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Dec. 10th, 2013 02:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
promenyLast night I called up my brother, and during the middle of it I said a lot of violent things. He acted very disturbed by it, and told me to repeat what I said to my therapist today, which I did. The thing was, though, was that I only remembered part of it and unlike the last time I said something scary, I actually had embarrassment and shame for what I did. I think that what haunted my brother was that I said the violent things in a very cold, calm, matter-of-fact way.
I remember when I got fairly disturbed when I came back home from graduate school in 2010. I was more or less the same way; by the end of it I was just very calm and composed, whereas my family was blowing up at me. At least during most of it; I was kind of a mess then.
I think that I have such issues because I grew up in a toxic family that had plenty of issues themselves, but denied them so they put it all on me because it was safe to do that due to my complacent, sissified nature. Well, that fucked me up.
My therapist was very understanding; she said that she had seen me say things much worse than that and she could tell that I had remorse and was sincerely concerned about myself. She just thinks that my emotions boiled over momentarily due to my focus on intellectual stuff for such a long time. So as such, there isn't really anything to be worried about.
I just feel sort of sluggish right now. And aggravated, as well. I've been sleeping better, which is good for me. I should probably take a break or something, but I still want to do things.
I remember when I got fairly disturbed when I came back home from graduate school in 2010. I was more or less the same way; by the end of it I was just very calm and composed, whereas my family was blowing up at me. At least during most of it; I was kind of a mess then.
I think that I have such issues because I grew up in a toxic family that had plenty of issues themselves, but denied them so they put it all on me because it was safe to do that due to my complacent, sissified nature. Well, that fucked me up.
My therapist was very understanding; she said that she had seen me say things much worse than that and she could tell that I had remorse and was sincerely concerned about myself. She just thinks that my emotions boiled over momentarily due to my focus on intellectual stuff for such a long time. So as such, there isn't really anything to be worried about.
I just feel sort of sluggish right now. And aggravated, as well. I've been sleeping better, which is good for me. I should probably take a break or something, but I still want to do things.
