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The past two weeks or so have been relatively productive. I no longer have inertia, and generally get things done.

Still, I had a sadness come over me for a few days. I was reminded about my dead mother, and from that I was reminded by death in general. Those two topics plagued my mind for a while, and it was not uncommon to see things in the environment that reminded me of them. About a week ago, I saw a woman about my age (maybe slightly older) at the coffee place in the commons that vaguely looked like my mother; almost no one looks like my mother, so it couldn't have been a coincidence. In a way, it felt nice, but in another, it felt horrible, for it reminded me that my mother is gone forever, and has been for a while.

I told my therapist during my last session that my father taught me that there was no such thing as love. She said that to believe that was stupid, and that I should learn that love is real, for I still love my mother in my heart. This is true, and I am relieved, but not only does it do me little good, but I dare say that such feelings are rare. I suppose that it is natural, though, since I was a bit closer to my mother than most people are, or were. I was normally by her side when I was a lot younger, and made sure to talk to her at least every week when I was away at MTSU. I wonder if I will be that close to anyone again? I doubt it, but it is possible. I'm the sort of guy who kind of wants to be by himself, most of the time.

I've been reading Theosophy again, this time "The Other Side of Death" by C.W. Leadbeater. It is quite an interesting book and the author is a very decent writer (if not slightly loopy), but what was funny was that about two years ago I read another book of his called "The Way to Seership" and at the end of the very large book, it told you to simply meditate. It didn't even tell you how to do so. Well, in this current book, it brought up meditation in quite vivid detail, to the point where I tried it myself two days ago. Using a mantra to concentrate on my desire, I was able to have very fleeting visions, but the meditation caused me to stay up for hours. I am not sure why that happened. Nonetheless, I thought that what I did was very cool, to say the least, and also quite promising. I will definitely do it again, for I feel that I should do this in order to prepare me for a higher existence after this one.

I had an odd dream last night. It started with me in my old high school, in a room reserved for special education students, except the classroom was filled with normal kids. I don't remember what the teacher was talking about, but then I was transported to a room filled with philosophers, and I was a set of electronics. I blurted out some ignorant comment that I actually made years ago, and one person started to insult me, and another commended him on his venomous behavior. He then tried to kill me by trying to destroy my CPU, but he failed, and instead just took my speakers. I then revolved to go to the parking lot to either remove the taillights from his car or to cut his brakes. Needless to say, it then cut to another scene, where I was in my parents' old bedroom in Oak Harbor. I was seeing my finances and my mother commented on how I needed to watch my money, which I confirmed and then set out to find a plasma center (where they would give me money in exchange for my plasma), and then to hang out at a place that I hanged out earlier in my dreams about a year ago (this confirms the existence of an inner dream world, to me). But then, I couldn't leave, and I watched a risque music video with my brother and sister. It then cut to a presentation done by a surrealist artist, and I drew a picture with a pencil during the presentation, being highly motivated. I then saw an exposition of a doll blowing balloons, only for it to turn into something else, and then it went backstage, where a set of parents overdosed their daughter with cold medicine and she ended up a vegetable. Then, it was me and siblings on broomsticks, flying over a bland, brown beach, with my brother making the comment that the girl was brain dead. I told him fairly lucidly that she wasn't quite, since she could breathe on her own and that in turn implied that her medulla oblongata was functional. We then ended up landing to where our parents were, and I saw an unusual Game Gear cartridge in front of me. My father told me that I was going to work until I cried at night, and I protested, but that was the end of the dream.

Whew, what a mouthful. I think that I know what this all means. The classroom represented the notion that I was about to be taught something. The philosophy thing represents what I want to be, but have obstacles in. The music video represents what I despise in this society. The art presentation represented what I truly wanted to aspire to. The poor vegetable girl represents my worst fear. The money thing was about my current worries. The Game Gear cartridge represents the last of my material desires (there are only two things that I want to accumulate: used books and old video games). And finally, the demand from my father represents the demands made on me on how to live my life.

That dream was very interesting; perhaps one of the most important dreams I have ever had. I woke up early today, thinking about what I learned from it, and I basically came to the conclusion that this life is my life, and that I am going to live it up to my standards, and if others have a problem with that, then that is solely their own problem. I'm not selfish; I simply want to be left alone. I would be selfish if I made demands out of others, but I never do that. All in all, I think that I am living my life the best that I can.
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They are both back, as are the students.

Summer ended pretty quickly. It is sort of odd how my days are slow, and yet the weeks and months just glide by. I learned a lot of things over the past week. How I really do need close friends, but that I only need a handful and that friends would be hard to get without school or work. And the kids that came back. Just wow, they look so fucking young. Most guys my age would find the girls extremely alluring; not in my case, though. I mean, their attractiveness does register but I really prefer women who are in their mid-20s to mid-30s, or thereabouts. If they are still pretty then, they likely will be for the rest of their lives and they tend to be more refined mentally.

But still, just how fucking young they are. Some of them were born in 1996! That is insane. I totally feel out of my element in both Moscow and at the university. I used to feel right in my element in the libraries and the other areas of the campus, but these days I feel too old for it. I feel the need to move on, but where? I have no friends, and perhaps no opportunities, anywhere else.

I look somewhat older, and feel a lot older. That is a sign of maturity, I guess. Since I have no job, no promising career outside of what I can make for myself, there is a blank in my future. That is both scary, and kind of cool. Scary in that nothing is certain, but cool in that I have nothing binding me; no mortgage, no marriage, no kids, nothing. I can do just about whatever the hell I want.

And I highly doubt that will ever change.

In any case, the meditation is going great. I'm not drinking too much anymore, although I did start smoking cigarettes again. I don't mind them if they are mild, but I know better than to be a regular smoker, even lightly. It seems that the meditation affects my sleep, and I'm able to have hypnagogic dreams and visions. It is really, really cool. My visions have also become more clear, seeing more definite shapes, greater applied imagery, and some of them seem to be of a revelatory nature. I feel that I'm sharpening my mind towards greater things, if this is indeed the case.

Outside of that, nothing significant is happening. I'm not bored, but I'm wondering how the next few months will be, given that I will not be auditing a class this semester.
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So, I have been able to meditate a bit as of recently. I can meditate for roughly 30 minutes at a time, and sometimes I get visuals, although they aren't stable. However, the visuals are coming more easily and with greater clarity, so it seems as if I am naturally gifted in this way. It is cool that I am able to see things, but I have no idea what they mean. For the longest time, I didn't think that I would be able to meditate, but I really just had to try it out and have it work for me on its own.

I've been having some odd dreams recently, as well. Not as often as a few days ago, but I was having dreams where I actually learned things from them. That had basically never happened before. I asked some people about it online and they said that dreams can signify a profound change in an individual. I have noticed myself change gradually into someone more aggressive as well as cold and calculating recently; there are still portions of my old self left over, but hardly any transmutation is perfect.

I did DXM last night, when it was a super-moon. It was very strange; it could have been that I had got a new computer as well as the fact that I cleaned my room yesterday (something which I almost never do), but it just seemed so lackluster. I did trip, but by the end of the first hour I was left in front of the computer, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do. Oddly, I don't remember most of it, but I do remember getting bored, and feeling that DXM was likely generating false information as well as having my brain more receptive to real information. I'm not entirely skeptical of it, however, for there have been a few things about my trips that have remained constant, so as such it may be possible that there really is something out there that we normally cannot perceive.

Basically, I got the notion that I was now bored with it, that it was artificial, that meditation was better and that I'm too old to be doing this stuff anymore. Of course I will do DXM again some other time (it is simply too fun), but on the whole I want to obtain the visions on my own, and through my own.
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I've been staying away from alcohol for the past week; I can tell that I'm already losing some weight, as well as not being so hungry and saving some money. It was important to do because it was making me more emotional disturbed during this trying time of the year, so I need to be as sober as possible.

I do plan on doing DXM on the next full moon, though, which is coincidentally just a week from my mother's death anniversary. But it will have been a month from not using it, so that is still progress.

I've been staying up later and waking up a lot later, too. I wonder if the abstinence from alcohol is doing that.

I bought some used books yesterday: one on hacking, one on parallel programming, and two on Theosophy. I think that it was the best score I've had in a while. I value my books than almost all of my other possessions, and I'm grateful that most people don't steal them.

I'm not sure if I will move to Portland. I probably will, but I was also thinking of other cities. I should think about it after the death anniversary.

In any case I'm still writing, although not as much, and I'm reading on Paganism. I don't really agree with Paganism in that it values the physical and the ordinary, mundane side of life, although it does stress that humans are not the center of existence, which I do agree with. Instead, I value the supernatural and the phenomenal, and chose to focus on things that are almost exclusively otherworldly and non-human. I guess that the term "Spiritualist" would be the better one to use for what I am by this point.

All is surprisingly quiet, and relatively calm. My brother is coming over two days from now and we plan on visiting our mother's grave on Saturday, which is the two year anniversary of her death. Oddly, our father will be gone on a trip with his girlfriend, which is both odd and insulting, but at least they won't show up together at her grave.

Worse things could happen.
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It has been a while.

I've been meaning to write in this journal, but there has been a combination of too much going on, and too little.

I've decided that I'm going to move to Portland, OR in a year. There is a significant occult scene there, and I'd like to at least become familiar with it. Not only that, but I will have been here for five years by that time, and that is long enough for me. I mean, I love Moscow, but this place has little to offer really even now, outside of my friends. And I will miss my friends, but I've got to expand my horizons, you know? I'll just stagnate if I stay here, it is time to move on and grow up again.

I lost the calmness from that one DXM trip, but the mental heuristics and lessons learned stayed with me, and I'm doing a bit better still. Not completely, but I don't experience horrible mood swings and I've stopped hating people as certain groups or races; I just look down on most people in general. I'm not completely a misanthrope; I just wonder how "good" most people really are.

I'm still doing DXM occasionally, and have been learning a lot from it. It seems that as time goes on, the more my experiences with it evolve. Even my weakest trips this year rival almost all that I experienced back in 2011, or even a few from last year. DXM seems to change on me a bit, even when I'm taking the same medication.

I've been reading parts of the Old Testament, and needless to say, it is a bit fucked up. I don't agree with almost anything in there and I'm wondering just how good Judaism is, how good Christianity is, and perhaps how good God is. I'm wondering how much of a farce it all is (for instance, there is no archeological evidence that the Jews were ever in ancient Egypt, and Babylon never fell to the Jews as the Jews predicted they would). Since the New Testament is at least partially based on the Old, I'm wondering if I should continue on with the whole thing. But I should probably read more into it.

I didn't go to church last Sunday; partially because of the Old Testament thing, but mostly because of the Elliot Rodger ordeal. I'm not like that guy, I know, but I am also an older virgin who has had bouts of anger towards women (but not men) and it kind of struck a nerve in my sensitive heart. I just don't want to be like that narcissistic prick.

In other news, I've been writing again. It is a non-fictional work titled A Perception of Existence and Reality, where I talk about what makes up the fabric of the universe, except in a simple, theoretical fashion. I've reached about 9,000 words in nine days, and the goal is around 20,000 - 25,000, so I'm getting close. I don't know if I will publish it, or just put it on

Well, that is it.
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I've been in some mental and emotional tumult over the past few weeks, but I'm not sure why. I mean, I am focusing on some deep-rooted obsessions and fears, but why? My roommate thinks that it is due to the solar flares that keep on happening. Possible; I am indeed a sensitive person. Maybe God or the spirits are putting me through a trial, in order to see how I progress. I still believe in God, despite him being silent in this world. My faith in Christianity is stronger than ever; every time I read the Bible I feel more convinced of it's truth. It isn't perfect, of course; for one thing, it doesn't care about slavery, which should be obvious in its wrongfulness. But I agree with it more than I disagree.

Today a woman showed up saying that they were going to cut the electricity due to my other roommate's lack of responsibility for paying his earlier debt that was carried over when he moved here. I had to use part of my emergency money in order to make sure they didn't cut the power. I really saved the day for all of us, but me and the main roommate were pretty mad about the whole thing; oddly, him moreso than me, since I don't care very much about money. But we had some good talks about it and we're going to confront the other roommate sometime soon. Pretty fucking important, I dare say.

One very important thing to note is that I've been having lucid dreams and astral projections recently. A week ago I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep, but I eventually did and I ended up having my first real lucid dream. It was funny how it happened; I just went through it as a normal dream (it was about someone trying to raid a warped version of our apartment), and then my main roommate said to me "Guy, do you know that this is all a dream?" And then I was all like, "Woah." Then a fully lucid dream began, where I wandered around an environment that was unpredictable. What was noticeable was that the whole series of dreams began the same as it did last time, with me zooming into a tunnel of light squares, except they weren't very bright and were bluish in color.

And then there was last night. Same situation; woke up around one or two in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep for hours. But around five in the morning, I tried to go back to sleep; and then I could feel the familiar distortions of dissociation, and shortly a tunnel of triangles appeared, and I went through them. Suddenly, I was in a field of a very vivid matrix of angled spheroids that kept on zooming in rapidly, one after another; it put all of the visions that I had on DXM to shame. And then I was transported to a very vivid, lifelike world comprised of colorful plants and fungi that adorned a skywalk; this did intrigue me, but it was very draining and eventually I got bored and said to myself "I want to just be in the dream world." And suddenly, I was in a much less colorful and vivid environment, but I could control my actions and I was fully aware of what I was doing. I remember the dream fairly well, but it was very different than the astral projection.

It seems that the more it happens to you, the more likely it is to be successful. I have never experienced anything like this before, not even lucid dreams. But for some reason, I now have the power to ascend not only to the dream world, but also the astral. I wonder where all of this will take me.
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So, two nights ago I did DXM after a tolerance break of six months.

I thought that I was only going to mildly trip, but instead, I got my ass handed to me.

It was a very brutal experience, the most brutal I ever had from any drug. I even thought about not ever doing it again, when I was coming down from the trip. But it was necessary, in order to learn about the nature of the world, and to move on.

I did it, mainly because my chronomancy abilities told me that it was the right thing to do. Over the past week, I was very bothered by an issue that I have had for half of my life, and I finally told it to my friend, my former boss at the Chemistry Department. She was very worried about me, to the point where she told her husband that she was afraid that I was going crazy. I tried contacting my therapist, but she never called me back. I didn't see her this week, either, even though I was supposed to; the appointment was cancelled.

DXM has proven to be very therapeutic in the past, and I had no other option. So as such, I tripped my balls off, to the point where I didn't know who I was, or that I was tripping in the first place.

I had many visions, but one stood out. It was a crude mechanism of parts that differed from one another, rough in shape and covered in grime. A part would fall off due to not being either wanted or needed, and then the vision zoomed out, with the mechanism being a part of a rough matrix of other similar mechanisms, working separately and in approximate unison.

At first, I didn't know what the vision meant. But now I know; the grime resembled the fact that reality is neither clear nor consistent. Life is filled with various factors contributing to the chaos, and we can't perceive the factors and try to ignore the chaos. The parts resembled humanity; neither equal nor uniform, working as best as they can to function. And the part that was discarded resembled the fraction of humanity that I despised; that they would be recognized as unwanted and unworthy, and as such would be sloughed off and sent to the depths.

All in all, it taught me that life is filled with so many things that we either can't or won't perceive or understand, and that is what makes things interesting. We also try to find those that are compatible to us, in order to be functional with both life and ourselves. There is no global unity; we have to find our own group. Life is complete, but not consistent; we don't understand either existence or the world, but we are nonetheless apart of it, trying to construct our own artificial reality in order to deal with the world better. And the ones who I hate, who don't deserve to exist? Either nature or God will take care of them, and thus things will remain decent in the long run so long as we don't fuck it up with egalitarianism or other worthless ideals (or just plain cowardice). The design will still function, and God will always have his way in the end.

We can't all be equal, for if we were, we would all be the same parts, and as such there would be no working mechanism. And some parts just never fit.
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Today I went to church, and had an early dinner at the pastor's house. I've been there roughly three or four times before.

I was eating a nice dinner with some of my friends from church, one of whom was the pastor's youngest son. I got into a discussion about how I support universal healthcare, and they didn't agree with me. I didn't agree with them, either, but it was still interesting to hear their perspective. I was telling the other friend about how I wrote a book, and when I told him what it was about, he perked up and said that he wanted to read it. I promised him a free copy, I'm pretty sure; I've said that to around six or seven people about now. I do mean it, but I'm not sure if it will get published.

I actually made him laugh, but I don't remember from what.

In the spiritual discussion, I asked if being curious about the occult was bad. The pastor said yes, and while he did lend himself to the possibility that not every spirit is against God, he said that detracted against the devotion towards God. He said that he didn't think that magic itself was evil, but rather how people used it for their own ends. I told him that I was just curious, and simply wanted to gain visions.

From that, we talked about my previous drug use and my experiences with having visions. They frowned upon my previous habits, but I told them that if it wasn't for my experiences, I'd still be a functional agnostic and would likely be with the Unitarian church instead of a real one. Some reacted with a "BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!", but most said that it was due to the fact that God reached my heart in spite of my destructive habits, and as such I reached out to him.

The pastor eventually did a poll where he took note of everyone in the room (about ten of us) who had visions. Outside of dreams, there was only the pastor and I with our hands up; there was one person who had one while sick, but the pastor didn't count that. I had told them about the "ADO" incident while at church a few minutes earlier (they were surprisingly accepting about that), which is what brought up the whole issue. I explained myself by saying that while I thought that a fair amount of people were connected on some level to the spiritual dimension (far from all, since physicalism and atheism have rendered most people dead inside, in that respect), some had a deeper connection for some odd reason, and I was one of them. I couldn't explain myself; that was just how it was. The pastor agreed with me.

Eventually, I left; the bottom line was that it was okay to be curious, so long as I checked my head. One person gave me an 8 out of 10 in how I presented my arguments, so I didn't look like a fool. I wasn't angry, either, so that was good.

I smoked a cigar a while later (I meant to smoke it with the group, but didn't end up doing so) and I felt horrible for about an hour or two later. I don't want to smoke again; dead honest.

Overall, I learned a lot today.
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I finished the book yesterday, at over 48,000 words. I was planning to write about 50,000, but it got to the point where I really couldn't write anything more. Either way, it is a tremendous accomplishment, and it is proof that I can actually do something with my time. I'm not just sitting around, playing video games and getting high; I'm creating works of art.

Last night, I couldn't fall asleep for a while, so I practiced a breathing exercise to help me go back to sleep. As it turned out, I was able to enter into a deeper dimension, and I had closed-eye visuals. I was remotely exploring my surroundings and the dream world while fully aware that I was curled on my bed without moving. I think that the key is to focus on what you are seeing when your eyes are closed, but to try to see the darkness with three dimensional depth, rather than just a flat screen.

This wasn't the first time something like this has happened, but it was the first time that it happened so strongly, and in such a controlled fashion. It always happens when I've been awake for hours and then try to go back to sleep. I really think that I'm doing astral projection or something, and am visiting a different reality. And now I have a method for doing it, meaning that I could practice it while awake, and trying to meditate.

It actually reminded me a bit of the dissociation and deep focus of DXM, except I didn't see any entities this time. To be honest, I'm kind of glad that I can now experience such things without drugs; what I experienced last night was actually in many ways superior to my various drug-induced trips, to be honest.
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40,000 now. I thought up of a scene where Saranna has to do surgery on herself due to the lack of being on hormones. That might either make or break the book.

But in any case I'm almost done now. Go team ME. I definitely will try to write another book again after this one, but I think that I will probably play some video games for a while in order to take a creative breather.

I went to church today. That was pretty good; I rarely ever regret going, and even when I do it is never completely. I feel like I fit in, or that I'm at least perfectly tolerated. What I like about Christianity is that it gets you to think about the unknowable, and instead of running away from it and building your own constructed "truths", you embrace it with faith. For God and reality are outside of the human condition, or at the very least the human condition does not make up the majority of it.

A quiet day. I'm grateful for that.
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Written 36,000 words now. Saranna is now out of prison, left to wonder what she has do to survive out in the urban elements.

I met with my friend today. We talked about how the question of whether or not creation came about ex nihilo may be a different question than the question of whether or not the universe as always existed, and always will exist, like the Zoroastrians believe. It was fairly thought-provoking.

The new roommate is supposedly going to move in today, but he hasn't sent the papers for it yet, as far as I know.

I really enjoy writing, now. I can imagine myself in the not-too-distant future in a different place, and just spending most of my days writing. As taxing as it can be on my energy levels, it is a very constructive activity, and about the only marketable skill that I have.

Since my story will end about a week from now (meaning that it would only take 25 days to write it), I wonder what I will do after that. Probably just take a break for a few days, or weeks, or even months. But we'll see.
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I'm feeling a lot better now. Just fine, in fact. Have a lot more enthusiasm and energy to do things now.

It snowed quite a bit yesterday. I was able to drive to the mall just fine, but it was still sort of a hassle. Supposedly it will just rain in only a day or two; that will be nice.

I met with my friend yesterday after about two or three weeks of not, and he helped me realize that staying with the church wouldn't hurt me. He wasn't manipulative or anything like that; he said that it was perfectly normal that I was having those thoughts and he could totally understand why I would think them. So I will go back; it will be slightly weird but I think that everyone disagrees with others on some level, even within the church.

So things are a lot better now. I think today will be fine.
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I talked to a friend today about my decision and she said that I should still go. I'll think it over; I'm not very comfortable there anymore.

During part of the sermon the pastor was talking about how there is this guy in California who just surfs all day, is on food stamps and uses them to buy himself lobster dinners. I can understand the lobster dinner part, but what point was he trying to make? That the person should live for others? What would he say about my life, which I have no problem with? Should I have to change my life so that others can feel more secure and happy? Hell no. I have my freedom, and if others have a problem with my decisions, then that is their problem, plain and simple.

Not to mention that Christianity condones slavery, which should be totally fucking obvious that it is a morally wrong practice. People just like to think that from one source, you can find all the answers. The reality of nature is not monistic; it is very plural. Hell, there is even evidence to suggest that there is more than one reality.

So I have a lot of reservations. I don't like it when people challenge the nature of my being; I know that sometimes I do have to change, but more often that not people will try to change you for their own benefit. I've already experienced enough of that from my family, and I'll be damned if I let people who aren't even my family do that to me.

Other than that, I don't know what else to do. I will probably start writing again; it will be an effort but I feel like doing it this time.
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I've decided to drop the ball on the Christianity thing.

It didn't end ugly. Just the opposite; it was very quiet and somber.

I just can't believe in a God (or at least a doctrine) that operates under so many absolutes, especially with things that are completely anthropocentric. I mean, seriously, why would somebody think that God would care about the slightest infringement of a moral?

I'm too open minded, anyway. I find absolutes to be hard to grasp. Not to mention that I don't fit in with people very well, although nothing bad happened between me and them. I just don't have a place.

I still believe in a God of all existence, but I don't think that all information can come from one source, or that we are all connected (I doubt Christianity believes in that; I'm referring to the psychonaut movement). We claim to know the laws, but we can't even understand the chaos.

So that is that. It is pretty liberating, actually.

I don't regret what I did, I just sort of felt like I was being phony. I'm just not the kind of person who can place others before himself for very long. But there was really no other way to find out for sure.
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Well I went to the college student dinner yesterday at the pastor's house. It was an odd experience. The food was good, but during the spiritual conversation in the smoke-filled library I began to argue with the pastor to the point where I was starting to get angry. That has never happened before in real life outside of my family. Fortunately I hid my anger pretty well, and it ended on a good note, but it made me feel disappointed. We basically just argued for an hour about moral absolutes, and my take on it was that you didn't always have to follow things to the letter (meaning, that there were times when you could do the contrary) and that you didn't have to be moral towards those who disrespect you. I actually wasn't that elegant in my speech, but that was the gist of it.

I just don't believe in a God that cares about human morality. If he did, so many things would be happening right now, that simply are not.

In any case it made me think about quitting church and even Christianity. I won't, but it did cross my mind. Maybe I will later on, who knows? I certainly wasn't raised that way.

It is slightly warmer now, and will continue to get warmer. I simply need to focus more on my intellectual works. I just picked up a book on the subject of being that is basically just a physicalistic circlejerk; it will be amusing to see how much I disagree with it. Sometimes you learn more from works that you don't agree with.
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Well I found a journal that specializes in Transpersonal Psychology, which is right up my alley. It is great because I actually have a background in psychology, so that can be utilized in order to write articles. Looking forward to it, for the most part.

I met with my friend yesterday, and we read John 5 and part of 6. I really liked John 5; it basically states that Jesus believed in the miraculous works of God rather than the laws of the Jews. Laws really do seem to limit people's minds, I think. A lot of Christianity really corresponds to how my life used to be, and how important it was for me to have faith and escape an oppressive environment. Because when you get right down to it, Christianity is about freedom and a lack of suppression.

I bought some B-complex vitamins yesterday, and took the first dose in the mid-afternoon. That was interesting; I felt different and my visions started getting more vivid. I sort of think that I was malnourished and as such I needed to buy those vitamins.

Well, I should try to keep improving.
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I'm trying to find journals that orient themselves around metaphysics and mysticism, but I'm having little luck. Maybe I should just orient myself towards psychoanalysis; there are more of those out there.

I have the need to write, and the feeling that I have something very significant to contribute, but I do not know what yet. It will take more reading and time, to be sure.

I meet my friend today; I haven't seen him for weeks. Hopefully that will be good; I haven't written anything recently but that is because I've been distracted with stuff.

I'm having trouble sleeping right now. Over the past week or two I've been awakened very early in the morning, and most of the time I can't fall back to sleep. I wonder if it has something to do with my psychological state? In any case I am not sure.

I want to get into meditation, but I don't know how. So far from my own uninformed practices I have had some minor success, but I need more guidance. But in any case it will just take more time, either way.
promeny: (Default)
Well, I didn't drink any beer last night. I kept on telling myself "You can't even go a day without drinking beer, you loser", but I did it. So I guess I am not a loser.

As it turns out, I might actually just write papers for academic journals instead of trying to write a book, at least at first. It is easier to do and you gain a better reputation that way. Not that I'm saying that anything is bad about writing books, but not a lot of people really read as much as I do anymore.

I've learned a lot from reading books just over the past six months. I dare say that it is almost equivalent to my college or even graduate school education.

I have gotten to the point where if I visually meditate, I can see geometric figures now, and can manipulate them. There is still a bit left to go, for I am not even close to being an adept, but I am well on my way. The visions happen about as often as they usually have, maybe slightly less. But I am getting better.

I had a dream last night about being on a mountain range with horse-like women. Nothing sexual happened, but it made me think.
promeny: (Default)
Tomorrow is technically my 30th birthday, but legally it is the 20th, because I was born overseas and they make that count.

I'm still getting the odd spells. I was in the Law building on campus yesterday and my eyes started hurting while I was on my laptop, and my vision got flat and half-white. That makes me afraid that I'm going to go blind. It only happens intermittently, so as such I'm not too worried, but it is still bizarre. It is like I'm seeing another dimension of the world.

There are hallucinations, too, but those are minor. Sometimes when I look at my shadow, it takes a while to realize that it is mine.

Just a total detachment, for the most part.

Not that I really mind; in fact I think this is necessary in order to further my advances in mysticism. So as such I'm sort of glad that this is happening. It is like a major spiritual event in my life.

Or this could just be entirely psychosomatic. But I don't think that it is, entirely.

In any case I'm just going to check out a new book and write in my notebook.

August 2017

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