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I am still not drinking any alcohol, which is great. My therapist thought that it was impressive that anyone could stay way from it for that long. However, there may still be aftereffects from not drinking for so long, since my brain was just flooded with that stuff for years and now it has to readjust. Someone today showed me an image of brain scans of an alcoholic who wasn't drinking as opposed to one who was intoxicated; the sober one had low brain activity, whereas the intoxicated one looked like the normal control. I've always figured that alcohol was a form of self-medication, and that I was likely hugely depressed before I started to drink alcohol, but now I think it has gotten worse than it used to be, although I will say that I'm still able to function as an independent adult and I still seem to be fairly intelligent.

This month was a little weird. I used DXM for a while but I decided to stop, because for some reason it was making me very irritable and emotionally enraged for a day or two after I used it. This never happened when I was drinking alcohol; I think that the two substances operate on some of the same receptors in the brain, and as such when you aren't doing one, the other might start to have more intense effects. Back when I still drank alcohol, I would be very calm and peaceful after I used DXM; now, I have to restrain myself from screaming. Outside of that possible cause, I really have no idea why it is like this now.

I didn't go to the university today. I'm getting a vague feeling that the last friend that I have there doesn't want me around so much anymore, although she is still pleasant. It was time to move on, in any case, but I really should just gradually taper off, instead of not ever going back, ever. I had an excuse because I had to go to Pullman today, so I can just tell her that tomorrow.

In general, I don't think that I'm going to bother with people anymore. I mean, I just don't connect with anyone, even if they don't have a problem with me. I sort of realized that I don't have any close friends, and the few friends that I have would turn their backs on me if I crossed a line or two. It has always been like that, this is just how people are. I'm not angry at anyone or anything, I just can't feel for others anymore. It used to be that I could have a lot of hatred for people, but now I don't think that I can even hate anyone anymore. Maybe I could, but it would be too much personal investment and it is a waste of time. I still like living in the world, but other people have been kind of a disappointment, I guess. I didn't used to be like this; I was once someone who idolized other people and looked for mentors. But now, I can only look towards myself, for not only am I an odd person with an odd set of cultivated skills and wisdom, but no one else gives a shit, either. I feel that I became this way due to the neglect that I have faced.

I was thinking for a while that I was becoming less intelligent and I was losing my memory, but that usually turns out to be false. But it is always best to be on your guard about that.

I renewed the lease for this year. I think that it would have been premature to have moved this year, but if trouble happens with my father (which it might), then it might pose a problem. He is currently gone on his sailing trip with his girlfriend; they reached the end of Baja and sent me an e-mail that wasn't very grammatical, although it was better than the others. He then called me last morning, and woke me up. We talked for only two and a half minutes; the tone was pleasant, but he just wanted to know if he got any odd mail and if I had been doing the chores. He said that it was a dollar a minute to call; that isn't going to set you back very much, and he could have at least asked me how I was doing. I at least would have been polite (not that I wasn't). I'm pretty sure that this is pretty revealing, and if they come back from the trip I might not want to have anything to do with them.

I've actually felt very calm as well; sometimes I feel that there are no problems whatsoever, which is a first since I moved back here seven years ago. I think that it is because I have the security of knowing that my father isn't around, and I can kind of forget about the whole thing. That actually has been very nice for me, and I've realized that I can have a relatively happy and productive life if I finally escape all of this bullshit. Most people have told me "No, don't move..." but honestly, I've been here for years and have given everyone so many chances, only to become more burdened and calloused. Would it be selfish of me to leave? No more than everyone else has been, I think. And besides, I've just been unhappy for so long. There have been moments where I look out to a view while drinking a beer or a coffee, or smoke or otherwise am on some drug, and I feel a sense of beauty and peace, but in general these past seven years have really, REALLY sucked, and I finally have the balls to get myself out of it. Maybe I'm hitting my mid-life crisis early, but I really have no where else to go but somewhere else. I mean, why stay here, with all the broken hopes, promises, and painful memories? I just want to live somewhere else, and have a new life.
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It has been sort of a weird month. I don't have a very good memory right now, so I should try to remember the earlier parts.

Outside of seeing my friend leave on the 23rd and filling out the forms for the SSI re-evaluation, I really don't remember a whole lot. I think that the reason why I don't remember things so well is because I'm kind of going through a lot of emotional turmoil right now. The Monday after my friend left, I thought to myself "Hey, this isn't so bad." But by Tuesday I was sort of freaking out during the evenings, and this was the same the following day. Today I could barely be in public while I was getting groceries. I wasn't crying or anything; I'm just pretty emotionally and mentally upset right now. It is hard for me to seriously remember or think about anything. If I was using drugs and still drinking alcohol, then that would account for at least part of it, but that isn't happening. I'm just a very mentally fragile person, now. Later last month, I found out that a person I used to know online back in the 00s killed himself by jumping off of a 10th floor balcony about a year ago. While I was not friends with that person, it hurt me. I think that I've become more sensitive to the world due to the fact that alcohol no longer dulls either my mind or my senses. But at the same time, my emotions become more out of control. In a way, it is good, because then I finally feel alive, but you just crash and burn in the end, and thus you cannot feel much for a while. This is what happened to me, although I now feel again.

I'm not eating a lot. I wonder if I'm doing okay; I would say that I am, but I'm often preoccupied with my health to the point of neurosis. I've decided to make a lot of changes in my habits, such as not eating meat unless if it is offered, reducing sodium intake, not drinking alcohol, not drinking or eating anything with high sugar content, and reducing substance use (the less the better). So far, I'm more or less following all of that. I still smoke, but I only smoke about two or three cigarettes a night. No amount is safe, but I don't think that it will hurt me much.

I just really need to get my life in order. I'm going to be 33 in less than two months, meaning that I'm well past my prime. In just two short years, I will no longer be young at all. I already feel at least ten years older than my age. I don't look horrible, and I feel that I'm making the right choices, but I'm still a bit worried about how I'm going to hold up. I haven't really done a lot in the past year, and I feel that all of my opportunities are gone. Hell, I took all of them, and even succeeded at them, but look at me now. I'm nothing. I don't believe in self-pity, because I'm still very motivated to become something, but what the hell am I doing? I just really don't understand why my life is so broken, and why I can't get around to doing much. I really just do enough to care for myself; outside of that, I just can't. I'm not lazy, I just don't have the ability to do much. And it disgusts me because I have potential to do a lot.

And I just feel so odd, here. I've been in this town for so long, and the people aren't getting any older. In a way, it is interesting to see the young college kids act in ways that weren't typical when I was their age, but again, I just have no idea about what to do here. I just don't connect to anyone, anywhere, but here especially. At least if I was in a city, there would be a lot more people my own age, but cities would be terrible for me. I just don't know where to go.

Well, at least I'm feeling things again.
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It has been a while. I don't post too much, because a lot of things go on in my head, but little to nothing goes on in my life. I would bore most people, because they care about what others do, not what they think.

In any case, the withdrawal is practically over. All that is left is the nausea and the inability to go to sleep early, but that is minor. I don't feel sick at all, and I'm starting to feel more healthy, because I barely use drugs anymore and I am quitting smoking and toning down on my drinking. I only use two drugs now, and I only use them about once a month. I don't like how I feel after I've done them; due to not being on Olanzapine anymore, I feel like an emotional mess, and I'm sometimes in mental pain. Well, I'm growing out of it, I guess.

I am still drinking, but not as much as I used to. It did pick back up for a little bit, but I toned down again because again, I don't like the way it feels when I overdo it. And I'm quitting smoking because I had no idea that a Black and Mild had about 10 to 15 cigarettes in them. That made me feel like an idiot. Fortunately, I'm having good luck with quitting, and I don't them at all most of the time, so as such I'm better off without them. I've noticed that I'm in a much better place emotionally when I don't smoke, which is usually the opposite for most people.

As for everything else, I'm starting to be interested in law school, because I've been thinking about family matters, as well as what I went through when younger, and that has motivated me to make sure that this stuff doesn't happen to others. A lot of people say that if you want to make changes, you become a lawyer, and I think that I can. I've talked to people about this, and they seem to think that I have the proper motivation, and that I could do it. But I have to wait a while before the monitoring period ends (about three more years), and I have to make sure that I know what I'm getting myself into. It isn't too late for me; I'm not that old, and the fact that I have a Master's degree already would put me in a favorable position. There is only one friend who told me that she was worried about it, and that was only because she was afraid that I didn't have the focus to do it. She even admitted that I would have a better chance getting a job from law school than I would from pursuing a PhD. I know that there is a surplus of lawyers these days, but that only mildly applies to Idaho, and not as many people seem to go to law school anymore, anyway.

I've lived in this apartment for a little over a year now. It is like I never lived at the other place, or almost anywhere else, although I still have dreams of living in Pendleton. I can still remember living there, but I don't really feel like I did. I'd rather forget most of it, to be honest. The last year there was very unpleasant.

Well, on with it...
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I could say that nothing happened over the past month, but that would be a big fucking lie. Would have been true until about a week ago, though.

I was over for dinner at my father's house last Wednesday, and he brought up in a lateral fashion that he and his girlfriend were getting married. There were a fair amount of clues, so as such I knew that it could have happened, but the way that he brought it up with his girlfriend right in front of me was emotionally manipulative. I couldn't look him in the eye or tell him that it was wrong (which it is), but I was able to expose him as a liar to his girlfriend, saying calmly that he told my brother that he wasn't going to marry her (which he denied) and that mother never wrote because she thought that he would never remarry (he replied by saying that she did, so I'll have to look into that). And I didn't even mean to expose him like that; nonetheless, it is pretty obvious that he was either lying all along, or decided to go back on his word. I have caught him lying about benign shit multiple times over the past year or two. And even if he didn't plan on lying, does that negate the fact that you can't trust someone who goes back on their word, let alone respect them? I don't think so.

Of course, I told my sister about it. It was hard to do, but I had to; it would have been wrong otherwise. She felt angry about it, but was very reasonable and controlled; she was not hysterical at all. Her main concern was that the house and the belongings might go to another family, which is very possible. I brought up the facts that our father was writing prenups, thus potentially meaning that they wouldn't, and that he told me to make a list of the things that I wanted after he died. She was pleased about the latter, but added that if he dies the prenups won't matter, especially if the house is going to be in the girlfriend's name. I don't know if there is anything we can do about it; it could be worse though, since that house wasn't the one that we grew up in. Still, it is a family resource, and it shouldn't be handed down to a stranger's family just because some divorcee from a lower background married a DOCTOR who was too weak and desperate to stand on his own.

Our conversation was perhaps the most important one I've ever had, or at least one of them.

The day after, my brother called me. He did say that he talked to our father, but didn't bring up the remarriage. I could tell, though, that he was slightly upset; I might speaking too soon, but I think that he is finally starting to see our father for who he really is. He asked me if I wanted to move to where he is so that I could be closer to family that I get along with, and I said that I was now thinking about moving (which is true). I could tell from the tone of his voice that he was worried about me. He also wants me to get a job, which I am thinking about. SSI wouldn't be enough to live on where he lives, and it isn't meant to replace a paycheck in any case. I just applied to Orange Julius yesterday (I have a friend there) so I might be lucky in getting one.

I probably will move. It is just becoming intolerable to live here. Not just my father, either; I've simply been here for too long. I need a change, to leave the past behind me. I've been here for six years, and the people around me just keep getting younger to the point where I don't fit in anymore. I feel like I'm just stagnating here. I could stagnate where I want to move to, as well, but at least I'd be doing something different for once. It is just a matter of money, I think, but that can be remedied over time. I should start getting rid of some of my stuff to prepare for the move.

It is just so bizarre, this turn of events. I can't do much right now, because I'm just dealing with all of this bullshit. And none of it is my fault, either; not a single bit of it has been brought on by myself. I'm being too civil and calm, if anything. But it is like this: I wake up, not really knowing what is going on. Then, after about half an hour, I start to realize the reality that I'm in, and after about an hour I get to the point where I'm so sad, angry and disgusted that I want to scream and vomit. My father is a disgrace to the family, and I'm not alone in thinking that. This whole thing is practically a waking nightmare, one that I never would have thought would happen when mother was still alive, because at the time I bought in to my father's lies. But in fairness, I always knew that he was very weak on some level or another...simply not as weak as this.

Oh well. Nothing I can do about it. Just have to prepare for my own life away from this whole ordeal. I'm done with it now. We never going to be one big, happy family, especially when mother is just replaced like this.
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I've been staying away from alcohol for the past week; I can tell that I'm already losing some weight, as well as not being so hungry and saving some money. It was important to do because it was making me more emotional disturbed during this trying time of the year, so I need to be as sober as possible.

I do plan on doing DXM on the next full moon, though, which is coincidentally just a week from my mother's death anniversary. But it will have been a month from not using it, so that is still progress.

I've been staying up later and waking up a lot later, too. I wonder if the abstinence from alcohol is doing that.

I bought some used books yesterday: one on hacking, one on parallel programming, and two on Theosophy. I think that it was the best score I've had in a while. I value my books than almost all of my other possessions, and I'm grateful that most people don't steal them.

I'm not sure if I will move to Portland. I probably will, but I was also thinking of other cities. I should think about it after the death anniversary.

In any case I'm still writing, although not as much, and I'm reading on Paganism. I don't really agree with Paganism in that it values the physical and the ordinary, mundane side of life, although it does stress that humans are not the center of existence, which I do agree with. Instead, I value the supernatural and the phenomenal, and chose to focus on things that are almost exclusively otherworldly and non-human. I guess that the term "Spiritualist" would be the better one to use for what I am by this point.

All is surprisingly quiet, and relatively calm. My brother is coming over two days from now and we plan on visiting our mother's grave on Saturday, which is the two year anniversary of her death. Oddly, our father will be gone on a trip with his girlfriend, which is both odd and insulting, but at least they won't show up together at her grave.

Worse things could happen.
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In about two and a half weeks, it will be the second anniversary of my mother's death, but I'm doing surprisingly well, all things considered.

This time of the year will always be a hard time, at least in some ways. But it fades away after a while, and I'm moving on with my life so as such it is harder to relive that time when I have a different life and I have become a different person.

I'm only drinking about half as much as I did last year during this time period, although I was using DXM every week. I've decided to stop taking DXM for a few weeks; it is messing up my emotions and I need a tolerance break in any case. I did LSA a week ago, and that was an interesting experience; I didn't think that I was going to stop breathing, but I am not sure if I would want to do it again for a while. I did get visuals, but they were fairly weak, and the thoughts and feelings in my head were a bit foreign. It was a bit odd because I wanted to be outside of my room and out in the open, but I would have been angry at anyone who tried to talk to me; DXM, on the other hand, makes me retreat into myself but when I meet others I either don't know they are there, or I'm just like "Oh hey, word up." I don't like psychedelics; they make my brain weird. I think most people who prefer psychedelics over dissociatives do so because they want to project their thoughts onto the world, rather than have the world mold their brains. But your thoughts can go haywire, and thus you'll perceive the world in a warped, even dangerous way. DXM just turn me into a psychological and spiritual receiver; a sponge, if you will. But I'm happier that way. DXM actually helps my psychosis until it fucks with my emotions, but most medications will do that if you abuse them. There is no solid, safe treatment.

In any case I took a break from writing A Perception of Existence and Reality (it reached 20,000 words) and I was surprisingly impressed with it so far. It flows fairly nicely, which shocked me given that I wrote a thousand words separately per day, and it could probably be wrapped up in a week or so. I actually see it as a worthwhile achievement of sorts; to have written two books in a year (really, half a year) is no small feat.

I might move to Portland sooner, since my father is having his girlfriend move in with him. I really don't understand why it happened so fast, and I don't want to get involved. It is one thing to run away from a problem that needs to be solved, and it is entirely another to run away from a problem that will only get bigger and bigger. I was going to move to Portland, anyway. But seriously, if it gets any more absurd than it already has, I'm just leaving and never coming back.

We never really were a solid family, if you think about it. Back when I was 27 and tripping on DXM for one of the first times (this was during a time when I was living at home and my mother didn't seem to be on the verge of death) I had the realization that the "family" that was living in the house was just a loose collection of individuals with totally different trajectories and aims in life, and yet were all here due to their own situations and problems. It was struck me how absurd living at that house was, and how my life at the time was. I no longer feel that my life is so absurd now (for one thing, I'm more or less independent), but I'm still on my own unique path that has no clear end in sight. The past still haunts me, though, with my father trying to be close to me; I don't understand because we were never close in the first place. When my mother was still alive, all he really did was bully me, control me and abuse me. I just see him as a very weak person. He absolutely can't go on without anyone, while I've been alone practically all my life and I'm still fucking standing strong.

But whatever. It will all get resolved in due time. I just got to have my reasons for living, and that lays in writing, and perhaps the Occult. But we'll just see what I'll end up as.

To end this, nothing else is really going on. I did have some outbursts with friends, but those evaporated quickly over time. Just hard times right now. I know how to adapt, though. When I move, I might change my last name from Anderson to Meresworth (or Meresmith). That will be my POWER NAME. But seriously, Anderson is boring.
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It has been a while.

I've been meaning to write in this journal, but there has been a combination of too much going on, and too little.

I've decided that I'm going to move to Portland, OR in a year. There is a significant occult scene there, and I'd like to at least become familiar with it. Not only that, but I will have been here for five years by that time, and that is long enough for me. I mean, I love Moscow, but this place has little to offer really even now, outside of my friends. And I will miss my friends, but I've got to expand my horizons, you know? I'll just stagnate if I stay here, it is time to move on and grow up again.

I lost the calmness from that one DXM trip, but the mental heuristics and lessons learned stayed with me, and I'm doing a bit better still. Not completely, but I don't experience horrible mood swings and I've stopped hating people as certain groups or races; I just look down on most people in general. I'm not completely a misanthrope; I just wonder how "good" most people really are.

I'm still doing DXM occasionally, and have been learning a lot from it. It seems that as time goes on, the more my experiences with it evolve. Even my weakest trips this year rival almost all that I experienced back in 2011, or even a few from last year. DXM seems to change on me a bit, even when I'm taking the same medication.

I've been reading parts of the Old Testament, and needless to say, it is a bit fucked up. I don't agree with almost anything in there and I'm wondering just how good Judaism is, how good Christianity is, and perhaps how good God is. I'm wondering how much of a farce it all is (for instance, there is no archeological evidence that the Jews were ever in ancient Egypt, and Babylon never fell to the Jews as the Jews predicted they would). Since the New Testament is at least partially based on the Old, I'm wondering if I should continue on with the whole thing. But I should probably read more into it.

I didn't go to church last Sunday; partially because of the Old Testament thing, but mostly because of the Elliot Rodger ordeal. I'm not like that guy, I know, but I am also an older virgin who has had bouts of anger towards women (but not men) and it kind of struck a nerve in my sensitive heart. I just don't want to be like that narcissistic prick.

In other news, I've been writing again. It is a non-fictional work titled A Perception of Existence and Reality, where I talk about what makes up the fabric of the universe, except in a simple, theoretical fashion. I've reached about 9,000 words in nine days, and the goal is around 20,000 - 25,000, so I'm getting close. I don't know if I will publish it, or just put it on

Well, that is it.
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Feeling a lot better now. Not paranoid today, at least.

I've decided that I'm going to quit looking at porn. I don't look at it all that much, but it is such a waste and is too time-consuming. Not to mention that you often get exposed to things that are unhealthy for you, and (incidentally) sometimes things that either are, or should be illegal. So to be on the safe side, and not get into any more potential trouble or get viruses, I'm done with it.

I'm too fucking old for it, anyway. I mean, seriously. People in their 30s are just losers if they do stuff like that.

So it is time for me to grow up.

I'm slowly getting better in my mood; I will likely be able to do stuff again, give or take a few days.

I think I will be alright.
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So I've decided that I should at least get my feet wet and check out some of the classes in the Statistics department; I talked about it with my therapist and she thought that it was worth doing. I sent an e-mail to the guy I talked to recently so I hope that it goes well.

The good news is that if I learn enough about statistics, I could start my own consulting business doing other people's work. I think that I would be legitimately capable of that since I do have a background in advanced statistics and I have done my own experiments and statistical work; I just need to relearn what I learned four or so years ago so that I will know what I am doing.

That would be really nice because I'd probably get paid enough money, I wouldn't have a boss and I would be able to set my own hours and work at my own pace. Pretty great, really.

I think that it is definitely possible because I already have a Master's degree. People like those with advanced degrees.

So outside of that I've been doing okay; I still have some pains but for the most part I'm in a better place than I was about a week ago. I actually started working on another computer game yesterday; that could go somewhere, if I work hard enough on it.
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I've been thinking about going back to college and getting a degree in statistics, but I'm not sure about it. There was a guy I met at the college student dinner who works as a professor at the Chemistry department who said that he could get me set up with someone in the Statistics department, but I have to think about it first. Looking at the titles of the classes themselves, it seems like something I could do, however the Master's degree requires that you must have taken Calculus and know a high-level programming language. I'm horrible at Calculus and pretty much know that I'd fail again if I retook it, and it is iffy if I could be good at a high-level programming language (although I am better at it than I used to be).

Then there is the whole thing about losing my SSI, Medicaid and Food Stamps from it, as well as not being able to do a full-time job with the degree even if I do end up getting hired.

So I don't really know what to do. I really like statistics and I've proven to be decent at it, so it is just a matter of what I should really do with my life. What is the best choice, really.

The college student dinner was great; I had good conversation with some people and we had a good theological discussion along with a cigar afterwards. The cigar was a bit strong; I guess I'm used to weaker ones.

I met with the physician's assistant today; that was actually pleasant. He finally believes that I was telling the truth, and he ordered necessary bloodwork, so I don't have a problem with him anymore.

I just got to figure out what to do with my life. I've been really tired recently, too.
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I feel a bit better today, emotionally at least. No rages or anything, although in comparison to how I was several months ago I really wasn't that terrible. Some of the pains have gone away, too.

I talked to my brother last night. I told him about how I refused that one job and he was disappointed in me, saying that I should take any job and that it doesn't matter if it makes me miserable. He's entitled to his own opinion, but if I don't have to be miserable, I won't. I read a couple of days ago that some of the top five things that dying people say that they regretted doing was that they said that they wished that they didn't live so that others could be happy and that they also wished that they didn't work so hard. I feel that I'm successfully abiding to those two sayings, and that the only reason why both my brother and my father are upset about me being on SSI is because they are both unhappy and insecure.

So I told my friend about that today, and she more or less sided with me and also said that I really do need to be on SSI. The thing is that I'm actually way more productive on SSI than not, so as such it is better for me to be on it not just for my sake, but for others.

I've decided that I'm going to change my diet; I'm going to try to go organic. I've already made other changes, mostly no highly caffeinated beverages, no extremely salty foods and no foods with a lot of preservatives. I had some White Castle frozen cheeseburgers for two days and both times I had this pain in my chest and pain in my left arm; obviously, that meant that it was fucking with my heart. I looked at the ingredients and behold, half of them were preservatives, with most of them being those I have never heard of. So I threw the remaining two away.

I'm glad that I'm finally wise enough to be making better decisions. I think I'll have my youth restored that way.
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I didn't sleep well last night. Well I did, but I had a weird dream and then I woke up around 4 a.m. Instead of falling back to sleep, I stayed awake in bed thinking about how I was and how my life was. I also noticed that my emotional disturbances were back, which is distressing. I got up early and went to the university earlier than usual; it was a change for the better, but I don't know if it will be permanent.

I knew the bad feelings and thoughts would come back, though. They always do. I tried to distract myself by reading a lot and becoming more worldly, but the psychosis is always self-correcting. I really wish that I didn't have to put up with this. I'm not sure why I'm so emotionally fucked right now.

I've decided that I'm not going to do drugs anymore. I mean, I never had a serious problem with them, but they definitely cause me to have emotional problems and they also have probably fucked with my thinking style. I used to justify it saying that it actually helped me with my thinking by introducing new insights; well, that may have been true, but you can still fry your brain that way. I don't want to be brain damaged, so I need to stop doing it, period. I'm going to try to stop alcohol, too, but that might be hard. Drugs I can easily do without, but not alcohol. The thing about my life is that no matter how much I read or otherwise fill my time, there is still a void left within me, and I fill that with alcohol. I only drink normal beer now, and never more than four beers in a night (usually less).

I just can't do this to my brain and body anymore. I'm not that young anymore, and my body is aching. I think that I'm getting blot clots, due to headaches and painful feelings in my thigh. Not to mention my GERD is hardly any better. I don't want to be in pain anymore.

Who does drugs and seriously drinks over the age of 30, anyway? Just pathetic people, pretty much. I'm too old for this crap. Time to start a new chapter.
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I took DXM last night; this time it was Delsym. It wasn't particularly great; a very weak trip and I just ended up feeling stoned and stimulated for the rest of the night. I did get weakly dissociated for about an hour but for some reason that faded away fast. Probably won't do DXM for another month or so, and won't use Delsym again; it is too expensive and too weak.

I did get a marvelous insight, though. I realized that there is nothing more divine than metaphysical ideals becoming physical through graphical illustration, or even outright physical manifestation. I'm pretty sure how I should go about actualizing this, but I'm going to have to do a lot of research first. I'm going to try to see if I can construct a computer program that give vague physical shapes and forms to written statements or passages. That sounds stupid but I really do think that it would be worth pursuing; it would make for an interesting piece of art, at the very least.

I'm also thinking of starting an electronic zine that takes the form of a academic journal that would feature the philosophical and metaphysical musings of people on the psychotic/schizophrenia spectrum. I don't know how successful that would be but it would at least be worth trying.

Man, I used to get God-like afterglows from DXM. Now I just get mild hangovers. This sucks.
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I saw my psychiatrist and therapist today. That went well. I told them that I was afraid that I was getting too old to choose a career for myself but they both said that I wasn't; apparently my psychiatrist didn't got to medical school until she was 37. So that was good.

Don't have a lot to do today. Pretty tired, to be honest. At least I'm more or less content.

I'm looking into psychoanalysis; if I can't go into the programs, then I could at least research it on my own. It seems interesting.

I'm also a lot more into mysticism now. A lot of it is crap but it is still very fascinating. I plan on reading a lot of it soon.

I'm currently making a game based on my latest DXM trip. So far it is only a rough sketch, but I think it will go well. Better plan than the last one, although I actually got pretty far last time.
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Well, looks like my brilliant plan isn't going to work. Apparently librarian jobs are really fucking hard to get. I was right in thinking that it would be a relatively easy degree, though, although that is pretty much irrelevant.

So I don't know what to do. I want to work, but I was talking about it with one of my friends this morning and she said that I really probably couldn't have a full-time job. She is my former boss so she would know about that.

Oh well. It is kind of fun to have all this time to yourself anyway and not worry about money so much. At least I have constructive hobbies.

But still, I need to have a plan for my life. I don't want to be some loser who does nothing with his life. An Omega male, and stuff. I want to accomplish something, and grow up. I am on my way for that, but right now I'm sort of in the no-man's land. It has been interesting being in that metaphysical place, but eventually you want out, you know?

I had Mexican food with my father three days ago, and during the ride he went on about how I should eventually work and I shouldn't be getting money for free. Wasn't it his fucking idea that I should be on SSI? He can't have it both ways. Of course I should and shouldn't, but there really is no way for me. I would if I could.

But nonetheless, I'm more or less happy how things are right now. I don't beat myself up over it, because I fucking respect myself and realize that it isn't my fault, and there is little I can do about it.

Still, though. I don't want to stagnate, and end up being nothing.
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Well, I'm still sick, although it is mainly just confined to a really runny nose by this point. I really don't understand why this happened; I never get sick. My brain is still a little fuzzy but it has been worse.

Surprisingly, my computer game is really taking off. Probably because it actually has a story. I hope that people will at least find it interesting, or at least well-made. I quite enjoy making it right now.

I have decided that I don't want to be on SSI forever, and want to get back into the workforce. My plan is to get a part-time job where I can save up some money to go back to school (probably to get a second Master's degree) so that I can get a better job that I will actually like. Or if I simply like the job that I started out with, more power to me. I contacted a person from Voc Rehab about the Ticket to Work program, and she said that we should talk about it. So hopefully it will go well.

August 2017

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