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[personal profile] promeny
Wow, it has been almost a month since I last updated this journal. I guess that I sort of hit a lull.

In any case, not a whole lot is going on, although I get the feeling that shit might hit the fan soon. I mean, it will anyway, but I sort of get an odd premonition. My dad is still gone and I have not heard from him; he is rarely gone for over a month (although it is barely over that line), so I should be sort of concerned. What he is doing isn't really all that safe (hell, the drive to the place itself isn't safe), so it just be a matter of time. Who knows, though? I don't actually know the future; no one does.

My friend and former boss was gone all of last week, during the spring break for the students. I thought that it was odd, and no one knew where she was. Turns out, her mother fell ill and now she's still with her; it might be something serious. I feel really bad for her; she has kind of had a hard few months so far.

I hung out with someone a week ago, and smoked weed with him. I also drank one of his homebrewed beers. The beer was awesome, but the weed hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't go crazy, but it was odd to be like that around others. He wasn't freaked out by me (thank God), but if I'm going to do that again, I'm probably going to smoke less of it. Drugs are more of a solitary thing for me, now.

Speaking of drugs, I've decided that weed and DXM are pretty much going to be the only ones that I do from now on. Everything else is basically "been there, done that". Hell, I'm trying to quit tobacco and alcohol, too, because those two drugs are worthless, at least as a loner. But there is no trying, there is only a doing, that I have found out. I mean, if you really want to, you just stop. End of story. To say "trying" means that you will allow failure, which I can't anymore. Why should I? It is destroying me, physically, mentally and financially. Time to find some other outlet.

I just recently realized that while I'm still slightly young, I'm well into my thirties and I need to act like it. Fortunately, I generally do. I'm not immature, per se, I'm just lost because I didn't have many mentors growing up, my parents didn't raise me right, and I'm socially isolated, meaning that I'd had to figure things out on my own. I eventually do, but it has taken me a bit longer than anyone else. What was important to realize was that most people see me as either being normal or only slightly odd, and I was raised with others thinking that I was this huge problem, so as such I just don't know what to think of myself. But I'll move on, and I'll figure it out. Some things are already working themselves out, like a lowered sex drive, no longer playing eroge, and a general lack of interest in things that are a bit younger than I should be interested in. I never was really juvenile or anything, especially since I have a lot of sophisticated interests too, such as philosophy, spirituality, and academic writing, but I definite had a nerdy interest or three. Nothing hugely wrong with it, and I shouldn't get rid of it entirely, but still, don't want them to get worse, you know? And besides, growth is good, for the most part.

I think that what helped me with growing up is that just a few weeks ago I realized that being really angry or enraged doesn't do me any good; it just sets me back and distracts me. I can't believe that it took me so long to realize that, but better late than never. I try not to get angry anymore, and instead to just move on and avoid the things that I can avoid.

I've been wondering about living nocturnally. I lived a daily swing-shift life for over a year, so I know I can do it. Why do I want to do this? I get the feeling that my friends are going to gradually disappear soon, and I just don't really want to deal with others anymore. That might sound unhealthy, but I just want to be more productive with less distractions. During the day I have trouble staying awake, and during the night I have a hard time going to sleep virtually all the time. I'm wondering if I should live during the night, and if that would be better for me. Part of it is to have little to do with others, and the other part is to discipline myself. I wouldn't be able to drink beer as much, since drinking during you've just awoken is stupid and getting beer during the early morning is absurd. Not to mention that I can focus my energy on studying shit and finally getting more shit done. Perhaps I'm always drained by the people and the constant noise? I don't know, but it is worth trying out. I can always switch back, if I have to.

Overall, that is it. I want to write again, but I have to do a little bit more research, as always.
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April 2017

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