(no subject)

The panic and anxiety has severely lessened, but I'm really just as disturbed as ever.

I really wonder if it will get better. People keep on saying that but to be honest it just seems that I'm becoming more and more fucked up. It isn't due to a lack of caring and trying, but ultimately, what can I do?

I don't really trust anyone anymore. My family, my roommate, the few friends that I have. It is like they are picking up on something and they are distancing themselves from me now. I'm used to people stabbing me in the back but that doesn't make it any less painful. I'm just doomed to be alone; I can't get close to anyone.

I don't want to leave the apartment for at least another year but I really wonder if I have to. I wonder if I can get along with people in the long term; it just seems like things fall apart after several months.

I'm just a loser. I have no girl, have no social life, and I barely do anything. I have accomplished almost nothing in my life. And it will probably always be that way.

I really wonder what the point of my life is. I wonder if God simply wants me to suffer. As a result, I have a lot of anger and hate in my heart, especially towards women.

I'm not going to finish the book. It is too weird. I think that Olanzapine has helped me realize that. Instead, I'm going to focus on a different project.

I really wonder when I'm going to stop suffering. I don't deserve this. Right now, all I want to do is hurt people.