promeny

It has been sort of a weird month. I don't have a very good memory right now, so I should try to remember the earlier parts.

Outside of seeing my friend leave on the 23rd and filling out the forms for the SSI re-evaluation, I really don't remember a whole lot. I think that the reason why I don't remember things so well is because I'm kind of going through a lot of emotional turmoil right now. The Monday after my friend left, I thought to myself "Hey, this isn't so bad." But by Tuesday I was sort of freaking out during the evenings, and this was the same the following day. Today I could barely be in public while I was getting groceries. I wasn't crying or anything; I'm just pretty emotionally and mentally upset right now. It is hard for me to seriously remember or think about anything. If I was using drugs and still drinking alcohol, then that would account for at least part of it, but that isn't happening. I'm just a very mentally fragile person, now. Later last month, I found out that a person I used to know online back in the 00s killed himself by jumping off of a 10th floor balcony about a year ago. While I was not friends with that person, it hurt me. I think that I've become more sensitive to the world due to the fact that alcohol no longer dulls either my mind or my senses. But at the same time, my emotions become more out of control. In a way, it is good, because then I finally feel alive, but you just crash and burn in the end, and thus you cannot feel much for a while. This is what happened to me, although I now feel again.

I'm not eating a lot. I wonder if I'm doing okay; I would say that I am, but I'm often preoccupied with my health to the point of neurosis. I've decided to make a lot of changes in my habits, such as not eating meat unless if it is offered, reducing sodium intake, not drinking alcohol, not drinking or eating anything with high sugar content, and reducing substance use (the less the better). So far, I'm more or less following all of that. I still smoke, but I only smoke about two or three cigarettes a night. No amount is safe, but I don't think that it will hurt me much.

I just really need to get my life in order. I'm going to be 33 in less than two months, meaning that I'm well past my prime. In just two short years, I will no longer be young at all. I already feel at least ten years older than my age. I don't look horrible, and I feel that I'm making the right choices, but I'm still a bit worried about how I'm going to hold up. I haven't really done a lot in the past year, and I feel that all of my opportunities are gone. Hell, I took all of them, and even succeeded at them, but look at me now. I'm nothing. I don't believe in self-pity, because I'm still very motivated to become something, but what the hell am I doing? I just really don't understand why my life is so broken, and why I can't get around to doing much. I really just do enough to care for myself; outside of that, I just can't. I'm not lazy, I just don't have the ability to do much. And it disgusts me because I have potential to do a lot.

And I just feel so odd, here. I've been in this town for so long, and the people aren't getting any older. In a way, it is interesting to see the young college kids act in ways that weren't typical when I was their age, but again, I just have no idea about what to do here. I just don't connect to anyone, anywhere, but here especially. At least if I was in a city, there would be a lot more people my own age, but cities would be terrible for me. I just don't know where to go.

Well, at least I'm feeling things again.

It has been almost a whole month since I last posted here. I forgot to visit this place until just recently, due to a lot of stuff happening.

On the 23rd of the last month, I decided to stop taking Olanzapine. I just felt that it got in the way of my emotions and the ability to experience pleasure in my life, and I was right about that. But what I didn't know, was that going off of it induces quite a nasty withdrawal, and I had no idea about that. Of course, I am well experienced with both taking medication and going off of medication, since I've been doped up for half my life. Despite this, the past few weeks have been somewhat hellish, to say the least, although there has been a lot of good, too. And it is also important to note that this is in no way my worst instance of going off of a medication. It is really only about the 3rd worst withdrawal I've had.

So, what is it like? At first, it felt wonderful. I felt like I could actually feel things in life again, and this is in fact true. I don't have to use substances in order to enjoy myself; I haven't used drugs in weeks and I hate smoking now, because it tastes gross. I still feel like drinking beer occasionally, but that is really only to calm my nerves, and I no longer feel the need to get drunk every day anymore (I don't even drink half as much as I used to). I can feel "high" just by being myself, and doing something as simple as looking at grass makes me feel grateful to be alive. Nonetheless, a few days later the negative symptoms started to appear. Headaches occurred, I felt nauseous, I was scatterbrained, I had horrible irritability, I had weird abdominal cramps, I felt that I was going to have a heart attack, I didn't want to eat, and so on. While I didn't want to off myself and I didn't feel like I was going to die, I still felt really sick, and I wasn't really myself for a few days. In some ways, I'm still not, for I'm not really able to be around people unless if I'm going to see people I already know. I was never an extremely friendly character in my full-grown adulthood, but my asocial nature has reached a higher level. I don't want to stop being friends with the ones I'm already on good terms with, but I have no desire to be friends with anyone else. I'm still polite, though.

I don't regret doing this, and the withdrawal effects have calmed down somewhat, but I think that I really am a changed person, albeit mostly for the better. Despite wanting little to do with others, I no longer have addiction problems (right now, at least), I feel happier, I'm more socially aware, I no longer have my delusions, I don't have violent fantasies, I'm usually not angry, and I feel like I'm finally taking the steps towards becoming my true self. I am a little less focused and perhaps a bit more paranoid, but I always was.

I think that I had delusions because the Olanzapine limited my ability to think in terms of associations and depth, and as such I became more frustrated and emotionally aroused when I couldn't figure out a problem due to that limitation. From that, I came to conclusions based on insubstantial evidence, something that I otherwise would not have done. But once I stopped taking the medication, I was able to finally face my demons, and I got over them, at least for now.

I told two of my friends last week, and at first they were worried about me, but now they are fine about it. I also told my brother three days ago and my therapist yesterday, and both were surprisingly supportive. I honestly feel that I'm on the right track now.

My brother told me that due to being medicated for half my life, beginning at the age of 16, I wasn't able to really establish my true identity, and now I can. I think that he was absolutely right about that. There were so many things that I did from then until now, that were the result of my brain being messed with, and thus me being confused. It was really tragic, if you think about it.

I might write a book about how I survived the "system", sooner or later. I'm going to give it a few months, though, just to see how things turn out.

Outside of that, I've been noticing some odd things in the world, but they are interesting things that make me wonder about the nature of existence. I might write about those at a later time, though. Right now, I'm just going to take things as they are, because it would be too soon to come to any conclusions.

Well, I found a place about a week ago, and I move in on the 24th.

It is great because I was so worried, and now I realize that while I had reason to be paranoid, it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was. The place itself is decent, but I will miss this place, in particular the view. But it is a one bedroom and is actually cheaper there than here, so it will probably work out for the best. Outside of my last year in graduate school, I never had a place that was solely my own (actually, there was that basement that I lived in for three months, but that place was terrible, so as such it doesn't quite count). In any case it has been a long time that I will have a private place, at the very least.

I've still been worked up, though. Don't quite know why; you'd think that the issues would be over when the problems are solved, but that is not always the case. Perhaps emotions don't work like that; it goes back to how I stated over half a year ago that we have more than one mind. I had a hard time today, but I drank a bit too much last night. I'm going to try to not drink so much anymore. I mean, what is the point?

I've been reading again. Mostly poetry by French authors. I rather like Rimbaud, but I feel that my style doesn't ascribe to any school of poetry, nor should it. I don't even try for it not to; it just doesn't. I'm almost done with my second book of poems.

I realized something about a week ago: my mother is dead, will always be dead, and I can only ever see her in my dreams from now on, and as such, I need to move on. Drinking won't make it better, nor will mourning on an annual basis. I just don't feel anything anymore, and it is long past, so as such, I have to move on. Although to be fair, I didn't drink that horribly this time around. It just feels natural to let it pass...I've changed a lot since she died.

I feel like I've become an idiot. I'm not; I'm just burdened right now. Stress can change the way you think for a while; it will probably last for a few weeks or so.

I'm experiencing anxiety and stuff at this time. It is just the time of the year; three years ago was the day when my mother entered hospice, and she died two months later. You'd think that it would get better, and in some ways it ways, but in quite a few other ways it hasn't. I still dream about my mother on the odd occasion, but it really does feel like she's dead now. It has been that way for roughly half a year.

Tomorrow is also the five year anniversary of me leaving MTSU. I can't decide if that is a long time or a short one. Plenty has changed about both myself and others (I don't trust alcohol anymore, I don't like to party, I don't like bars, and one of my friends is dead). But even if not, it doesn't matter because that phase has passed and I doubt that I'll ever meet those people or visit that place again. I mean, sure, you never know, but it just seems unlikely. I did like being there, for the most part, but it is time to move on. On to what, though, I am not sure. I don't have much of a clue, to be honest. Oh well, at least I can say that I more or less act like an adult now.

So I'm just dealing with seasonal shit. Mostly in my personal life, but there have been a few things in the environment, as well. I must have allergies, because my eyes hurt and my nose isn't always doing well. I also don't like it when it suddenly gets hot. Mostly, though, I feel like I have mild dementia, because I can't focus, I get very angry for no reason, I forget things, and I feel like I'm hallucinating half the time. Then again, I seem to do that around this time of the year, and this was true even before my mother dying and then dead.

I've been having odd bouts of hypnagogic visions. It is cool that I have them, but I can't control them very well. I'm just taken to different vistas, and I can see them as plainly as if my eyes were open, but there isn't much to do in those places, if you even can do anything in the first place. Whenever I request a vision or an action of my own creation, it seems like my subconscious taunts me and either denies it, or gives me something I wouldn't expect. It seems that even in either the Astral plane or the Mental plane, I have little to no power.

Just...I don't know. It just feels crazy.

It has been a while.

I've had some ups and downs, with more downs than ups in the past week or so. But I know how to manage, and I realize that just because I have a thought or a feeling, doesn't mean that it is automatically justified.

I honestly think that I'm a little down because I still sort of fear a possible death right after I turn 31. Well, perhaps "fear" isn't the right word; I have no problem with death but I wonder what would come after it, if I have "prepared" myself for it, if you will.

I'm also down because I haven't written anything in a while, although I am reading again. Reading helps me take the focus off of myself and try to be constructive with my thoughts. I have vague ideas about what I want to write, but I can't be bothered to do it right now; I still need to acquire more knowledge. Writing gave me a purpose in life, and without that purpose, I'm lost. And you know what happens when you are lost...

I'm studying the concept of gnosis right now. The Gnostic religions are sort of bullshit, but I find the concept itself pretty interesting. I want to learn more about it before I simply shrug it off.

Outside of that, I'm not really doing anything else. I want to gain more insight and power, but I need to examine my own flaws and limitations first.

It has been a while.

I've been meaning to write in this journal, but there has been a combination of too much going on, and too little.

I've decided that I'm going to move to Portland, OR in a year. There is a significant occult scene there, and I'd like to at least become familiar with it. Not only that, but I will have been here for five years by that time, and that is long enough for me. I mean, I love Moscow, but this place has little to offer really even now, outside of my friends. And I will miss my friends, but I've got to expand my horizons, you know? I'll just stagnate if I stay here, it is time to move on and grow up again.

I lost the calmness from that one DXM trip, but the mental heuristics and lessons learned stayed with me, and I'm doing a bit better still. Not completely, but I don't experience horrible mood swings and I've stopped hating people as certain groups or races; I just look down on most people in general. I'm not completely a misanthrope; I just wonder how "good" most people really are.

I'm still doing DXM occasionally, and have been learning a lot from it. It seems that as time goes on, the more my experiences with it evolve. Even my weakest trips this year rival almost all that I experienced back in 2011, or even a few from last year. DXM seems to change on me a bit, even when I'm taking the same medication.

I've been reading parts of the Old Testament, and needless to say, it is a bit fucked up. I don't agree with almost anything in there and I'm wondering just how good Judaism is, how good Christianity is, and perhaps how good God is. I'm wondering how much of a farce it all is (for instance, there is no archeological evidence that the Jews were ever in ancient Egypt, and Babylon never fell to the Jews as the Jews predicted they would). Since the New Testament is at least partially based on the Old, I'm wondering if I should continue on with the whole thing. But I should probably read more into it.

I didn't go to church last Sunday; partially because of the Old Testament thing, but mostly because of the Elliot Rodger ordeal. I'm not like that guy, I know, but I am also an older virgin who has had bouts of anger towards women (but not men) and it kind of struck a nerve in my sensitive heart. I just don't want to be like that narcissistic prick.

In other news, I've been writing again. It is a non-fictional work titled A Perception of Existence and Reality, where I talk about what makes up the fabric of the universe, except in a simple, theoretical fashion. I've reached about 9,000 words in nine days, and the goal is around 20,000 - 25,000, so I'm getting close. I don't know if I will publish it, or just put it on Academia.edu.

Well, that is it.

A bit has happened, but it is kind of hard to summarize; partially because things just fade into my subconscious by this point, but mostly because my thoughts and feelings change by the day, so as such there is little to no consistency.

I have realized that my personal past can do nothing but to harm me, and dwelling on it simply causes me to be insensibly angry. Anger does not serve well in either furthering my emotional state for the better, or to move on in life, so as such I should really try as hard as I can to forget about the past and to not be angry so much. All that anger does, is to stunt my psychological growth.

And if you think about it, anger is really a sign of a deep vulnerability that you have; a bright light signaling your insecurities and lack of confidence. I really do have problems with security and confidence. While I am working on it, and I am gaining more confidence, there is a long road ahead of me that I have just barely started on.

As for the hate I had toward women? Did me absolutely no good. They hated me because I had hate towards them, and made it known and directly guided (more or less) online. Who wouldn't hate you if you did that to them? Only the kindest of souls, the saints of women, would be kind to me after that. Granted, most women are not that good, but neither are men. I am certainly not, even though I like to think of myself as such.

So, what do I do, now that I am enlightened by this insight? I will more than likely relapse into the anger and hate, because they are mental heuristics, and even I am not immune to being intellectually lazy when I am emotionally compromised. But I now know, that I am solely at fault, and I will do my best to make sure that I will be better towards others, and more importantly, towards myself.

Through acquisition of knowledge, I will become more adept at handling my faults. Let me continue on.

I'm still around. Just nothing has really changed, outside of my thoughts.

I went to church today, and I mentioned to my pastor how I have a lot of ugly, destructive thoughts towards people. He basically said that I had that anger because I wanted to have it, which I didn't accept at first, but when I said that most people would just do me harm and leave me to rot, he said that Jesus had to suffer the same, and yet he still forgave them. That made me think a bit about my emotional state.

Most of the people I've been extremely angry at are people that I've had altercations with online; I don't even know what these people look like, let alone have ever met them. And yet I was around them for an extended amount of time, people who I probably wouldn't even notice in real life, and I let their toxic words seep into my soul. I let people who I never knew well, never met them in real life and would never either truly be their friend or enemy, hurt me in ways almost no one in real life ever had. People I didn't know, didn't care about, didn't get along with, and nonetheless I let them all warp me.

Why hate them? Why be hurt by them? The answer is simple: you don't. For all they were, was just a stream of words on a monitor. Never hearing their voices, seldom seeing their faces...they were just phantoms. And due to my weakness, I let them haunt me.

I'm a full grown man, now. I won't let that happen again. No one on the internet knows me fully or truly, and I'll never let any vulnerability show again. And seriously, my heart needs to harden, or else I'll just become a monster.

We got internet back! That means that I get to access it whenever I want to, pretty much.

I don't know how to feel about that. On one hand, it will make things less boring at the apartment, but on the other, not having it prompted me to actually go outside, and read, make games, and write. Of course I will continue to do those things, however I probably won't for a while due to the distraction that the internet will provide. While I am glad that it is back, I sort of appreciated the times I had without it.

I was really angry this morning, and had a headache. I was getting into my delusions, but when I saw the therapist today, I was able to talk about them, and told her that I felt horrible. It all stemmed from the fact that I desire to be appreciated and loved, and I've been rejected by both my family and society in general. There is no way to fix that, but since I know what is causing those ugly thoughts and feelings, it will be easier to deal with.

I mentioned the Zoroastrian belief of the afterlife to her, about how if you have lived a life with pure thoughts, you meet an angel on a bridge, but if you have ugly thoughts, you meet a hag that throws you off of the bridge, down into hell. She said that everyone would meet the hag, so that makes me feel better.

So I'm better now. I really don't think that I will be in a bad place for a while, or at least I hope not.

I met with one of my friends today. I hadn't seen her in a while so it was nice to talk to her, even though I was in a negative funk. I just told her how I've realized that most of the people who I thought as being my friends really weren't as great of them as I thought. Some of them have just faded away from my life, for little to no reason.

It just makes me wonder, do I attach to people too much? Do I trust them more than I should? Do I tell them a lot more than I should?

To be absolutely serious, there is really only one person in my life who knows about all the horrible stuff in my head, and still likes me (she is the friend I talked to today). I haven't told the others because I know that it would scare them away.

So in reality, I really only have one friend. But I suppose it all depends on how you would define 'friend'. Some people have a very broad, shallow definition of it; others hold it in high esteem, and only give it to a handful of people, if they do at all. I am of the former; I have no problems making "friends" or even keeping them for a while, but almost all of the friendships I have had have been very superficial and shallow. I often wonder if I am really capable of having a deep relationship with someone; honestly, I feel as if that part of me has atrophied due to being originally over-sensitive, and later on calloused and paranoid.

I really just see others as those who would be more than willing to cause me harm, or at least wouldn't care. This isn't really due to some juvenile pessimism towards humanity; that is just how they are. History has proven this.

The fact that I realize that I have a problem with really knowing who is a friend, who can be trusted, as well as that I may be forever-alone due to being a quasi-sociopath means that I am making a certain amount of progress. All I need is a solution of some sort. The problem is that I have no idea what that would be.

Maybe there is no solution, or that it is too late for one. What if this is just my way, my destiny? I don't believe in fate, however I have come to realize that I probably have the odd mindset that I have for a reason. I'm curious as to what that reason is. I still have potential to make something out of myself.