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Here is the 2015 Monthly Synopsis. I've been doing this for ten years, although on this account you can only find them going back to 2012. 2015 was a weird year; it wasn't particularly bad, but it definitely wasn't that great, either. A lot of fucking drama.

January: I try to write an autobiography, but fail because it was just too painful. I find out that one of my friends from MTSU had been dead from a car accident for several months, and I sort of feel like a douche, although it was pretty surreal. I try to take Naltrexone, but quit after the second day because I feel that it was giving me a heart attack. Near the end of the month, I get the flu, which was the first time I ever did. It was very miserable and during one night I had such a horrible headache, I felt that I was going to get a stroke.

February: I decide to take a short break from writing, and I start doing DXM every other day, which was fun and educational at the time (I still don't have any regrets about it). However, I overhear my then-roommate talking smack about me in his room later in the month, and it completely changed the living situation. I was smart enough to realize that I was probably better off on my own by that point, but still too sheltered to realize that I was about to get kicked out.

March: One of my friends has her husband die on her, and the other friend had jury duty. I stop doing DXM every other day, and I confront my then-roommate about what I overheard. That was brave of me, but looking back that was probably what prompted him to kick me out so soon, although it is quite possible he would have done it anyway.

April: I start reading more and cooking more in the beginning, but then not only do our neighbors downstairs get their apartment ransacked, but my then-roommate decides to kick me out so he can live with his friend. I understandably slowly start getting very mad, trying to be quiet and polite in public but am fuming in private. Try to find other places to live, but have very little luck; this was the first time I was stressed since my mother was in hospice. I was able to write a 9,000 word document that someone sent an e-mail to me about, though.

May: I get some reflection of my past selves due to May being the anniversary months of me leaving MTSU as well as the beginning of my mother's hospice. I have bad allergies that make my body and brain very odd, and I get privately upset about my father due to not only him forgetting about my mother, but also for him making an extremely dumb, callous comment. I honestly feel like my life is at a breaking point due to the stress and the threat of homelessness, most or all of which could have been avoided if I didn't live with a douchebag who took his insecurities out on me. As it turns out, my then-roommate's plan to live with his friend didn't work out, so his clever plan justifiably blew up in his face. I start writing poems to distract myself, or at least I said that I did back then.

June: Find the place that I live in now, and move into the place near the end of the month. Nonetheless, I'm still pissed off and worked up for a while. Finish writing a book of poetry, although I don't really remember doing that. When my then-roommate confronts me about expenses that I couldn't afford, I actually scream at him out of pent-up anger; I felt bad about it, but at least I finally had some balls. It gets worked out, though, and I left the apartment uneventfully; my friend helped me move with his truck. I feel optimistic about the place because I had the belief that this place could give me the ability to make better choices for myself, and that actually turns out to be true.

July: I love the place that I moved to, and the lack of constant internet access actually makes me happier (it still does, for the most part). I met my brother's then-girlfriend, and she seemed okay at the time, despite later turning out to have a lot of problems. But I never saw that happen personally, so that is neither here nor there. I find out that my ex-roommate was stranded at the old place without roommates for a while when I paid him the money that I owed, thus he had to pay a lot more money due to his failed plan. I wasn't happy about that, but he did deserve it. I found out that my father put his girlfriend's dog to sleep, and that made me sad despite not being close to it (it wasn't a stupid dog, just very ugly).

August: My father tells me that they plan on going on a sailing trip down the coast of Mexico, which I think was very foolish, especially when they tell me that they don't care if they die on the trip. When I told my sister about the first part in a worried voice, she at first didn't get why I was upset, but when I added the second part, she flipped out and said that our father was saying stuff like that when he wanted to die. They haven't gone on it yet, but they are still preparing, and I can't stop them. I start to drink only every other day, which I still do and I have since then sharply reduced my alcohol intake. I also get into Existentialism, which I believe to be an interesting school of philosophy.

September: Not a lot happened. A guy at my apartment complex disappeared, and there was a fuckload of empty tallboys of malt liquor in his apartment that had to be removed. It made me think about my potential future.

October: My father tells me in a roundabout way during dinner in front of his girlfriend that they are going to get married. This makes me privately very upset, because he promised my mother on her deathbed that he would never do that. My hair falls out and I feel like I am dying, even though I'm not. I think about both moving away to different town just to get away from this crap, and to get a job at Orange Julius so that I can save up for a move. I do try the latter, but I get denied. I start to realize that I really don't fit into where I live anymore.

November: I turn 32, and the week that my birthday fell on was very slow and odd. It made me think about my life too much. I had dinner with my father and his girlfriend, and while it was a good dinner, it was odd to be around them. It made me start to seriously consider that most people just have relatively shallow relationships with others, and can replace just about anyone in their lives.

December: I start to get worked up and manic in the beginning of the month; for a while, my life felt magical again. But eventually, it calmed down, and now I'm back to my basic, depressed self. My brother came over for Christmas, and that was great. He broke up with his girlfriend, and I find out many things, one of which being that his life was threatened once. He now understands to never get involved with any woman with kids again, or at least he seems like it. I offer for him to move in with me, which he might do, but he will probably find another place to live. In any case, I start wondering about the fallacy of love, the fact that being alone is what is best for me, and how my friends will get fewer and fewer over time. Probably the same old shit.

Wow, that was actually a really hard year. I'm surprised that I ended up doing so well. I had to put up with a lot of fucking shit.

August 2017

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