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[personal profile] promeny
I haven't posted in a while. Although there have been periods of time when I didn't post for quite a bit longer.

Things have been pretty quiet. I've been kind of sick for a few days, I had dinner with my father and his girlfriend alone for the first time, and I went to have a medical exam, but that is about it.

I realized just yesterday that I'm really no worse off than I would be if I had a decent, full time job with a decent amount of money. I mean, sure, being on SSI and not having a job makes me feel like a loser, but on the other hand it was due to things that were completely out of my control. I think that what really made me angry wasn't that I really was a loser, but that I had proven myself by getting a Master's degree in something that isn't completely useless and yet I was still doomed to work the lowest of the low positions. For a long time, I felt that people were against me and worked towards making sure I was kept down. I still feel this way. But nonetheless, I can at least say that none of it was my fault, and that I have the luxury of having all the time in the world to spend as I wish. Not even most of the very rich have that freedom. Still, I have the feeling that I will never amount to anything, and that gets to me. People say that I'm a brilliant writer, but I have absolutely no idea how to get my poems and essays out there. And without that, you may as well not be writing at all.

I've noticed that I get a lot more angry these days. I guess that I'm more fed up with everything now. I have been wronged in some ways, but not recently. I don't know why this is happening, outside of being more sick. I don't know why I get more sick, either. I used to never get sick.

I just hope that my health is okay. I don't have any explanation for why I get so sick, so as such I kind of wonder why it is happening. I hope that my liver isn't damaged or anything.

Overall, I'm just trying not to feel like a loser. I like to think that I'm not, but I have no proof of that. My mind isn't as good as it used to be, I feel like my health is dwindling away, and I am afraid that I likely have no opportunities to become something great in my life. It is hard to move on, when you have nothing to move on to.
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April 2017

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