Apr. 29th, 2017

promeny: (Default)
This has been an odd month.

I now no longer go to the university. Something happened there; it wasn't my fault and when I told everyone about it (I told them everything about it) they were shocked that it happened to me. I don't want to go into too many details because I'm trying to move on in life and it really isn't that big of a deal. I just want to forget about it and close that stagnant chapter in my life. In retrospect, I really should have never hung out there after my business was done, but people kept on telling me that it was no big deal and I really had no other place to go. Little did I know, that people rarely tell you the truth. I just got so many bad vibes from that place for roughly two years, but I didn't know what to do because everyone kept on telling me that nothing was wrong and giving me false support. I don't miss the place at all, and to be honest I'm really not that angry (I was for a little while, though), but I just feel like I wasted so much time in my life, and now I'm paying the price. I really don't know where to move on in my life, although it could be said that it was too late before I even worked there.

It is strange because it is like I now physically and psychologically resemble the person who came back from MTSU in 2010 more than how I was just months ago. That is nice, I guess, but I'm still lost. I'd say by this point that the only real differences between how I am now and how I was then are that my face is more tired-looking, I no longer take anyone at face/surface value and I'm a lot less likely to act like an idiot. Those are really the only differences I can see. In a way, I have a new lease on life, but where to I go? Where is the plan? I know that I have to work for it, but I worked during graduate school and those two measly jobs and I still didn't get anywhere. I have all of this intelligence, and yet everyone thinks that I'm trash. They are likely to say that I was trash before they rejected me, but it is really the other way around; I've simply been too many different types of people.

Just...I don't know. Everyone is angry and I'm the scapegoat. Too many weird things are happening, including cop cars blaring and speeding during the broad daylight, suspicious loud people at night, and even one time where I almost got hit by a semi. Of course, they aren't out to get me, but this stuff almost never happened. This place used to be safe; I used to be able to go out at night with no problems up until now (my previous job required that). Now, I wouldn't dare, even though I'm mostly nocturnal now. People are just acting so strangely. Most others would just say that I am crazy, but I tend to notice things and immediately accept them, whereas they do notice as well, but just brush it off. It has gotten to the point where I barely want to go out for a smoke at night anymore, even though that in and of itself wouldn't do much harm.

Other than that, I'm practicing astral projection a little bit more and I'm actually a bit calmer. Living at night makes me feel at ease and I'm a bit more focused. I also have more energy, for some odd reason. I haven't done a lot with my time yet, but I'm also getting into programming so I might be able to do a handful of things. I have the intelligence to do it, but not the discipline I think. I wouldn't say that I'm lazy; it is just that my mind goes into overdrive and I don't really do much in the real world. I'm in fucking La La Land half the time, and the other half I'm either doing light research or playing an old video game. I wish that I did have a job, but I'd probably be overwhelmed, especially concerning that I'm now used to having so much time on my hands. I don't think that I've squandered either my mind or my life, but I did start off on a path with innumerous obstacles.

I feel, though, that I will do something significant someday. I'm simply too intelligent and motivated. But nothing is for certain, and it would be fair to say that if I was capable, I would have already done it. Everyone sees me as a loser, and I feel that their opinion is accurate.

August 2017

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