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Sep. 29th, 2017 09:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
promenyI don't know if I really want to write about my real life online anymore. It just seems foolish, although I never really revealed too much, or at least, no one really noticed from my real life. I'm not like most people these days; I keep my real life completely separate from my online life. There are virtually no exceptions to that. Most people aren't like that these days, though; they have active twitters, instagrams, and so on that gives complete strangers a window into their everyday lives. I never understood the point of all of that; not only does it make you vulnerable, but I was never really connected with anyone to begin with to share any of my personal details, let alone my daily life. I honestly find it strange that I even had an online journal for so long when pretty much no one cared about me, online or off; I think that there was a time when I genuinely wanted to have online friends, but a long time ago I stopped caring but I still had one just to serve as an archive of sorts. But why should I continue to do so, when not only does nothing go on in my life, but I wouldn't either care or want others to potentially know about that as well? It doesn't make sense. Not to mention that the government collects personal data on everyone these days, but I'm probably low-risk.
Just...I don't know. Why did I even bother? I'm not even saying that out of anger. It is just that I can see how my life played out over time, and despite being kind to everyone and be relatively likeable at first, it was just so obvious that no one really cared about me or thought much about me. And over time (really just a short amount of time, over just the last two or three years) people started getting openly hostile and unfriendly towards me when previously they wouldn't have been that way when I was just a little bit younger, and this usually includes people who used to know me from years ago. I used to have a fair amount of charisma, but now everyone sees me as a freak for some reason, even when I try to be nice. I just don't see the point in being nice or outgoing anymore, and I don't care for anyone outside of perhaps my siblings, because I know that even the handful of people who do like me now will turn their backs on me sooner or later; history has proven this, even when I did nothing wrong. I guess the saying "Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate" really is true, and to be honest I'm simply surprised that I found out about that when I was so young and in such a relatively short amount of time. Over nothing, really.
I feel that I should just stay in my apartment now. There is nothing for me in this world, really. I'm a lot happier and more productive when I'm not around people for a long time, anyway. Whenever I'm outside on a regular basis, I just feel so drained. I'm not mad about this, just irritated. I'm actually pretty relieved because for the most part, I've let go of all my expectations of others and my life, and I've discovered my true nature: someone who doesn't care about others, wants to be alone, and just wants to be as he wants to be in private. I don't care about helping others or putting on an image anymore, because even when I did that I realized that it was a fruitless endeavor and people didn't like me, anyway.
This may sound like I'm depressed, but I'm not. Sort of the opposite, actually. I've just seen what can, and cannot be. I still like myself and I like being alive, but I don't like being around other people. I knew this for a long time but other people fed me crap about how it would be bad for me to stay away from others; well, they've never been in my shoes, where people are going to look down on you no matter what. And I feel great by myself. Not to mention how the people who told me that, are either now my enemies or have moved on. And now I'm done.
Just...I don't know. Why did I even bother? I'm not even saying that out of anger. It is just that I can see how my life played out over time, and despite being kind to everyone and be relatively likeable at first, it was just so obvious that no one really cared about me or thought much about me. And over time (really just a short amount of time, over just the last two or three years) people started getting openly hostile and unfriendly towards me when previously they wouldn't have been that way when I was just a little bit younger, and this usually includes people who used to know me from years ago. I used to have a fair amount of charisma, but now everyone sees me as a freak for some reason, even when I try to be nice. I just don't see the point in being nice or outgoing anymore, and I don't care for anyone outside of perhaps my siblings, because I know that even the handful of people who do like me now will turn their backs on me sooner or later; history has proven this, even when I did nothing wrong. I guess the saying "Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate" really is true, and to be honest I'm simply surprised that I found out about that when I was so young and in such a relatively short amount of time. Over nothing, really.
I feel that I should just stay in my apartment now. There is nothing for me in this world, really. I'm a lot happier and more productive when I'm not around people for a long time, anyway. Whenever I'm outside on a regular basis, I just feel so drained. I'm not mad about this, just irritated. I'm actually pretty relieved because for the most part, I've let go of all my expectations of others and my life, and I've discovered my true nature: someone who doesn't care about others, wants to be alone, and just wants to be as he wants to be in private. I don't care about helping others or putting on an image anymore, because even when I did that I realized that it was a fruitless endeavor and people didn't like me, anyway.
This may sound like I'm depressed, but I'm not. Sort of the opposite, actually. I've just seen what can, and cannot be. I still like myself and I like being alive, but I don't like being around other people. I knew this for a long time but other people fed me crap about how it would be bad for me to stay away from others; well, they've never been in my shoes, where people are going to look down on you no matter what. And I feel great by myself. Not to mention how the people who told me that, are either now my enemies or have moved on. And now I'm done.
