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It has been about a month again.

Things have gotten better, I think. August has gone by surprisingly fast; July felt like it was three months cramped into one, whereas August felt like it was about half as long as it actually was.

I've been reading a bit more, which is good for me. I've also been drinking a lot less, because I no longer feel the need to anymore. I only have alcohol about once a week now, if that. It is too soon to tell if this will go on to be a better thing, but it seems promising so far. I also haven't done drugs, for the most part. Part of that is because I'm worried about my mental state, and most of it is because I no longer need either drugs or alcohol to feel high, or really anything else anymore.

I can't believe that taking myself off that damn medication brought about my actual improvement. I also can't believe that I was on that medication for about three years. I'm going to make damn sure that I will not be put on a medication like that again.

I think that my memory and my ability to speak fluent conversations has improved, but I have no serious idea about either issue. It is hard to know, because I don't talk much anymore, and what is the point of having a good memory when every day is almost the same? Or rather, how can you tell that you have a good memory when you live like that?

One of my friends is moving away in about a month. She has to take care of her mother, who fell ill almost six months ago. I feel pretty bad for her, but on the side of the same token, she didn't really like being here, so it is for the best. Not to mention that she's been here for five years and I've been around her for that long, too, so it is time for both of us to move on, I think.

I'm really starting to feel uncomfortable when I go to the university. I simply stick out like I'm an older loser. The library itself isn't an inappropriate location to visit, but I'm so much older than the kids that go there and they just look and act so young. I actually started to feel this way exactly four years ago, but it was only a subtle feeling back then. Now, I just seem like a creep that never made it in life, who has had all of his youth drained out of him and just wanders around like a ghost of the past. I really only have my past in this town, when you think about it, but at least I have something here, because no matter where I go, I'm not going to have any future. But when you think about it, I don't think that there is such a thing.

I really only go there to see another friend who gives me coffee. That's it. I really like that friend a lot, though, so I don't want to stop going in general, at least for a while.

I just can't relate to people anymore. I mean, they just seem to be a lot more stupid. I don't think that it is because I'm better than them, so much as that I simply read a lot more books and educate myself on the things that others are neglecting (mostly knowledge of the past). For several years, I thought that I was stupid and others were smarter than me, and perhaps for a time that was true, but now it is clearly the opposite. The question is, though, what am I going to do about that? I don't know if that question has an answer.

I just don't know anymore. At least I know what I want to write about now (or at least I have better ideas), however I'm not even going to bother mentioning them, because there is no reason to state them when I'll likely just drop them, like I do with most things. But I'm not bitter or depressed; my life is improving...I just don't know what kind of end it will have. I mean, it is obvious now that all of my opportunities have dried up, and I even took some of those opportunities and got nothing back, so...
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I'm doing alright. Most of the withdrawal has calmed down or gone away; I still have problems going to sleep, eating enough, and having nausea, though. I can suck in my stomach very well, and my nausea is so bad that I sometimes gag for no reason at all, but for the most part I am not suffering. About a week ago, I gagged in front of a young lady who is a clerk where I like to get my smokes and beer, and both her and another girl laughed. She actually did an impersonation, but when I told her why I was doing that, she felt bad for me.

I can't really drink alcohol too much anymore, and I sure as hell don't want to do any drugs. Partially because I no longer feel the need to, but mostly because it just seems so degenerate and unhealthy. I really need to grow out of doing that stuff. I've said in the past that I have felt like an immature douche for doing that for so long, but this time it has really hit me hard. I have only done drugs twice since I went off of Olanzapine, and they were light doses. I did not really like how they made me feel; it was more like an mediocre distraction than anything else. I can still see why I did that, since drugs used to be the only way for me to feel anything, but now there is just no point to it anymore. I still drink beer, but only two or three of them now. I can't even handle a 40 oz anymore, because it will make me vomit; only weeks ago, I could handle six pints, and now that just seems insane to me. I still can't believe that I used to drink that much every day.

Outside of that, my mind is a bit more scatterbrained, but on the side of the same token, I feel just as intelligent as I used to, if not more so. I'm just less pointed and focused in my thoughts, I suppose, which is sort of bad but at the same time, it can lead to greater creativity. I also have a lot more energy now, which is odd, but welcome. I've been able to actually clean my apartment and rearrange stuff; I vacuumed the floors (that was a first), sorted through my possessions, cleaned my dishes, swiped the floors, cleaned the bathroom, and moved my bed. All in all, I'm very proud of myself for finally taking care of things, although it was never too dirty around here. I might get a desk to put in my bedroom so I can actually use that room; that would be nice.

My memory doesn't seem to be as good as it used to be, but I could be wrong about that. It could very well be because I'm readjusting to my more natural way of thinking.

That is about it, for now. Not really anything else going on.
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I actually feel great today (because I didn't have any alcohol or weed yesterday), but for the past two weeks or so, I had felt pretty down. Not depressed, per se, but I definitely had a sense of avolition. I just could not bring myself to do anything, including reading books. All I really did was drink beer and play video games, although not to a horrible extreme. I don't really know why that happened, except for maybe the fact that it was a natural consequence of using weed too much. I also had a really hard time getting out of bed in the morning, sometimes waking up as late as one in the afternoon. I don't think it was the alcohol in and of itself, although it does play a factor in my emotional lability. Truth be told, I never really experienced anything like this. But I was eventually able to do the things necessary to keep myself in order, such as clean my dishes, take care of bills, and give myself a haircut (I really needed to do that). And now, I feel pretty good about myself, although I used weed three days ago and that really set me on edge for a while.

Frankly, I think that this tells me that I should not use weed very often. Knowing that I don't like to become non-productive, this really does seem like a good idea.

I met with my father three days ago, and I was able to bring some things up that bothered me about what he was doing. He was a bit defensive, but it ended well and some things got clarified. It took me a lot of courage to do that, and I think that it was good for me to have done so. I think that it took me months to prepare for that, though.

I've been having odd, vivid dreams for a few days. One was the typical recurring dream where me and my family are driving on a highway by a large body of water, and we go off the road and into the body of water, except in this case we didn't go back on the road, but stayed in the car underwater. There was another where I was swimming in a lake similar to the one I used to go to when much younger, and it was almost all in a translucent purple/blue hue. And then just two nights ago I had a dream where this older man stabbed me in my left testicle and I felt real pain; as it turns out, I do have intermittent pain there in my waking life. Just this morning, I had two different dreams of me going into these weird, brown towers on a rocky plain, and then meeting someone I knew from high school in a community college library and getting into an argument with him (it started with me saying "I do not understand your analogy...", which is something I would say in real life). Just very weird, vivid dreams. I've talked before about how I think that there is a separate world that you go into in your dreams, or perhaps that it is the afterlife that you have when you cease to exist in the physical world, but no one can say for certain. Either way, I should study on how to increase my lucidity in my dreams.

I might write a document on dimensional thought. It sounds daunting and pretentious, but it is somewhat more simple than it sounds. I should at least try to do it.

Well, I should pick my life back up and start reading again. The weather has been unusually warm for a few days, which worried me at first but today I found it quite nice.
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Here is the 2015 Monthly Synopsis. I've been doing this for ten years, although on this account you can only find them going back to 2012. 2015 was a weird year; it wasn't particularly bad, but it definitely wasn't that great, either. A lot of fucking drama.

January: I try to write an autobiography, but fail because it was just too painful. I find out that one of my friends from MTSU had been dead from a car accident for several months, and I sort of feel like a douche, although it was pretty surreal. I try to take Naltrexone, but quit after the second day because I feel that it was giving me a heart attack. Near the end of the month, I get the flu, which was the first time I ever did. It was very miserable and during one night I had such a horrible headache, I felt that I was going to get a stroke.

February: I decide to take a short break from writing, and I start doing DXM every other day, which was fun and educational at the time (I still don't have any regrets about it). However, I overhear my then-roommate talking smack about me in his room later in the month, and it completely changed the living situation. I was smart enough to realize that I was probably better off on my own by that point, but still too sheltered to realize that I was about to get kicked out.

March: One of my friends has her husband die on her, and the other friend had jury duty. I stop doing DXM every other day, and I confront my then-roommate about what I overheard. That was brave of me, but looking back that was probably what prompted him to kick me out so soon, although it is quite possible he would have done it anyway.

April: I start reading more and cooking more in the beginning, but then not only do our neighbors downstairs get their apartment ransacked, but my then-roommate decides to kick me out so he can live with his friend. I understandably slowly start getting very mad, trying to be quiet and polite in public but am fuming in private. Try to find other places to live, but have very little luck; this was the first time I was stressed since my mother was in hospice. I was able to write a 9,000 word document that someone sent an e-mail to me about, though.

May: I get some reflection of my past selves due to May being the anniversary months of me leaving MTSU as well as the beginning of my mother's hospice. I have bad allergies that make my body and brain very odd, and I get privately upset about my father due to not only him forgetting about my mother, but also for him making an extremely dumb, callous comment. I honestly feel like my life is at a breaking point due to the stress and the threat of homelessness, most or all of which could have been avoided if I didn't live with a douchebag who took his insecurities out on me. As it turns out, my then-roommate's plan to live with his friend didn't work out, so his clever plan justifiably blew up in his face. I start writing poems to distract myself, or at least I said that I did back then.

June: Find the place that I live in now, and move into the place near the end of the month. Nonetheless, I'm still pissed off and worked up for a while. Finish writing a book of poetry, although I don't really remember doing that. When my then-roommate confronts me about expenses that I couldn't afford, I actually scream at him out of pent-up anger; I felt bad about it, but at least I finally had some balls. It gets worked out, though, and I left the apartment uneventfully; my friend helped me move with his truck. I feel optimistic about the place because I had the belief that this place could give me the ability to make better choices for myself, and that actually turns out to be true.

July: I love the place that I moved to, and the lack of constant internet access actually makes me happier (it still does, for the most part). I met my brother's then-girlfriend, and she seemed okay at the time, despite later turning out to have a lot of problems. But I never saw that happen personally, so that is neither here nor there. I find out that my ex-roommate was stranded at the old place without roommates for a while when I paid him the money that I owed, thus he had to pay a lot more money due to his failed plan. I wasn't happy about that, but he did deserve it. I found out that my father put his girlfriend's dog to sleep, and that made me sad despite not being close to it (it wasn't a stupid dog, just very ugly).

August: My father tells me that they plan on going on a sailing trip down the coast of Mexico, which I think was very foolish, especially when they tell me that they don't care if they die on the trip. When I told my sister about the first part in a worried voice, she at first didn't get why I was upset, but when I added the second part, she flipped out and said that our father was saying stuff like that when he wanted to die. They haven't gone on it yet, but they are still preparing, and I can't stop them. I start to drink only every other day, which I still do and I have since then sharply reduced my alcohol intake. I also get into Existentialism, which I believe to be an interesting school of philosophy.

September: Not a lot happened. A guy at my apartment complex disappeared, and there was a fuckload of empty tallboys of malt liquor in his apartment that had to be removed. It made me think about my potential future.

October: My father tells me in a roundabout way during dinner in front of his girlfriend that they are going to get married. This makes me privately very upset, because he promised my mother on her deathbed that he would never do that. My hair falls out and I feel like I am dying, even though I'm not. I think about both moving away to different town just to get away from this crap, and to get a job at Orange Julius so that I can save up for a move. I do try the latter, but I get denied. I start to realize that I really don't fit into where I live anymore.

November: I turn 32, and the week that my birthday fell on was very slow and odd. It made me think about my life too much. I had dinner with my father and his girlfriend, and while it was a good dinner, it was odd to be around them. It made me start to seriously consider that most people just have relatively shallow relationships with others, and can replace just about anyone in their lives.

December: I start to get worked up and manic in the beginning of the month; for a while, my life felt magical again. But eventually, it calmed down, and now I'm back to my basic, depressed self. My brother came over for Christmas, and that was great. He broke up with his girlfriend, and I find out many things, one of which being that his life was threatened once. He now understands to never get involved with any woman with kids again, or at least he seems like it. I offer for him to move in with me, which he might do, but he will probably find another place to live. In any case, I start wondering about the fallacy of love, the fact that being alone is what is best for me, and how my friends will get fewer and fewer over time. Probably the same old shit.

Wow, that was actually a really hard year. I'm surprised that I ended up doing so well. I had to put up with a lot of fucking shit.
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A lot of things are different now. One friend is back, and the other will be soon. I finished my poetry book and am going to order copies soon. I talked about what I overheard my roommate saying with him and he apologized, and we're on good terms again. I don't do DXM every other day anymore, and haven't for two weeks; I don't regret doing that, but I think I'm going to take a break from it for a while. I haven't even lost the magic; I just feel that I should give myself a break. It was hard to recover from it at first, but I'm a lot better now. Doing it that often can really fuck up your brain, although it seems to be temporary and I have pretty much recovered by now.

I obtained inspiration to write a fictional story from using DXM last night, and I'm going to begin today. I don't know what the title is going to be, though. I barely even know what the story is. The last time I tried writing fiction, it ended up being way different than I thought it would be. But that is okay, because in most ways letting your subconscious take over is for the best. You learn more about yourself that way, in any case.

I've begun reading again, albeit very lightly. I don't think that I'll read as many books this year as I did last year, but nothing is certain.

I might try out sleep deprivation soon, just to see what it is like. I'm very curious about it.

Outside of that, nothing much has happened. Kind of quiet.
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Not a whole lot has been happening. Both my friend and my therapist have been gone, so I've sort of retreated into this ultra-negative mindset that seems to empower me, but at the expense of being a decent human being. I honestly think it is kind of cool, but I really can't be like that all the time.

In any case both are going to be back this week, so hopefully I will get back into good spirits.

The diet is working somewhat; I do feel less tired, although I was pretty tired today. I have been thinking about going back to work in the distant future, but that will require me to move. Not only that, it seems that I'm still disorganized and distracted without the fatigue, so as such it may not be the best idea. Oh well, it isn't like I'm just wasting my time right now.

I'm going to try to stop drinking alcohol; it will be somewhat hard, though. Fortunately my health isn't bad from it, but it can really only go downhill from here if I decide to continue. I just have to find a way to replace it; meditation might work, and I've been having more success with that.

Other than that I'm just dealing with internal pains and hatred, as well as reading a bit on Satanism. That is a surprisingly diverse religion. I've sort of gotten into I-Ching, and my Occult knowledge seems to have expanded a bit. But outside of that, not a lot is going on.
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I've been staying away from alcohol for the past week; I can tell that I'm already losing some weight, as well as not being so hungry and saving some money. It was important to do because it was making me more emotional disturbed during this trying time of the year, so I need to be as sober as possible.

I do plan on doing DXM on the next full moon, though, which is coincidentally just a week from my mother's death anniversary. But it will have been a month from not using it, so that is still progress.

I've been staying up later and waking up a lot later, too. I wonder if the abstinence from alcohol is doing that.

I bought some used books yesterday: one on hacking, one on parallel programming, and two on Theosophy. I think that it was the best score I've had in a while. I value my books than almost all of my other possessions, and I'm grateful that most people don't steal them.

I'm not sure if I will move to Portland. I probably will, but I was also thinking of other cities. I should think about it after the death anniversary.

In any case I'm still writing, although not as much, and I'm reading on Paganism. I don't really agree with Paganism in that it values the physical and the ordinary, mundane side of life, although it does stress that humans are not the center of existence, which I do agree with. Instead, I value the supernatural and the phenomenal, and chose to focus on things that are almost exclusively otherworldly and non-human. I guess that the term "Spiritualist" would be the better one to use for what I am by this point.

All is surprisingly quiet, and relatively calm. My brother is coming over two days from now and we plan on visiting our mother's grave on Saturday, which is the two year anniversary of her death. Oddly, our father will be gone on a trip with his girlfriend, which is both odd and insulting, but at least they won't show up together at her grave.

Worse things could happen.
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I've been in some mental and emotional tumult over the past few weeks, but I'm not sure why. I mean, I am focusing on some deep-rooted obsessions and fears, but why? My roommate thinks that it is due to the solar flares that keep on happening. Possible; I am indeed a sensitive person. Maybe God or the spirits are putting me through a trial, in order to see how I progress. I still believe in God, despite him being silent in this world. My faith in Christianity is stronger than ever; every time I read the Bible I feel more convinced of it's truth. It isn't perfect, of course; for one thing, it doesn't care about slavery, which should be obvious in its wrongfulness. But I agree with it more than I disagree.

Today a woman showed up saying that they were going to cut the electricity due to my other roommate's lack of responsibility for paying his earlier debt that was carried over when he moved here. I had to use part of my emergency money in order to make sure they didn't cut the power. I really saved the day for all of us, but me and the main roommate were pretty mad about the whole thing; oddly, him moreso than me, since I don't care very much about money. But we had some good talks about it and we're going to confront the other roommate sometime soon. Pretty fucking important, I dare say.

One very important thing to note is that I've been having lucid dreams and astral projections recently. A week ago I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep, but I eventually did and I ended up having my first real lucid dream. It was funny how it happened; I just went through it as a normal dream (it was about someone trying to raid a warped version of our apartment), and then my main roommate said to me "Guy, do you know that this is all a dream?" And then I was all like, "Woah." Then a fully lucid dream began, where I wandered around an environment that was unpredictable. What was noticeable was that the whole series of dreams began the same as it did last time, with me zooming into a tunnel of light squares, except they weren't very bright and were bluish in color.

And then there was last night. Same situation; woke up around one or two in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep for hours. But around five in the morning, I tried to go back to sleep; and then I could feel the familiar distortions of dissociation, and shortly a tunnel of triangles appeared, and I went through them. Suddenly, I was in a field of a very vivid matrix of angled spheroids that kept on zooming in rapidly, one after another; it put all of the visions that I had on DXM to shame. And then I was transported to a very vivid, lifelike world comprised of colorful plants and fungi that adorned a skywalk; this did intrigue me, but it was very draining and eventually I got bored and said to myself "I want to just be in the dream world." And suddenly, I was in a much less colorful and vivid environment, but I could control my actions and I was fully aware of what I was doing. I remember the dream fairly well, but it was very different than the astral projection.

It seems that the more it happens to you, the more likely it is to be successful. I have never experienced anything like this before, not even lucid dreams. But for some reason, I now have the power to ascend not only to the dream world, but also the astral. I wonder where all of this will take me.
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I feel better today.

I talked to some friends in the morning, including one I haven't talked to in a while. The friend who was my former boss said that she could see that I could become a hermit now that I have internet once more. I told her that I could see that happening, too, but I've grown to appreciate the outdoors as well as books, so as such I will still go out a bit. However, it must be said that I have spent a bit of my day online ever since we got internet back; I can definitely feel it creeping up on me. It is enjoyable, though; I don't think it will get in the way of producing things, so long as I set aside time to do my constructive hobbies.

The internet really does have a way in shaping your mind and life, though. It is a shame that most of the influence is garbage and junk.

I've been eating less; just slices of fancy bread from the co-op, and some vegetables. I think that I will lose more weight pretty easily, especially since I haven't drank beer in two days and wouldn't mind not drinking it for a while. My health feels quite good, which is a relief since I was worried about it a little while ago.

So yeah, boring stuff. Just taking a break, pretty much. Usually a boring life is a happy one, but not always.

April 2017

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