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About a week ago, I went a little nuts. I don't know why. Obviously, I didn't go to psych ward or anything, but it did catch me way off guard. I think that it happened because I was starting to lack empathy for everyone, and the God inside of me wanted to have me humbled. It was odd, too, because I was beginning to question whether or not I really was disabled; now I know that I certainly am.

I just ramble on and my speech is a bit disjointed (my writing, not so much, but it requires a lot of concentration and focus in order to write in an intelligent manner). My creativity is higher and I feel like a genius, but I believe that this may just either be a sense of grandiosity, mania, or both. I'm seldom manic, so I don't really know how to handle it. It is kind of fun, though; despite being under psychic stress, life seems magical again. My life hasn't felt magical since 2013, so this was welcome; I figured that my life forever lacked the luster and the intrigue that made it worth living, but apparently not. I've been a little paranoid and have thought about ways to hide from others off the grid, and there are times where I think of myself as a part of a government think tank (which would probably be my dream job), but for the most part I know what I am.

It is hard to get my bearings right now, though.

I was talking to my friend today, and we were discussing how most people lack empathy, and can't put themselves into other people's shoes. I told her that I could, but she said that I'm not like most people. I think that this is the reason why I have so many problems; I'm around others who simply aren't as emotionally developed as me, I think. Even the intelligent ones, seem not to put too much thought into the inner dynamics of the mind, and the situations of others. I do feel that I'm a bit smarter than others, but that is because I had to work for it, not because I was born that way. Growing up, I was made to feel like I was an idiot, and I was seen and claimed to be an idiot, not just by my classmates (and some teachers), but also my family. There was a period of roughly four or five years where I was the "family embarrassment". It took me the better part of a decade to become as wise and relatively decent as I am now.

The thing is, though, is that I don't want to think that I'm so much smarter than everyone else. Partially, because I have flaws of my own, but mostly because I really do try to see the good points of someone's mind. But the simple fact of the matter is that people just don't want to use their minds and become more educated and wise; they just want to settle for simple mental heuristics and labels, because it is far less mentally taxing. I just don't understand why even the professionals are so cognitively lazy, when they are the ones who should be putting their minds to the grind.

I can use it to my advantage, though. I'm starting to finally see how people tick, and I can gain from such valuable insight. I have a business plan of sorts that utilizes simple online advertisements that have a simple message but are so politically and emotionally charged that people who don't like to think very deeply would click on it; it would take them to another site with ads, thus generating a profit that would gradually accumulate. I have to learn more about how it works in order for it to work, though, but knowing how I could potentially get rich off of other people's simplicity (or to bluntly put it, stupidity), it is pretty morbidly entertaining for me. I don't really want to focus on money, though; this is more of a game to me than anything else.

Well, I suppose that I should try to get better, if that is what is best.
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I'm in a better mood now, and I don't feel so down about my life or anything like that. I had a realization about a day after I wrote the last entry that I just felt the way I did because I was doing the same thing over and over again, and not really going anywhere. I wasn't really going anywhere because I wasn't doing anything new; how can you explore the vast realm of life when you keep on going to the same places on the map? In order to feel less like a loser, and to have greater capacity to do great things in life, I have to try out new things. That's it. And fortunately, I'm starting to do that right now.

There is also the whole thing about life being a means rather than a predestined end, or at least, that is how it seems to me. Life is about doing as the things possible to reach the end that you want to achieve, and then perhaps another and so on. There is no particular end chosen for you, at least not from the outset. So as such, one should take solace in the fact that they have the freedom (hopefully, at least) to work towards their desired goals, and that means that one should try all avenues possible and prevent oneself from doing the same thing over and over again, because that is akin to banging one's head repeatedly against the wall.

As such, I'm going to take a hiatus from writing; it takes up too much time and while there has been some reward, it has been all intrinsic and I've kind of hit a plateau. It is very hard to be a successful writer these days; very few publishers would even look at what I've written and while I do have the option to self-publish, I wouldn't get much attention from that. I still will write books again some day, but not right now.

I'm still going to read books, though. I need all of the information that I can get and need to keep my brain from stagnating, even if most of the information isn't immediately practical or rewarding.

So, what will I do now? I already know: I'm going to practice programming again. I finally have a sense of how to do it, and I have chosen a language to use in order to begin messing around. I will use Pascal first, but if that proves to be too impractical I'll switch to BASIC instead. Both languages are very simple and you can't really do a whole lot with them, but I'm not looking to construct some very serious and powerful programs just yet. I want to start small first, and not be too serious in my endeavors; not only will I be more able to have fun with it, but I'll be far less likely to become disenchanted and frustrated with it if I run into problems in the beginning. If I treat it has a game, as a source of amusement, then I'll probably be more able to be productive.

I'm doing this in order to learn something practical and constructive. If I get experienced enough, I will be able to to actually create some new, interesting things, and maybe someday I can create a program that will catch people's eyes. But nothing is guaranteed and I just want to create some new works of art, anyways. Either way, I'm doing something both interesting and useful. Eventually I can move on to a better, more powerful and complex language, if I'm smart enough.

Nothing else is happening. Pretty quiet around here.
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Well, it is 2015 now. A brand new year, and I can't quite believe that this decade is half over. Actually, I can believe it, because a whole lot of stuff went down from 2010 to 2014. I like to think that I'm a completely different person than I was back in 2010, 2011, or even 2012 and 2013, but that is probably only half-true. I can see things in myself from as early as 2005 and I still find some core similarities, although I really am almost completely different from that time.

Perhaps the older you get, the more you get to know yourself better. I'm sure that this doesn't apply to everyone, but it is kind of strange how I'm 31 and I'm still learning things about myself that I previously didn't know.

I really hope that 2015 will be a year without any trouble or drama. I have no reason to think that it would, but then again, you never quite know what the future will bring. I now know how to spend my time constructively, which is through writing, so my goal this year is to write at least just as much as I did last year. I already have three writing projects lined up; one will be a fictional story that I'll start writing this month, and after that I'm going to write a partial autobiography. I actually think that the last one is going be highly interesting and perhaps very fun to write, at least in places.

I'm hoping for the best, as I should.
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I got a new laptop. It is actually a notebook model, much smaller than my former laptop, but it seems to be a bit more powerful, although it cannot multitask very well. The visuals are a lot crisper and the sounds are a little more vivid, however the operating system is Windows 8, which has proven to be sort of hard to use. I try not to get the latest technology because they are a lot more complicated than they used to be. In general, I like it, although I wonder how long it will be used for (new technology isn't really built to last these days).

I finished A Perception of Existence and Reality sometime last week, and yesterday I put it on my Academia.edu account. A little over thirty people have looked at it, and one person has followed me, however no one has commented on it yet; it may be too early to tell, though. I also put it on reddit; hopefully some people will talk about it. To be honest, the manuscript fell somewhat short of my expectations, but I don't place the blame on myself, for the topic was too broad and nebulous to seriously define. But I am glad that I finished a second book this year; it makes me feel that I am using my time well and that I have accomplished something. I will try to write another, and I'm already brainstorming on it, however I won't start on it for a couple more weeks.

Looking back on last month, it seems that I learned a lot and changed a bit over the course of the month. I learned some esoteric stuff, such as how to divinate and summon an angel, and I've learn some basic stuff, such as how to cook rice, how to go to small claims, and how to deal with an awkward social situation. Quite a bit actually happened last month, and I grew a significant amount from it. I sort of realized sometime last month that I'm basically a full-grown man now, inside and out, but the funny thing is that you never really stop learning and changing, or at least it is still possible. Most older people don't because they either don't want to learn or change, or the idea to do so just doesn't come to them. I'm grateful for still learning things because it is helping me with actually becoming functional, and I feel that my life has really just started.

Outside of that, not much else. My life is fairly quiet right now, outside of the SSI thing. I will move sometime, but I don't feel the need to do it anytime soon.
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So I did three more songs, and finished an album. I put it up on Bandcamp, and I'm waiting to see the reception.

I'm not sure if it is going to be well-liked, but I did have a lot of fun making it, and that is what counts, right?

I didn't read today, but I can read tomorrow. I don't have anything to do tomorrow, so it will probably just be me waiting to hear from others about how my music was and all that.

I met someone I knew from years ago today, and I didn't really impress him with what I was currently doing. Now, I didn't tell him even half of what I am doing, and I certainly couldn't tell him that I was on SSI, but that kind of hit me. Still, I have done a fair amount of creative and constructive stuff since I got on disability, and I have a lot of people to vouch for that. And I'm only going to do more, so I think in essence I will live a productive life.

I hope to do more. I'm pretty sure that I will. But there is always that nagging fear that I won't, and that what I do produce won't be good enough. But the only failure is not to try.
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So yesterday I didn't start writing, but that is fine, because I realized that I have no idea whatsoever about how to write Inner Demons. But you know, it is still something to try out; just not right now.

Instead, I've been creating electronic music for my band, Clockmaster Anderson and the Sexy Boiz. Well, they are really more remixes of existing electronic music than they are original songs, but they sound very fresh and unique, and I'm not going to make money off of them, so it doesn't matter.

I originally wanted to create Vaporwave music, but the songs sound more like Noise and Experimental more than anything else. I'll still try to make Vaporwave, but maybe that isn't quite my calling.

In any case I was very productive yesterday; I made three songs, one of them I'm quite proud of. Their titles are in a warped version of Czech, which I think makes it look cool. If I keep this up, I'll finish the first album in two or three days, which is spectacular.

I think that I am becoming a polymath, or at least a jack-of-all-trades. This makes me feel like I'm not inept, and that I may do something great some day. But there is no way to know for sure.
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I met with my psychiatrist today; she thinks that I'm doing well. I mentioned that my father now has a girlfriend and she acted as if it was hard for me. I told her that it was.

She recognizes that I'm focusing on intellectual stuff in order to keep me satiated and satisfied with life. She really thinks that I'm doing well, and I think that I am. Writing is a really good way to explore that realm and "level up" in regards to it, so I think that I'm doing the best that I can, as far as my life goes.

I talked to my brother yesterday; he is finally looking for work and is going to see a therapist soon. He is finally doing the things he needs to do; I'm really glad that he is finally taking control of his life. He has Borderline Personality Disorder, which runs in my family, but he is completely aware that he has those problems and is willing to deal with them. He's a good guy, although a bit temperamental. Anyways I'm happy for him.

I'm doing a bit right now. Reading more, and I'm going to start writing Inner Demons either right after I'm done writing this entry, or at least tomorrow. I've also started a music project, under my band name Clockmaster Anderson and the Sexy Boiz. I've had that project since 2009, but I haven't worked on it since. I'm now about to, and I think it will take off.

Anyways I have a lot to do, and I hope that I have a lot to look forward to.
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I finished my game last night, and released it today.

I hope that some people will like it. I had the fear that someone might interpret it the wrong way and make some trumped up charges or something, but there is really nothing criminal in it (or at least I had no intention of doing so) and I really don't think it will happen.

The game certainly is different, though. It will disgust some people. But there are lines that I do not cross, and anything that is blatantly illegal is one of them.

Of course, there are people who would persecute you legally simply because they have the emotional intelligence of toddlers and want you to get in trouble because YOU DID SOMETHING THAT THEY DIDN'T LIKE. But I really don't think that is going to happen.

It was a real tour-de-force. I had fun making it, it didn't take too long, it was entirely original, and I would like to make more games in the future.

Who knows, I might end up being something.

Anyways nothing else is really going on.
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I've been thinking a bit about writing a short book. I've always planned to, but this time it will be a bit different. My first idea for the book was about a modern philosophy of the unknowable, but now I'm more focused on process philosophy and theology. The thing is that while it will be less original, it will have more solid ground to stand on, for it is based on the work of others that has been proven (or at least assumed) to be valid. Originality is really no good indication of genius, and I was overly focused on being original. The reality of intellectual evolution is that the advances are based on the works of others, for if they weren't, we'd likely be re-inventing the wheel until the end of humanity.

So I feel that I have reached a point of intellectual maturity, and that this will help me tremendously. The main philosopher who the book will be based on will be Whitehead, but I think that Nietzsche and De Chardin will play significant roles, as well. Obviously, I have more research to do, but I would like to think that I'm about a third of the way there. There is no real way to be sure, though.

Not much else to do, besides reside in my own mind.
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Yesterday I went to my psychiatrist. That was good; she didn't really have too much to say. Probably because I haven't been in such a good state for a long time.

Apparently the neighbors downstairs had their chainsaw stolen. A cop showed up, and I told him about how about two or three days before I saw a guy who was driving up the alley, turned around, got out of the car and looked into the back of one of the trucks. I gave him a vague physical description. The guys downstairs thanked me, and I felt like I did something decent. I celebrated by having some mild beer.

I feel that the time of becoming an important part of the world is coming, and it will be through both my current work and study of philosophy and theology as well as the E-Zine project. I really do think I'm on the start to something great.

But first I have to do some actual work, of course.
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I went to a bar that I like last night, because I was bored and I wanted to get out of the house. I arrived early, and no one was there at the time. The barmaid told me that it was poetry night, so I went back to my house and got my poems, and then went back. I drank three beers until enough people showed up (not many, but enough to get up and start) and then I read about a month and a half's worth of poems. The people liked them! So I feel a lot better about my poems now, and I want to go back and read some more when I've written more of them.

I don't normally go to bars. I used to do it a lot, two or three years ago, because I thought that it was an interesting learning experience. I now boycott one bar because most of the people there don't like me, probably because I behaved a little improperly. Well, at least it was only one bar; the other bar that I went to years ago was just fine with me. People can be strange.

I'm going to learn how to create things using the PDF format; I've decided that is the format the E-Zine is going to be in. It probably won't take very long to learn how to do it, and after that it will only be a matter of accepting other people's submissions.

I'm thinking that if the E-Zine is successful enough, then I can start a non-profit publishing company. That might be something worth doing.

I'll take things as they come.
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I watched Hellraiser II yesterday. That was actually really cool; it might be the best one in the series. It has sort of inspired me, in some ways.

I had dinner with my father yesterday. That was interesting. We talked briefly about politics and religion.

I'm going to start learning Prolog today, but I'm expecting a steep learning curve. The project that I have in mind probably isn't going to be particularly hard, in fact I basically have the gist of the structure already in my head. But I don't know Prolog at all, or if it even is going to be the suitable language to use. I have the feeling that it will, but there is no good way to prove that.

I have nothing else to do today. I brought my laptop with me to the library to browse the internet and download some documents; that was probably for the best.
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My sister e-mailed back today. That was good; our relationship is back on good terms now. I think she is improving in maturity and personality again; she probably missed talking to me. She is a good person but sometimes flies off the handle; not that I never do.

I had a minor depressive episode during the early afternoon. It must have been from the trip two days ago. I really shouldn't do it for a while, and should never do it through that particular method again.

I met with my professor friend today. I asked him if he thought I was a heathen, and he laughed and said that I wasn't a Christian yet, but was going in the right direction. But he also did say that if I didn't get baptized, we'd still be friends. I wasn't put off; I told him that I only believed in internal baptism, although he did convince me that the ceremony is important to some degree.

Not much else to do today; some people like the e-zine idea, so I will get that started, somehow. I'm also going to go into Prolog and try to figure out how to get the project going.
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I took DXM last night; this time it was Delsym. It wasn't particularly great; a very weak trip and I just ended up feeling stoned and stimulated for the rest of the night. I did get weakly dissociated for about an hour but for some reason that faded away fast. Probably won't do DXM for another month or so, and won't use Delsym again; it is too expensive and too weak.

I did get a marvelous insight, though. I realized that there is nothing more divine than metaphysical ideals becoming physical through graphical illustration, or even outright physical manifestation. I'm pretty sure how I should go about actualizing this, but I'm going to have to do a lot of research first. I'm going to try to see if I can construct a computer program that give vague physical shapes and forms to written statements or passages. That sounds stupid but I really do think that it would be worth pursuing; it would make for an interesting piece of art, at the very least.

I'm also thinking of starting an electronic zine that takes the form of a academic journal that would feature the philosophical and metaphysical musings of people on the psychotic/schizophrenia spectrum. I don't know how successful that would be but it would at least be worth trying.

Man, I used to get God-like afterglows from DXM. Now I just get mild hangovers. This sucks.

August 2017

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