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Sep. 12th, 2014 08:39 pmStill not on SSI again, but I'm less uneasy about it now. Everyone thinks that I'll get back on it.
I just recently read a book called The Divided Self by a man name R.D. Laing. He was only 28 when he wrote that book. Reading that book really taught me many things about myself. The book is essentially a study on the intrapersonal dynamics of Schizoid and Schizophrenic people, and gives many case studies. Apparently, such people feel that their self is robbed of them, and they feel vacuous inside. They start to merge with their surroundings and the people around them, which is frightening to them. At the same time, they want love, but love is also hate to them, for to be loved by someone, is to be that someone, and thus they are no longer themselves.
I run counter to this in many ways. For one thing, I am not vacuous in my sense of self; I have a very strong sense of self, although this sense has changed throughout time, just as I have. To me, I am filled with dark water, full of depth, and at times, profound mystery. Having parents force me to be something I wasn't did not rob me of my psychological autonomy, or at least not for long. Eventually, I developed the strength to stand on my own and dictate who and what I wanted to be. True, I have no real place in society, but someone like me doesn't need one. I do not depend on others in order to define who I am. I am cool and detached; like the Schizoids and Schizophrenics, I am an outsider who simply observes in a detached fashion, but unlike them, I am perfectly content on my own. To be a man who observes all around him, and without him, to take notice on the flaws of humanity and to reflect on that, gives me a sense of grounding, as well as some form of intellectual immortality.
Then there is love. I once pined for love. I loved myself, but it seemed like no one else did, and that drove me insane for a time. But Schizoids and Schizophrenics tend to hate themselves, and see love as hate. I do not see love as hate. Hate really is the opposite of love, at least practically. I simply see love as temporal, and largely selfish. It cannot last, and as such it cannot be depended on. The only love that is deathless is the love for yourself. The same can't even be said for the type of love parents have for their children.
A few days ago I looked at the casual encounters section of the local craigslist. Some of the girls and women there were not bad looking, but I realized by this point that sex would be meaningless, especially without emotion. THAT would make me feel vacuous. I have evolved to the point where I do not have to get involved with others in order to feel whole; others would just drag me down. For all relationships end with at least some disappointment, and I would be one who would both disappoint and be disappointed. To stand on your own means that you don't have to have such connections with others, nor should you want to have them. I truly feel strong in that regard.
But let me not kid myself. There are still moments (a few, actually) where I still feel that pain, the pain that I've never been appreciated in the only way that mattered. But sex, and a relationship, or even sincere love wouldn't be the balm for that wound. Many people are in happy relationships and are still very unhappy with themselves; I have learned a lot from the faults of others.
On the whole, I have learned by this point to live and love myself, by myself. Oh, sure, I might go to a fine escort some time in my life, for if I want to learn the mystery of sexual relationships, I want it to be worth something, if only physical. But that is for a time long in the future.
I just recently read a book called The Divided Self by a man name R.D. Laing. He was only 28 when he wrote that book. Reading that book really taught me many things about myself. The book is essentially a study on the intrapersonal dynamics of Schizoid and Schizophrenic people, and gives many case studies. Apparently, such people feel that their self is robbed of them, and they feel vacuous inside. They start to merge with their surroundings and the people around them, which is frightening to them. At the same time, they want love, but love is also hate to them, for to be loved by someone, is to be that someone, and thus they are no longer themselves.
I run counter to this in many ways. For one thing, I am not vacuous in my sense of self; I have a very strong sense of self, although this sense has changed throughout time, just as I have. To me, I am filled with dark water, full of depth, and at times, profound mystery. Having parents force me to be something I wasn't did not rob me of my psychological autonomy, or at least not for long. Eventually, I developed the strength to stand on my own and dictate who and what I wanted to be. True, I have no real place in society, but someone like me doesn't need one. I do not depend on others in order to define who I am. I am cool and detached; like the Schizoids and Schizophrenics, I am an outsider who simply observes in a detached fashion, but unlike them, I am perfectly content on my own. To be a man who observes all around him, and without him, to take notice on the flaws of humanity and to reflect on that, gives me a sense of grounding, as well as some form of intellectual immortality.
Then there is love. I once pined for love. I loved myself, but it seemed like no one else did, and that drove me insane for a time. But Schizoids and Schizophrenics tend to hate themselves, and see love as hate. I do not see love as hate. Hate really is the opposite of love, at least practically. I simply see love as temporal, and largely selfish. It cannot last, and as such it cannot be depended on. The only love that is deathless is the love for yourself. The same can't even be said for the type of love parents have for their children.
A few days ago I looked at the casual encounters section of the local craigslist. Some of the girls and women there were not bad looking, but I realized by this point that sex would be meaningless, especially without emotion. THAT would make me feel vacuous. I have evolved to the point where I do not have to get involved with others in order to feel whole; others would just drag me down. For all relationships end with at least some disappointment, and I would be one who would both disappoint and be disappointed. To stand on your own means that you don't have to have such connections with others, nor should you want to have them. I truly feel strong in that regard.
But let me not kid myself. There are still moments (a few, actually) where I still feel that pain, the pain that I've never been appreciated in the only way that mattered. But sex, and a relationship, or even sincere love wouldn't be the balm for that wound. Many people are in happy relationships and are still very unhappy with themselves; I have learned a lot from the faults of others.
On the whole, I have learned by this point to live and love myself, by myself. Oh, sure, I might go to a fine escort some time in my life, for if I want to learn the mystery of sexual relationships, I want it to be worth something, if only physical. But that is for a time long in the future.
