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This month was really weird.

The election happened three weeks ago, and to my surprise, Trump won. I actually had a feeling that he would win, and even had a precognitive dream that he would win by a landslide (he did). Still, I had no proof, and I was a little worried at first, but when it turned out that he won, I was just happy that the other person lost, and that I won't have to put up with most of the liberal bullshit for a while. I spent several days afterwards in a euphoria, and I started drinking again to a somewhat greater extent. But after a week later, I burned out, and now I feel really shitty.

I didn't even vote. It wouldn't have mattered, anyway.

I turned 33 nine days ago. I was dreading it, but when I had my birthday, I felt relieved, but after it passed I started wondering if I was really living my life as I should be. I honestly feel really pathetic about myself. I have to admit that the past six and a half years have been a disappointment and I feel like I am damaged goods, although to be fair, I broke down a lot later than most people in my situation tend to. I don't really think about it anymore; 33 isn't that horrible of an age, although to be honest my life was a lot more fun back in my early-to-mid 20s.

I've been getting dreams that are a lot more vivid now, since my birthday past. I think that if you are still celibate every three years or so after you hit 30, you gain more magical power. These dreams often tell me things that I need to heed, like the one I had before the election. I like them so far, and I wonder how powerful they will get later on.

Thanksgiving was weird. I didn't even have a proper Thanksgiving, although I did get a nice traditional meal for free the day before on campus. It was at a cafeteria that I hadn't had a meal at in several years, and it was also the first time I had a free meal in a while. I was very appreciative of it. Two days after the holiday, my brother was in town and we all had dinner together; the two of us also hung out at the mall beforehand and went to a bar afterwards. Being at the mall with him was wonderful, and he bought new bed-sheets for me as a birthday present, but the dinner was a little strange and going to the bar was a little depressing. No one at dinner said anything horrible (at least not intentionally) but I had to wonder, "What would Mom think of this?" As for the bar, my brother chose a bar that I used to go to when I was in my late 20s; there was a bartender there that I hated and he gave me a cold glare, although it was not particularly menacing. I quietly told my brother for us to move upstairs because I couldn't stand the guy, and he acted like it was mildly humorous. I loved talking to my brother, but we only had one beer each and didn't feel well; part of that was the meal we had (it was too greasy, although not bad-tasting), but we although thought that the beer was a bit off. Not just that, but I got a really bad vibe from the place, and if it wasn't for my brother there, I would have freaked out on the inside. So obviously, we didn't get drunk, and it would have been inappropriate, in any case.

My brother left the next day, and he got home fine. He cleaned my floors when he came by in the morning, and that prompted me to clean my bathroom. It was sort of a big task, and I did do it, but it took me a while. I didn't even hate doing it, despite it being kind of gross; I just work too slowly, and it annoys me.

Other than that, few things have happened, I think. Time has passed very slowly, for some reason, and the fabric of reality seems to have been restructured in some way. But it is kind of nice, in a way.
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The past two weeks or so have been relatively productive. I no longer have inertia, and generally get things done.

Still, I had a sadness come over me for a few days. I was reminded about my dead mother, and from that I was reminded by death in general. Those two topics plagued my mind for a while, and it was not uncommon to see things in the environment that reminded me of them. About a week ago, I saw a woman about my age (maybe slightly older) at the coffee place in the commons that vaguely looked like my mother; almost no one looks like my mother, so it couldn't have been a coincidence. In a way, it felt nice, but in another, it felt horrible, for it reminded me that my mother is gone forever, and has been for a while.

I told my therapist during my last session that my father taught me that there was no such thing as love. She said that to believe that was stupid, and that I should learn that love is real, for I still love my mother in my heart. This is true, and I am relieved, but not only does it do me little good, but I dare say that such feelings are rare. I suppose that it is natural, though, since I was a bit closer to my mother than most people are, or were. I was normally by her side when I was a lot younger, and made sure to talk to her at least every week when I was away at MTSU. I wonder if I will be that close to anyone again? I doubt it, but it is possible. I'm the sort of guy who kind of wants to be by himself, most of the time.

I've been reading Theosophy again, this time "The Other Side of Death" by C.W. Leadbeater. It is quite an interesting book and the author is a very decent writer (if not slightly loopy), but what was funny was that about two years ago I read another book of his called "The Way to Seership" and at the end of the very large book, it told you to simply meditate. It didn't even tell you how to do so. Well, in this current book, it brought up meditation in quite vivid detail, to the point where I tried it myself two days ago. Using a mantra to concentrate on my desire, I was able to have very fleeting visions, but the meditation caused me to stay up for hours. I am not sure why that happened. Nonetheless, I thought that what I did was very cool, to say the least, and also quite promising. I will definitely do it again, for I feel that I should do this in order to prepare me for a higher existence after this one.

I had an odd dream last night. It started with me in my old high school, in a room reserved for special education students, except the classroom was filled with normal kids. I don't remember what the teacher was talking about, but then I was transported to a room filled with philosophers, and I was a set of electronics. I blurted out some ignorant comment that I actually made years ago, and one person started to insult me, and another commended him on his venomous behavior. He then tried to kill me by trying to destroy my CPU, but he failed, and instead just took my speakers. I then revolved to go to the parking lot to either remove the taillights from his car or to cut his brakes. Needless to say, it then cut to another scene, where I was in my parents' old bedroom in Oak Harbor. I was seeing my finances and my mother commented on how I needed to watch my money, which I confirmed and then set out to find a plasma center (where they would give me money in exchange for my plasma), and then to hang out at a place that I hanged out earlier in my dreams about a year ago (this confirms the existence of an inner dream world, to me). But then, I couldn't leave, and I watched a risque music video with my brother and sister. It then cut to a presentation done by a surrealist artist, and I drew a picture with a pencil during the presentation, being highly motivated. I then saw an exposition of a doll blowing balloons, only for it to turn into something else, and then it went backstage, where a set of parents overdosed their daughter with cold medicine and she ended up a vegetable. Then, it was me and siblings on broomsticks, flying over a bland, brown beach, with my brother making the comment that the girl was brain dead. I told him fairly lucidly that she wasn't quite, since she could breathe on her own and that in turn implied that her medulla oblongata was functional. We then ended up landing to where our parents were, and I saw an unusual Game Gear cartridge in front of me. My father told me that I was going to work until I cried at night, and I protested, but that was the end of the dream.

Whew, what a mouthful. I think that I know what this all means. The classroom represented the notion that I was about to be taught something. The philosophy thing represents what I want to be, but have obstacles in. The music video represents what I despise in this society. The art presentation represented what I truly wanted to aspire to. The poor vegetable girl represents my worst fear. The money thing was about my current worries. The Game Gear cartridge represents the last of my material desires (there are only two things that I want to accumulate: used books and old video games). And finally, the demand from my father represents the demands made on me on how to live my life.

That dream was very interesting; perhaps one of the most important dreams I have ever had. I woke up early today, thinking about what I learned from it, and I basically came to the conclusion that this life is my life, and that I am going to live it up to my standards, and if others have a problem with that, then that is solely their own problem. I'm not selfish; I simply want to be left alone. I would be selfish if I made demands out of others, but I never do that. All in all, I think that I am living my life the best that I can.
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I actually feel great today (because I didn't have any alcohol or weed yesterday), but for the past two weeks or so, I had felt pretty down. Not depressed, per se, but I definitely had a sense of avolition. I just could not bring myself to do anything, including reading books. All I really did was drink beer and play video games, although not to a horrible extreme. I don't really know why that happened, except for maybe the fact that it was a natural consequence of using weed too much. I also had a really hard time getting out of bed in the morning, sometimes waking up as late as one in the afternoon. I don't think it was the alcohol in and of itself, although it does play a factor in my emotional lability. Truth be told, I never really experienced anything like this. But I was eventually able to do the things necessary to keep myself in order, such as clean my dishes, take care of bills, and give myself a haircut (I really needed to do that). And now, I feel pretty good about myself, although I used weed three days ago and that really set me on edge for a while.

Frankly, I think that this tells me that I should not use weed very often. Knowing that I don't like to become non-productive, this really does seem like a good idea.

I met with my father three days ago, and I was able to bring some things up that bothered me about what he was doing. He was a bit defensive, but it ended well and some things got clarified. It took me a lot of courage to do that, and I think that it was good for me to have done so. I think that it took me months to prepare for that, though.

I've been having odd, vivid dreams for a few days. One was the typical recurring dream where me and my family are driving on a highway by a large body of water, and we go off the road and into the body of water, except in this case we didn't go back on the road, but stayed in the car underwater. There was another where I was swimming in a lake similar to the one I used to go to when much younger, and it was almost all in a translucent purple/blue hue. And then just two nights ago I had a dream where this older man stabbed me in my left testicle and I felt real pain; as it turns out, I do have intermittent pain there in my waking life. Just this morning, I had two different dreams of me going into these weird, brown towers on a rocky plain, and then meeting someone I knew from high school in a community college library and getting into an argument with him (it started with me saying "I do not understand your analogy...", which is something I would say in real life). Just very weird, vivid dreams. I've talked before about how I think that there is a separate world that you go into in your dreams, or perhaps that it is the afterlife that you have when you cease to exist in the physical world, but no one can say for certain. Either way, I should study on how to increase my lucidity in my dreams.

I might write a document on dimensional thought. It sounds daunting and pretentious, but it is somewhat more simple than it sounds. I should at least try to do it.

Well, I should pick my life back up and start reading again. The weather has been unusually warm for a few days, which worried me at first but today I found it quite nice.
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Today is my legal birthday. Technically, it was yesterday, for I was born overseas and it was the 20th in Japan yesterday. I generally celebrate both days out of confusion.

I'm 31 years old now. I was ready for it, and I feel that old (more or less), but I honestly can't believe that I've been on this Earth for over three decades, and basically have had self-awareness for 17 years (I consider the age of 14 as the start of psychological maturity, where you start to be aware of yourself and your life).

I wonder how I'm going to be later on, and how my life is going to play out. I sometimes feel like a loser, for I have no solid career or family of my own, and likely never will. At 31, if you haven't developed those yet, chances are you won't ever. I'm still youngish, but in a few years I won't be. Is my life going to be a dead-end? Then again, I do have motivation as well as a very thoughtful and introspective nature to my mind, and I've already written a lot. I also don't make mistakes nearly as much as I used to, meaning that I have gotten wiser. I still plan on writing more, so I think that there is still a chance that I can make something out of myself; that I still have potential, if you will.

I've improved dramatically over the past year or so; most of this comes from the realization that I can be wrong, and that just because I have a thought or an emotion, does not mean that it is justified. Self-doubt, surprisingly, can take you a long way.

I've been really interested in my dreams, recently. It hasn't gotten to the point where I am lucid in my dreams, however I remember them more clearly and all of my actions within them are in character. I even remember things from my waking life in them, and it has gotten to the point where I am able to learn many things from them. I honestly think that dreams are portal to another world, and I have had both out-of-body experiences as well as astral and mental projection over the course of several months. They seem to be getting more common, although I have yet to know how to do it willingly; they come to me on their own. I'd very much like to master those abilities, for I feel that they are very important to possess.

I have a theory that the afterlife is very similar to the dream world, and that it is important to enhance one's abilities through their dreams as well as obtain the aforesaid abilities in order to have a better afterlife, or at least to understand it better. But who knows for sure?

Other than that, I've just been reading a bit. I was originally somewhat fatigued from it; I still had the motivation, but not really the interest in the things around me. But if you start looking hard enough, you'll find something else.
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Still smoking, although I feel that I should cut back soon, if not quit altogether. I got a pack of smokes early this morning and when I went up the hill to my apartment, I was nearly out of breath. But I did walk longer and up the same hill and more later that day when I went to the university and I was more or less fine then, so I don't know.

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told her that I stopped drinking, but that I was smoking now. She was a little alarmed, but she did admit that it was a sign of progress, in that I realized that I had a problem and that I was trying to find a substitute. She asked me what other substitute I could use (she couldn't think of any on her own). I told her that video games might work; she laughed and said that it was worth a try. I could sit down for a few hours a day and play my old systems while sipping an energy drink, I guess; I used to do that when I was younger. I have fond memories of that, but all in all it is only good to do that when you're just really bored (oddly, I don't get bored as often as one would think; I entertain myself through introspection and daydreaming).

I've been having these weird dreams over the past week or so where I go back to school (either high school, community college, or graduate school) and I fail miserably in the classes. In one dream I forgot that I had a biology test, and I was fretting over how to take it. I think that such dreams illustrate two things: that I am afraid of failure, and that my mindset has changed so much that I would no longer perform well academically, although I dare say that I'm more intelligent than I have ever been, outside of perhaps memory. Last night I had a dream that I went back to community college and that I had a really small, single apartment. I think this represents the introduction to independent adulthood that I was never granted in my late teens and early 20s; that kind of fucked me up. It wasn't until I was 28 when I had any semblance of an independent life, and I really only started acting like an adult when I was nearly 30.

My third book, The Threads of the Mind, is almost done. I basically have to wrap the sixth chapter up and then write a conclusion. After that, I'm going to revise the parts I haven't revised yet and then design a cover for it. It will be self-published on lulu.com and I'm going to hand out autographed copies to my friends (I have roughly five of them). One of my friends is really impressed with me; I should be happy and proud, sure, but writing a book is something that almost anyone with enough time and effort can do. I'm going to write more soon afterward.

Other than that, not much is happening. This September has been nowhere near as fun as last year's, but the next months might get better.
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So, I have been able to meditate a bit as of recently. I can meditate for roughly 30 minutes at a time, and sometimes I get visuals, although they aren't stable. However, the visuals are coming more easily and with greater clarity, so it seems as if I am naturally gifted in this way. It is cool that I am able to see things, but I have no idea what they mean. For the longest time, I didn't think that I would be able to meditate, but I really just had to try it out and have it work for me on its own.

I've been having some odd dreams recently, as well. Not as often as a few days ago, but I was having dreams where I actually learned things from them. That had basically never happened before. I asked some people about it online and they said that dreams can signify a profound change in an individual. I have noticed myself change gradually into someone more aggressive as well as cold and calculating recently; there are still portions of my old self left over, but hardly any transmutation is perfect.

I did DXM last night, when it was a super-moon. It was very strange; it could have been that I had got a new computer as well as the fact that I cleaned my room yesterday (something which I almost never do), but it just seemed so lackluster. I did trip, but by the end of the first hour I was left in front of the computer, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do. Oddly, I don't remember most of it, but I do remember getting bored, and feeling that DXM was likely generating false information as well as having my brain more receptive to real information. I'm not entirely skeptical of it, however, for there have been a few things about my trips that have remained constant, so as such it may be possible that there really is something out there that we normally cannot perceive.

Basically, I got the notion that I was now bored with it, that it was artificial, that meditation was better and that I'm too old to be doing this stuff anymore. Of course I will do DXM again some other time (it is simply too fun), but on the whole I want to obtain the visions on my own, and through my own.
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It has been kind of an odd week or so.

I did DXM with Damiana last Saturday, because it was a full moon. I was able to see abstract images telling me how my future was going to be like (a brick forming and then slid into a wall, and then a white string being woven into thousands of others, being sent forward towards the night sky). I think that this tells me that I will be a part of some movement or school of thought, which is the most likely thing that will happen. Odin and Satan came to see me; Odin wanted my help, and Satan told me that he could give me power. I then sat down and asked Odin, Satan, Samael and God what they thought about me wanting knowledge, but not power. None of them seemed pleased, although they had different takes on why they didn't approve.

There were many other things that happened, such as summoning an angel and feeling energy rushing into me from an outside source, but they are recorded elsewhere (reddit).

During the earlier portion of the week, I felt anxiety coming back. I wondered if my trip has caused such emotional disturbance, but that may not be it. Sometimes I feel like crying, but I never do. I'm very foggy in my mind right now, and for the past few days I've been making more mistakes while driving, as well as not talking quite properly and writing very well.

I get the feeling that something will happen soon. I just don't know when, or what. Fortunately, my judgment and intelligence are not very impaired; it is simply how I express myself, and interact in the world.

In any case, SSI called on Monday and told me to spend the extra money that I have by November. So I bought a used PS3 with two games and some t-shirts, as well as some other things. I may get a new laptop, but I'm still thinking about that.

I had a dream two nights ago where I was in the car with my mother, and she was making mistake after mistake, and we ended up in an accident. She went to the hospital and it turned out that she had early onset Alzheimer's...it was a rapid decline and she quickly died. I was thinking to myself in the dream, "It would have been better if she died of cancer two years ago."

But that isn't the end of it. Mother was given a prescription of Memantine, which can be used recreationally as a dissociative, and when she died I lifted it. Well, the staff caught me and they thought that I was being suicidal. I got sent to the psych ward in Lewiston, and my sister was with me in a lobby, going on about how Dad is in a relationship now so soon after Mother's death and how pathetic he is. I agreed with her. As it turned out, the Rosauer's in Lewiston said that I had to work there and was on call, so I got the permission of the psych ward staff to leave during the evenings to work there and then come back, like the psych ward was a hotel.

It was a long dream, and an odd one that revealed a lot.

I wonder why I'm having issues right now? Probably too many changes, and not knowing how to deal with them. But nonetheless, this is far from being the worst part of my life. I just hope that it doesn't get worse, though.
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So I have more or less gotten over the psychological problems that have plagued me for over a month.

It started when I took DXM after only a three-day break last Saturday. I was in a bad mood, and was disgusted with myself, and wanted to change. So I tripped, recognized that I needed to change, and for some weird reason, a switch got turned on in my brain, and I suddenly became a different person.

I didn't think much of it until the next day, when I noticed that I was very different than how I was previously. Didn't ruminate, didn't feel anguish, didn't go out of my way to think about negative things. I just became very calm and composed, able to handle negative thoughts with detachment and ease.

What I think happened was that I lessened my ego. When I would think about horrible things, I would focus on what the victims were experiencing, due to my immense amount of empathy. It was well-intentioned, but it was more or less psychological and emotional torture, and it was giving me several problems in life. The key wasn't to stop caring (to eliminate my empathy, basically); rather, it was to not put myself in the role of the victim, and furthermore to not put myself in any role outside of that of the observer. By taking myself out of the equation, I no longer felt any pain, and more interestingly I didn't think about those horrible things anywhere near as much.

To have less of an ego, means that you can think about life and the events within it more accurately and objectively, and you also won't experience as much grief when bad things happen. You simply recognize the event with clarity, and you act appropriately. This is a much healthier way to be.

Not to mention that it makes you less closed off mentally, with you being more open to new experiences and ideas rather than thinking in some restricted patterns that stagnate and warp over time.

So I feel great. I still sort of revert back, just slightly, whenever I'm irritated or stressed out, but on the whole I think that I've been changed for the better. Both my therapist and my friend have noticed that I've made a big jump forward.

I had a dream last night, where I inherited an old mansion of sorts, and living in it was a young Hispanic dude. We both found out that the mansion was haunted, so I agreed that he could stay here for the time being in order to be more "safe". Eventually I came across the ghost, who was a young girl in her late teens/early 20s that was killed for some reason in the 1930s. I was scared at first, but I could tell that she was in pain, so I decided to approach her. We talked, and she decided to trust me. As it turned out, she didn't want to talk about how she was killed, but I could gather that it was her parents that did it, due to her being mentally ill (she had a psychotic mood disorder). When I asked her if any of her siblings were still alive, she simply said "Yes."

The dream technically ended there, but I kept thinking about it this morning, and as it turned out, she was repeatedly raped by her father (her mother knew, and often helped) in a hidden room of the mansion and was eventually killed by both of her parents, with her corpse stored in a locked chest in the room. The parents told her seven siblings that she ran away, which they believed, however her youngest brother (the only sibling still alive) eventually realized that she was in fact killed. For eighty years, she haunted the mansion, feeling nothing but distrust and anguish that the very two people that were supposed to love her, ended up violating and then killing her, just for being mentally defective.

I think that I'm going to write a story based on that dream. I hope that it didn't actually happen.
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I've been in some mental and emotional tumult over the past few weeks, but I'm not sure why. I mean, I am focusing on some deep-rooted obsessions and fears, but why? My roommate thinks that it is due to the solar flares that keep on happening. Possible; I am indeed a sensitive person. Maybe God or the spirits are putting me through a trial, in order to see how I progress. I still believe in God, despite him being silent in this world. My faith in Christianity is stronger than ever; every time I read the Bible I feel more convinced of it's truth. It isn't perfect, of course; for one thing, it doesn't care about slavery, which should be obvious in its wrongfulness. But I agree with it more than I disagree.

Today a woman showed up saying that they were going to cut the electricity due to my other roommate's lack of responsibility for paying his earlier debt that was carried over when he moved here. I had to use part of my emergency money in order to make sure they didn't cut the power. I really saved the day for all of us, but me and the main roommate were pretty mad about the whole thing; oddly, him moreso than me, since I don't care very much about money. But we had some good talks about it and we're going to confront the other roommate sometime soon. Pretty fucking important, I dare say.

One very important thing to note is that I've been having lucid dreams and astral projections recently. A week ago I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep, but I eventually did and I ended up having my first real lucid dream. It was funny how it happened; I just went through it as a normal dream (it was about someone trying to raid a warped version of our apartment), and then my main roommate said to me "Guy, do you know that this is all a dream?" And then I was all like, "Woah." Then a fully lucid dream began, where I wandered around an environment that was unpredictable. What was noticeable was that the whole series of dreams began the same as it did last time, with me zooming into a tunnel of light squares, except they weren't very bright and were bluish in color.

And then there was last night. Same situation; woke up around one or two in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep for hours. But around five in the morning, I tried to go back to sleep; and then I could feel the familiar distortions of dissociation, and shortly a tunnel of triangles appeared, and I went through them. Suddenly, I was in a field of a very vivid matrix of angled spheroids that kept on zooming in rapidly, one after another; it put all of the visions that I had on DXM to shame. And then I was transported to a very vivid, lifelike world comprised of colorful plants and fungi that adorned a skywalk; this did intrigue me, but it was very draining and eventually I got bored and said to myself "I want to just be in the dream world." And suddenly, I was in a much less colorful and vivid environment, but I could control my actions and I was fully aware of what I was doing. I remember the dream fairly well, but it was very different than the astral projection.

It seems that the more it happens to you, the more likely it is to be successful. I have never experienced anything like this before, not even lucid dreams. But for some reason, I now have the power to ascend not only to the dream world, but also the astral. I wonder where all of this will take me.
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I had a dream last night, where I was at the old house in Pendleton, the one on the farm. My mother was present, and she had married another man, a German who looked similar to a previous professor that I had years ago. He kept on bossing me around, but I was having none of it. During the midst of it, I suddenly said "You're not my real father." Then I left, and I was in the parking lot of the house; it was raining, and I could see three radio antennae on the hills glowing red (it was night). I thought about where I should go, and I decided that I could take my car and go to two shopping malls in some towns that I dreamed about roughly a month ago (that was kind of neat that I thought of locations from a previous dream; maybe there is a unified dream world). I then did something with an animal, but I don't remember what.

And then it cut to another dream, where for some reason I was a woman. I supposedly had to show up in court, and I was at the outside entrance to the lobby; there was a sign saying what to wear to court, and with what, in abbreviations. Apparently there was a rule that you couldn't bring guns to the court, which should have been obvious, but then a female police officer showed me pictures of a rifle on the floor, along with a squirrel that had been killed in court.

I was free to leave, which I did. I walked around the neighborhood, and I was behind an old apartment complex, where I saw a VHS rental store. No one seemed to be in there, so I went in, and they had some fairly strange, but interesting tapes and other objects. When I went out, I saw myself in third person as a woman who had revealing battle armor on, and the armor gradually changed to a demon that was molesting me. After a while, I looked at myself in third person again, and I was naked. I had a female body, but something about my lower half was...exaggerated. Then the dream ended.

All in all, I've been feeling slightly better. Just feel like giving love to a certain type of woman that I probably never could, and somewhat distressed over that. But it is still a step up; I now think about selflessly giving love, rather than selfishly receiving it.

Someone on OKCupid messaged me back. I may or may not pursue it; the woman is good looking, but she has a kid (she's older than me, slightly) and I sort of get some not-so-good vibes. Still, it might not hurt to do so.

I did DXM again two days ago. I didn't get my ass handed to me, but I still didn't know what the hell I was doing. The visions seemed to increase in detail and color, and I got the vibes from the spirits that I was on the right track to becoming a wizard. I could actually see, faintly, the spirits around me with my eyes open. I didn't get a lot of insights during the trip, but the next day I learned a lot from it. That seems to be the trend, now; the greater the message, the longer it takes to figure it out.

I've been reading Jung again. The book is titled The Psychology of the Subconscious, and although I've only read about a sixth of it, it is really cool. I'm learning a lot about the subject, and it will help me with writing my book in a month or two.
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I had a dream that I actually remembered last night.

I was at the old ranch house that my family used to have in Pendleton. My dad was there, and he discovered that I did an unspecified amount of DPH last night, which caused me to get out all of the food in the refrigerator and put them in brown paper bags on the floor, while leaving the door of the refrigerator open. I do remember tripping in the dream, but it was nothing like how DPH was like; for one thing, I was unaware of myself and my eyes didn't hurt.

Out of anger, he had me sent to the psych ward down in Lewiston. I met a psychiatrist who talked to me the last time I went down there (a little less than a year ago), and she was more amused than anything else. She could tell I was fine, and when I told her that the whole Asperger's misdiagnosis was bunk (my father brought it up to her, I'm sure), we both laughed and she agreed that I didn't have it due to test results.

Quite an odd dream, especially since I'd never do DPH again. Even with DXM.

I've been thinking about what I should do once the semester is over. I'm still reading a lot, and I'm thinking about writing a non-fictional book over the summer. It is important because there are a lot of thoughts in my head, and I might die soon after I turn 31 (although there is no way to be certain). If I do, I will have no regrets unless if I don't write that book. I feel that I have to.

Other than that, just trying to talk to women on OkCupid. Maybe I will get somewhere, maybe I won't. Maybe it isn't meant to be.
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I had two weird dreams last night. One of them was when I was in a college class filled with a bunch of obnoxious and dumb autistic kids in their teens and early 20s; I was the only schizotypal person there, and I sort of had a distant disgust for everyone there. They didn't have much of an opinion of me, for some reason; probably because I just observed them and kept my mouth shut. One girl had brightly colored hair and tattoos of pistols on her cheeks; when another autistic kid asked her why she had them, she said that it was to scare off anyone who she'd initially be scared by, because it made her look like a gangster and stuff. Obviously, she wasn't very bright.

The other dream, I was in my old room back at my family's house (well, the last house we lived together as a family), and somehow I summoned my mother from the spirit world. She was pleased to see me, and I was pleased to see her, but it wasn't over-whelming. We talked a bit about a few things, mostly how we were both unsatisfied how there was no funeral or memorial service due to my father dominating the whole thing and wanted everything to be his way. I promised her that I would give her a decent funeral and burial (kind of hard to do, because she's now just a pile of scattered ashes). I later brought up what dad was doing and how I didn't approve of it, and to my huge surprise she reacted as though she had no idea what he was doing. I tried to tell her everything that was going on, but I was filled with so much disgust that I couldn't finish what I was about to say. She didn't seem pleased. We ended our conversation with my belief that I wasn't going to die anytime soon, but then my mother corrected me and said that I was going to die shortly after I turned 31. She didn't even seem upset about that.

Overall, that was a little creepy, but I'm not afraid of death and I've lived a lot of my life already, so it wouldn't be the biggest tragedy in the world.

***

Part of the reason why I might have had these dreams was because I did nitrous oxide last evening. That was an odd experience; it is sort of addicting, but not enough to develop a constant habit. The first feeling that I felt was a calm sensation, where I had absolutely no anxiety. Then came the dissociation, which was very weak at first but when I learned how to inhale properly I was more dissociated than I had ever been since I last successfully did DXM. I didn't get the auditory echoes and distortions until I had perfected the art, and it required me to hold a lungful in for quite a few seconds. It does provide a radiating sense of euphoria, but that only lasts for about ten to twenty seconds and it isn't what I am really after. When I did two canisters, it reminded me back when I was a little kid swimming in a pool, finally drawing a breath after getting water in my lungs for a while. Very odd; if this is what my friend who died from auto-erotic asphyxiation craved, well, I can understand the buzz but it wouldn't be something I would do.

I didn't get much visuals, which was disappointing. People talk about visuals on nitrous a lot. I actually did get one, where I closed my eyes and the phosphenes emerged more than they usually did, and formed a clear outline of the laptop right in front of me. Never had that happen before, even on DXM (although DXM provides way better visuals). But about an hour after I did the first few canisters, I saw some mild flickers and distortions in the shadows of the dark living room of the apartment.

Overall, it seems that nitrous affects me more psychologically than emotionally or anything else. I will definitely do it again, but it won't be a daily thing at all. It doesn't seem to cause brain damage; sort of the opposite, in some ways.
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Another dream happened. This journal is basically turning into a dream journal, isn't it?

A fair amount of chaotic things happened. I was at this colony type of compound for convicts, and there was the main island, where most of the people who wanted to fuck things up lived, as well as several surrounding islands, where the convicts who just wanted to be left alone lived. Naturally, I went to a distant island far east of the main island, and I ran into a bunch of old men who just tended various canola and alfalfa fields; they were a decent bunch, wanting only to move on with their lives as quietly as possible. However, the dream zoomed to a 30-something year old guy hanging from a ladder on a brick silo, and he was aggressively trying to prostitute himself. Apparently, he was the only shady character on the island; all of the others shunned him and wanted to live a sin-free life.

And then there was another dream, where one of my friends in real life talked me into teaching introductory Psychology classes at the local Christian college (something that I'm technically qualified to do); I don't remember how my students reacted to me, but I do remember running into a male blue heeler that was only about six inches long and three inches tall. It was a very friendly dog, so I decided to keep him. He got into a lot of trouble because the much larger dogs would try to kill him or otherwise rough him up, so I was necessary for his protection.

I really don't know why I'm having so many weird dreams. I don't always remember them, but usually I do, at least now.
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I had another odd dream last night. I think that it is because I eat some cheese before I go to bed; I know that Blue Stilton causes them, but I didn't think that any other cheese would.

It was basically how I was trolling this large activism group (I was known for that a lot, albeit most of the trolling was unintentional) and the group got the government on my ass. I was in this odd house, where my parents were, and my parents were going through the judicial documents, with my father making notes that were both unauthorized and unprofessional. As it turned out, my trolling was so severe that I appeared on national television because of it. I don't know the contents of the documents, or if I got in real trouble for sure, but I did know that just about everyone was pissed off at me, and I used it as a chance to advocate freedom of speech on public television. I was really more pissed off than amused by that point.

I have the feeling that I really will have to stand up for both myself and others someday, due to the current trends of society. I just hope that it won't be anytime soon, because I want some peace in my life right now.
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I had a very odd dream last night.

It started (I think) with me in the old Windstar van that my family had from 1996 to around 2006. I was with my family, with my parents in the front, and we were driving on a highway in a warped version of the Puget Sound. There were obstacles in front of us that my parents had to avoid, such as other cars, rolling tires, and the like. Eventually, there was a boy on the highway, chasing the tires right in front of us. We were able to miss the tires, but we ran over the boy with a very loud and tactile THUD.

Right after that, the car kept going, and I saw the boy in a crumpled mess behind us. I started panicking, saying that we just ran over somebody and that we need to stop and help the poor boy. My father turned from the front passenger seat, and told me that if we stayed with the boy, we'd get in legal trouble, and we didn't even know if it was a real person in any case (as it turns out, virtual people are common in the dream world). I started berating him, saying that of course he was real and that it was immoral to not help, silently thinking that if they did get caught running away from the crime, I would testify against them.

Then the dream cut to a scene where I was in the old small house at the former farm that my family owned in Pendleton. My brother lived there, and he had a girlfriend about my age. As it turned out, the girlfriend was more interested in me than in my brother (I think that it had something to do with my naive charm and inexperience). I'm not sure how that part ended.

In short, a very interesting dream. I'm not entirely sure what it meant.
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I had a dream last night, where I went back to the old newspaper carrier position and talked with a former supervisor. It was sort of interesting. For some odd reason, there were obscure Sega Genesis games laying around in that one, too. I really don't know what that means; those have been in my dreams since my late teens and I really don't know why they keep popping up.

I feel the need to write more. I was talking to a friend about how there are two types of people who finish writing a book: those who never want to write one again, and those who feel the need to write even more. I fortunately fall into the latter camp; I simply have a drive to create more, and say more. This is something that is very good for me, I think, and will eventually lead me somewhere.

I tried to induce the same sensations that I had two nights ago last night, but it didn't work. I'm going to have to try to find a way to get into that state while fully awake; there is something about fatigue that aids the process of meditation.
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I had an odd dream last night. I don't remember a whole lot about it, but it consisted of me moving away from my family (who I haven't lived with in a year and a half) to a town nearby named Colfax.

Colfax doesn't look like itself in the dream, at all. I really wonder why I've been having dreams about moving there; this isn't the first one. Not to mention that there is almost nothing there.

What would be there for me? Legal weed? I don't like smoking that stuff.

But I think that the dreams are telling me that I should move away fairly soon to be more independent. I mean, I love Moscow, but I've been here for four years almost. I don't want to be stuck here forever. My therapist said that I should take a vacation first and then decide; that might be good to do eventually.

In any case, I have written 46,500 words. There are only about two or three chapters left to write, and then I'm calling it good. I might even finish writing it today, if that turns out to be the right thing.

Either way I'm proud of myself. Even if I don't get it published, I have still accomplished something, with all of the time that I have. Even most so-called productive members of society don't get something as big as that accomplished.
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I had an odd dream last night.

I was going around a warped version of a countryside, with most of the land being in the base of a valley. As I was going into this dark labyrinth in the side of a hill, my father came to me, saying that the countryside was full of radiation and that I needed to stay inside and burn all of my clothes. I did so, but what I found was that my father was burning all of my other stuff, including my Sega Saturn. I tried to save it, and I kept it from being completely destroyed, but it was still non-functional. To top it off, my favorite game was in there, and was ruined. My father just acted as if it wasn't his fault, when it was.

Then we were in a town about thirty miles away from my current one, and at the town there was a building very similar to the high rise used as a dorm at the university; it was used as the dormitory and library for a public school. I entered it, and in there was my father and sister. My father was talking about the glories of Theosophy and apparently became a head of a local chapter exposing the doctrine; my sister was basically there to talk crap about it, and argue with my father (they don't get along anymore). Then the dream ended somewhere when I was reading a pamphlet about the chapter.

I don't know why I had that dream. That wasn't all to it, but those are the parts that I clearly remember.

At 24,000 words now, although I will probably have to go back and rewrite things.
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I had another odd dream last night. Two, actually.

During the first one, I was at an Ivy League College and I was given an unorthodox application form, where I had to write a philosophical manuscript in order to get into their PhD program. Apparently, I had done remarkably well. After a while, I went outside and walked among the greenery and brown-brick buildings, and I came across an activist demonstration that had posters of military veterans who were students at the university who unfortunately committed suicide. And then it ended, I think.

The other was about me going back to the psych ward, except it was a different one. I was among a large crowd of inmates that were listening to the staff, and some of the staff recognized me, asking me what I was doing back here. I told them that I didn't know. And then for some retarded reason zombies started storming the building, and all but a handful of the people got killed.

I find the first one to be very relevant to my life, for it ties into what I want to do with myself, minus going back to college (I still want to take classes but I'm apathetic towards getting another degree unless if circumstances change). The second one, however, is strange. Why would I have another dream about being in the psych ward? Probably because I feel psychologically vulnerable right now, although nobody can say for certain.

In any case that was just really interesting.
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Happy New Year. I think that 2014 will be a relatively good year, at least I hope so.

I had an odd dream last night. I was kept in a psych ward that at first looked like an 80s contemporary building, and then I was transferred to an old Victorian house. The room that I was kept in had a bunch of yellow receipt-like messages in black ink, and on them were previous inmates' lamentations and how they wanted to kill themselves. I was then put in a 90s contemporary room with a Sega Saturn to keep myself busy with, and I had a roommate, who was a young lady in her early 20s. She would ask me for favors, which I reluctantly did because I had nothing else to do. I ended up with a different woman who I remembered seeing on OKCupid in real life years ago, and then it ended.

Kind of funny how I have dreams like that. I wonder what the yellow messages signified.

Anyway, my new year's resolutions are to stop drinking, which I've pretty much already have done. I also am very determined to write a book. I should, I mean I have absolutely nothing else to do. I have been putting off writing stuff (outside of my poems) for about six weeks and I need to get back to work. And then the last (I think) is to eat better food, which I am starting to do. My health is more fragile than ever, and if I don't do the right things now, I will pay for them later.

Well, that is all.

August 2017

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