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Jan. 19th, 2014 01:37 pmFor those who don't know me very well (and even those who do), it may come as a huge surprise that I have a shitload of anger hidden within me. I don't usually show it (in fact I've never blown up at someone in real life, with the exception of family members {and even that is rare}), but it kind of brings a lot of psychological torment. I was raised around a bunch of people who had BPD so I ended up being kind of abused and a bit warped because of it. I really am not sure if I will ever have a girlfriend or get married simply because I can't form close relationships as a result.
I try to keep my anger at bay by pursuing intellectual activities; this works wonders in the short term but in the end I find myself back at square one. I'm not solving my problems; I'm simply distracting myself from them by focusing on different kinds of problems. So yesterday, I got to thinking why I had so much anger about so many things, because at the time I didn't even think about why, let alone the reason for it.
Then it hit me. I've been in the same place for four years. I've matured and grown up over those four years, but my past and my failings from it still haunt me here. Not to mention that although I am more or less an independent adult now, I still see my father once a week, and he still occasionally treats me like how he did before my mother died, which is painful. The reason why I have this anger is because subconsciously, I'm still haunted by the way things were, and I need to move on as a result. I could technically move any time, but there is the fear that it wouldn't solve anything, and not to mention I wouldn't want my roommate to find somewhere else to live, since roommates can be hard to replace and if I left, he'd have to deal with a rent that would be impossible to pay off.
So I now know why I have my anger. It is because I have matured, and grown up, but I'm still in the same place, and that haunts me. Sometimes moving away from a location does help, but I've seen my brother do it multiple times and he doesn't get anywhere. I did just the opposite; I more or less passively stayed in one place. MTSU only halfway counts because while I was in a very different place, it was still somewhat sheltered.
I have to move. I know that. But I can't do it anytime soon. I'm going to give it one more year or so, just to make sure things turn out alright.
I try to keep my anger at bay by pursuing intellectual activities; this works wonders in the short term but in the end I find myself back at square one. I'm not solving my problems; I'm simply distracting myself from them by focusing on different kinds of problems. So yesterday, I got to thinking why I had so much anger about so many things, because at the time I didn't even think about why, let alone the reason for it.
Then it hit me. I've been in the same place for four years. I've matured and grown up over those four years, but my past and my failings from it still haunt me here. Not to mention that although I am more or less an independent adult now, I still see my father once a week, and he still occasionally treats me like how he did before my mother died, which is painful. The reason why I have this anger is because subconsciously, I'm still haunted by the way things were, and I need to move on as a result. I could technically move any time, but there is the fear that it wouldn't solve anything, and not to mention I wouldn't want my roommate to find somewhere else to live, since roommates can be hard to replace and if I left, he'd have to deal with a rent that would be impossible to pay off.
So I now know why I have my anger. It is because I have matured, and grown up, but I'm still in the same place, and that haunts me. Sometimes moving away from a location does help, but I've seen my brother do it multiple times and he doesn't get anywhere. I did just the opposite; I more or less passively stayed in one place. MTSU only halfway counts because while I was in a very different place, it was still somewhat sheltered.
I have to move. I know that. But I can't do it anytime soon. I'm going to give it one more year or so, just to make sure things turn out alright.
