a little paranoid this month, although it felt wonderful early in the month.

August: I decide to stop drinking alcohol, which has been met with mostly satisfactory success so far. Still, my sleep cycle goes hay-whack and I start having closed eye visuals when sober. The latter was actually really cool and I still experience this on occasion, but unfortunately I still have problems when trying to sleep, especially when I am drinking again. I'm sort of worried about that, actually.

September: My friend leaves for a better job and to live with her sick mother. I understood, and I saw her off. I gave her a Chick-Fil-A sandwich because I felt like I didn't give her enough when we were friends; she liked it, especially since she never had one before. Nothing else really happened, besides trying to deal with the absence of a friend. I also found out around the early part of the month or so that someone I knew online was schizophrenic and killed himself in a grizzly way exactly a year before; that was bizarre.

October: My friend came back and gave me her furniture; she and her husband delivered it to my apartment. They got an odd vibe and while she has talked to me again, it is seldom. I wasn't that creepy, but I will admit that I don't know how to be presentable in my private life, because I just am not around most people most of the time. I've been virtually alone for years, if not all my life. The furniture is a wonderful addition, though.

November: I start getting upset internally, and I end up drinking again, although not as heavily as before and not every day. I feel that this may have set me off further, and contributed to me being disturbed for a while. I turn 33, and I wonder just what the hell I'm doing with my life. My brother comes around, and we have a non-Thanksgiving dinner with my father and his girlfriend. It was a bit odd, although no one was mean or anything. Everyone starts to realize that I just don't do very well during this time of the year.

December: I still drink a lot, although I stop later in the month. There is also a bit more use of DXM, and I catch myself before it goes out of hand, albeit barely. I seriously like I'm losing my mind and am becoming retarded. Obviously, I don't think that either of those two are going to happen, but you never know. My brother comes down again, and that was good, and I have Christmas dinner with my father and his girlfriend, and that was decent. I have horrible sleep for some reason and I'm starting to get worried about it.

Not a terrible year; it was better than 2015, at least. Still, I can't help but to notice that I talk a lot about alcohol and drugs in this online journal, and that is depressing to me. I really don't know what to do about that, besides simply not do it.

August 2017

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