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[personal profile] promeny
The past two weeks or so have been relatively productive. I no longer have inertia, and generally get things done.

Still, I had a sadness come over me for a few days. I was reminded about my dead mother, and from that I was reminded by death in general. Those two topics plagued my mind for a while, and it was not uncommon to see things in the environment that reminded me of them. About a week ago, I saw a woman about my age (maybe slightly older) at the coffee place in the commons that vaguely looked like my mother; almost no one looks like my mother, so it couldn't have been a coincidence. In a way, it felt nice, but in another, it felt horrible, for it reminded me that my mother is gone forever, and has been for a while.

I told my therapist during my last session that my father taught me that there was no such thing as love. She said that to believe that was stupid, and that I should learn that love is real, for I still love my mother in my heart. This is true, and I am relieved, but not only does it do me little good, but I dare say that such feelings are rare. I suppose that it is natural, though, since I was a bit closer to my mother than most people are, or were. I was normally by her side when I was a lot younger, and made sure to talk to her at least every week when I was away at MTSU. I wonder if I will be that close to anyone again? I doubt it, but it is possible. I'm the sort of guy who kind of wants to be by himself, most of the time.

I've been reading Theosophy again, this time "The Other Side of Death" by C.W. Leadbeater. It is quite an interesting book and the author is a very decent writer (if not slightly loopy), but what was funny was that about two years ago I read another book of his called "The Way to Seership" and at the end of the very large book, it told you to simply meditate. It didn't even tell you how to do so. Well, in this current book, it brought up meditation in quite vivid detail, to the point where I tried it myself two days ago. Using a mantra to concentrate on my desire, I was able to have very fleeting visions, but the meditation caused me to stay up for hours. I am not sure why that happened. Nonetheless, I thought that what I did was very cool, to say the least, and also quite promising. I will definitely do it again, for I feel that I should do this in order to prepare me for a higher existence after this one.

I had an odd dream last night. It started with me in my old high school, in a room reserved for special education students, except the classroom was filled with normal kids. I don't remember what the teacher was talking about, but then I was transported to a room filled with philosophers, and I was a set of electronics. I blurted out some ignorant comment that I actually made years ago, and one person started to insult me, and another commended him on his venomous behavior. He then tried to kill me by trying to destroy my CPU, but he failed, and instead just took my speakers. I then revolved to go to the parking lot to either remove the taillights from his car or to cut his brakes. Needless to say, it then cut to another scene, where I was in my parents' old bedroom in Oak Harbor. I was seeing my finances and my mother commented on how I needed to watch my money, which I confirmed and then set out to find a plasma center (where they would give me money in exchange for my plasma), and then to hang out at a place that I hanged out earlier in my dreams about a year ago (this confirms the existence of an inner dream world, to me). But then, I couldn't leave, and I watched a risque music video with my brother and sister. It then cut to a presentation done by a surrealist artist, and I drew a picture with a pencil during the presentation, being highly motivated. I then saw an exposition of a doll blowing balloons, only for it to turn into something else, and then it went backstage, where a set of parents overdosed their daughter with cold medicine and she ended up a vegetable. Then, it was me and siblings on broomsticks, flying over a bland, brown beach, with my brother making the comment that the girl was brain dead. I told him fairly lucidly that she wasn't quite, since she could breathe on her own and that in turn implied that her medulla oblongata was functional. We then ended up landing to where our parents were, and I saw an unusual Game Gear cartridge in front of me. My father told me that I was going to work until I cried at night, and I protested, but that was the end of the dream.

Whew, what a mouthful. I think that I know what this all means. The classroom represented the notion that I was about to be taught something. The philosophy thing represents what I want to be, but have obstacles in. The music video represents what I despise in this society. The art presentation represented what I truly wanted to aspire to. The poor vegetable girl represents my worst fear. The money thing was about my current worries. The Game Gear cartridge represents the last of my material desires (there are only two things that I want to accumulate: used books and old video games). And finally, the demand from my father represents the demands made on me on how to live my life.

That dream was very interesting; perhaps one of the most important dreams I have ever had. I woke up early today, thinking about what I learned from it, and I basically came to the conclusion that this life is my life, and that I am going to live it up to my standards, and if others have a problem with that, then that is solely their own problem. I'm not selfish; I simply want to be left alone. I would be selfish if I made demands out of others, but I never do that. All in all, I think that I am living my life the best that I can.
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April 2017

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