promeny

This may or may not be my last update.

These past few months have been weird. I'm not in any serious danger, since I don't really do anything wrong, but it just feels like I've been living in the Twilight Zone since the last incident. Everyone is just so judgmental and overly sensitive these days, to the point where I really do need to not bother with anyone and just go somewhere else. There is nowhere else to go, though, at least not right now. And there is nothing I can do about people being the way they are right now, so as such I just need to keep a low profile and stay indoors.

I hate it. I mean, I don't hate myself, I don't hate my life, I just hate how the world is right now (at least my neck of the woods). Things have just gotten so odd; my brother was over here for my mother's death anniversary (fifth year) and it was fun to be around him, drinking Rolling Rock together in my apartment and beating him at Street Fighter II on the Sega Genesis (out of ten matches, he only won twice; that surprised me since I'm not good at those games, either). But even he noticed that things were off back when he walked back to my father's house because he was too drunk to drive (I told him not to); he noticed on the way back that there were a lot of closed businesses and there were, indeed, a lot of cop cars around, which I had warned him about. The cops were everywhere for about three weeks, and even others noticed that. They are mostly gone now, but I still wonder what the hell that was all about. My brother just chalked it up to a lack of students and crime rate going up. The first part is definitely true (you don't see a lot of students anymore, even during the school year, although there are a few younger people walking around at night, for some odd reason), but I don't know about the second. I certainly hope that isn't the case.

I am drinking beer again, although I only drink about two beers every other day and I rarely get intentionally drunk anymore. I do smoke, though, and that sort of bothers me. I don't think that I'm going to die from it anytime soon, but I still don't like it. At least I don't have any reason to think that I'm irresponsible with alcohol anymore, especially since I hate it half the time I even have one pint.

I somewhat overspent this month; not too proud of that, although I think it was because I was depressed. I don't even spend that much; I just have very little money. I used to buy coffee a lot, but now I get it with EBT from Winco, and that stuff is surprisingly decent. If I sell some of my stuff and watch my finances, which I'm normally good at, I don't think that I'll be in any deep shit. Most who would see what problems that I currently have would likely roll their eyes and think "You have got to be kidding me", because most people have way worse problems. But it does kind of irk me that even the typical poor can afford to have a nice dinner at a restaurant at least twice a month, whereas I can't. Sucks.

Moscow seems to be shrinking to me. I can't go to the university (still don't want to talk about that, but it wasn't my fault), the bars are all filled with overly sensitive types who were nothing like that as little as two years ago or less (with the exception of one, but I only go there when few people are in there, because it small and almost always crowded), I don't want to go to the churches (wouldn't do any good, anyway), I don't want to go near the house that my mother died in if I can help it (the fact that my father married some stranger who got most of my mother's stuff doesn't help), I don't want to go to Starbucks (too expensive, too crowded, and the people there are too liberal), and even the smoke shop that I regularly go to probably isn't that welcoming any more. Someone there innocently told me that a guy that I knew of for years is leaving, and I innocuously asked him about it the next day; he got all strained and quietly mad, but I mistook it for him making some sarcastic joke (he had done that in the past). As it turns out, he's getting fired. I have no idea why because he is educated and worked there a bit; I merely told him that someone told me and he said "Yeah I know. I'm not happy with that person." I looked over to the other dude, who never seemed to have a problem with me, and he shook his head and mouthed "It wasn't me"; the man I was talking to wasn't looking, so I just quietly nodded. Having the wisdom to get out of there, I told those two that I hoped they had a good day, and the other dude (the one who gestured "It wasn't me") sadly said "You too." As such, it would be a good idea not to go back there anytime soon.

It sucks. I can't get close to anyone anymore, not that I really wanted to. I told this to my friend (really my only one by this point) and he confirmed. I told him about the incident and I asked him if it was my fault. He said that some of it was my social awkwardness but for the most part, it was simply me being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I came to that conclusion before he did. I told him that now he knows why I want to be a hermit, and he fully understood.

I was reading some of my former entries here, with me talking about friends. I have no memory of anything like that now. Odd how you can forget your friends or what you said or did with them, because they all (or at least most) will stab you in the back eventually. I think it is for two reasons: I am an older man who doesn't have any status or money, and I'm out of any social networking loop. I was tolerated at the university because I once had people there that would "support" me, but once one moved away, the other gradually turned away. I'm not really that creepy, I mean I don't hit on anyone and I don't talk to people I don't already know, or at least know of. I guess being an older nobody is enough to offend people, even though I did occasionally say some off-color jokes to my so-called "friends" (I did that for several years though without incident before THE CHANGE, so it isn't my fault). That one "friend" who turned on me? I knew that person for six and a half years, and that one never did anything about it until this year; nothing I did until early this year was any problem at all, or at least that person was very good at pretending, giving me free coffee and shit. I talked about that to my therapist, my only remaining friend, and others, and they were baffled. Just a bunch of liberal intolerance and bullshit at its finest. And I feel that it will likely just get worse, because of the narcissism fueled by social media. People really have to get their fucking heads out of their asses, I mean I eventually did, although when no one else does, all you can do is run or hide. When the other side takes power (the alt-right, and they likely will, sooner or later) those people won't know what the fuck to do. They wouldn't run and they'd be too stupid to hide, even if they could by that point. At least I can still do that.

Of course, other stuff happened as well, but I don't want to talk about it. Mostly about how my father acted during the death anniversary; acted bizarre during the cookout the day prior to it and when we were at the graveyard (my brother invited him, what an idiot...) he never said a single word about my mother, and didn't even look at my mother's grave that he's also on until my brother caught him not looking. He then just did the same stuff that he did last time he was there, in 2014; just completely unmoved and pointing to my brother our relatives. It was completely inappropriate, and I told my brother that I don't want him there again. Of course, he saw nothing wrong with it. At least they didn't go on some hike or fire guns in some backwoods road, although that was only because my father's new wife had a doctor's appointment. All the time I was there, my father never said a single word about my mother. He even forgot about it until I brought up that my brother was coming down a while back; this happened as soon as 2015.

Now you know why I can't get close to people. All relationships barely have anything genuine behind them, if they do at all. I learned that the hard way, but I did adapt to it, at least. Admittedly, the growing pains are quite painful indeed. You really do go a little nuts when no one cares about you, but no one really cares about anybody, they only pretend. Young minds aren't used to that, though; they have to have the illusion that the world is warm and welcoming. Breaking the false image into reality can drive one insane, but I'm used to that by now.

I don't know what I want to do anymore. I sort of sworn off drugs and I'm not quite passionate about anything. I've been thinking a lot about how I should continue down this long (or not so long) course of life and I do need to change a bit, because I was pretty juvenile for a while. I don't really want to do anything for anyone; not primarily out of selfishness, but because I'm just so used to seeing people giving me bad looks in the streets, including some people I had known in the past. Why help anyone like that? Other people just look like bags of flesh to me; I don't even hate them, I just don't feel any attachment, and wisely so. I wasn't like that when I was a bit younger; I wanted to know more people and know more of the world. But there is only so much that is worth knowing. As for the bad looks, even two years ago it was different; I can recall one person openly giving me the evil eye in public. In fairness, I think others have caught me looking at them wrong, too. At least I'm not spineless.

On the lighter side of things, I do like playing video games and I discovered that Appian Way Pizza, while it is messy to make and looks gross when made, is actually very cheap and delicious, although probably not that great for you. I still want to do things with my life, but I have to focus on the here and now, rather than be in some imagined dreamy La La Land where I have achieved all that I can never achieve, ever. Sad thing is that "now" doesn't provide much, although it is still better than just a dream.

2017 has been good so far, but I feel that I might need to keep a low profile.

There is one very good thing: I have stopped drinking alcohol and smoking tobacco. I have been clean from those things since the 30th of last month, and I don't want to abuse those substances again. Oddly, I do not have any sleep deprivation anymore; I tend to get tired earlier and I often wake up in the early morning automatically, although I usually go back to bed since I'm still very tired.

I have gotten kind of depressed, though. The type where you are afraid of sitting down, because if you do, you are afraid that you might not get back up. While I am psychologically sad half the time, most of the time it is just a lack of energy. But I'd rather feel like that than to feel nothing at all, so as such it isn't too bad.

I'm actually very surprised about how easy it is to not drink and smoke. I decided not to do those things anymore because they were making me poor, and I also realized that I had been getting drunk almost every night for over six years and it didn't solve any problems. In a way, I feel like I'm back to square one (before I drank constantly, in my mid-20s), but I also am starting to think that I am older than I actually am. I just recently turned 33 and I'm already saying that I am 34; it is strange.

I met a guy at the co-op a few weeks ago and we started talking; he asked if he could see my writing and I said sure. I sent "Threads of The Mind" to him, and he really liked it. We then decided to talk about it at the University, which took place two days ago. It was a little awkward, but I still liked talking to him and I was flattered that he wrote a bunch of notes about my document. We talked for over an hour and a half; it was actually pretty cool. We'll likely talk again sometime; he has actually motivated me to write again. He isn't as articulate as me, but he's very open-minded and seems to understand when you explain the material.

My brother seems to be more busy with his life; we don't talk on the phone as much anymore. He does a lot of stuff with his girlfriend, which is okay, but I guess brothers move on after a certain age. My father had me read the bills to him on the phone; he is leaving on his sailing trip in a few days. His girlfriend also had me open stuff, and I found out that on her life insurance, my father is the primary beneficiary. She has two daughters, so that seems a little off. I don't know what to make of it right now; I haven't told anyone about it.

That is about it. I am thinking about moving to another apartment in town, but I have no idea how to do that. I might not be able to, but I'm starting to get a bad feeling about living here. I want to move away from the town, too, but this year isn't the right time for that.

This month was really weird.

The election happened three weeks ago, and to my surprise, Trump won. I actually had a feeling that he would win, and even had a precognitive dream that he would win by a landslide (he did). Still, I had no proof, and I was a little worried at first, but when it turned out that he won, I was just happy that the other person lost, and that I won't have to put up with most of the liberal bullshit for a while. I spent several days afterwards in a euphoria, and I started drinking again to a somewhat greater extent. But after a week later, I burned out, and now I feel really shitty.

I didn't even vote. It wouldn't have mattered, anyway.

I turned 33 nine days ago. I was dreading it, but when I had my birthday, I felt relieved, but after it passed I started wondering if I was really living my life as I should be. I honestly feel really pathetic about myself. I have to admit that the past six and a half years have been a disappointment and I feel like I am damaged goods, although to be fair, I broke down a lot later than most people in my situation tend to. I don't really think about it anymore; 33 isn't that horrible of an age, although to be honest my life was a lot more fun back in my early-to-mid 20s.

I've been getting dreams that are a lot more vivid now, since my birthday past. I think that if you are still celibate every three years or so after you hit 30, you gain more magical power. These dreams often tell me things that I need to heed, like the one I had before the election. I like them so far, and I wonder how powerful they will get later on.

Thanksgiving was weird. I didn't even have a proper Thanksgiving, although I did get a nice traditional meal for free the day before on campus. It was at a cafeteria that I hadn't had a meal at in several years, and it was also the first time I had a free meal in a while. I was very appreciative of it. Two days after the holiday, my brother was in town and we all had dinner together; the two of us also hung out at the mall beforehand and went to a bar afterwards. Being at the mall with him was wonderful, and he bought new bed-sheets for me as a birthday present, but the dinner was a little strange and going to the bar was a little depressing. No one at dinner said anything horrible (at least not intentionally) but I had to wonder, "What would Mom think of this?" As for the bar, my brother chose a bar that I used to go to when I was in my late 20s; there was a bartender there that I hated and he gave me a cold glare, although it was not particularly menacing. I quietly told my brother for us to move upstairs because I couldn't stand the guy, and he acted like it was mildly humorous. I loved talking to my brother, but we only had one beer each and didn't feel well; part of that was the meal we had (it was too greasy, although not bad-tasting), but we although thought that the beer was a bit off. Not just that, but I got a really bad vibe from the place, and if it wasn't for my brother there, I would have freaked out on the inside. So obviously, we didn't get drunk, and it would have been inappropriate, in any case.

My brother left the next day, and he got home fine. He cleaned my floors when he came by in the morning, and that prompted me to clean my bathroom. It was sort of a big task, and I did do it, but it took me a while. I didn't even hate doing it, despite it being kind of gross; I just work too slowly, and it annoys me.

Other than that, few things have happened, I think. Time has passed very slowly, for some reason, and the fabric of reality seems to have been restructured in some way. But it is kind of nice, in a way.

It has been over a month since I've last wrote here. I would say that I was lazy, but in truth I just had to wait a while in order to see what was really up with my life.

My brother came down here in the first portion of this month in order to see my mother's grave, but had to leave a day before the actual death anniversary because he had to work at his new job in Everett and didn't have enough tenure there to have days off yet. It was nice to have him around; he seemed to have his shit together and to be finally making the right decisions. He was really concerned about my mental health, though, since not being on Olanzapine has made me less focused in real life; apparently, I do fine on the phone, so he wasn't prepared for that. It wasn't my fault, and I'm used to my brother hyping up my so-called "problems", but I do have to admit that there are times when I have more difficulty finishing my thoughts, or not saying them.

We visited our mother's grave on the last full day he was here, and I was little made at first because he was taking his sweet time doing outdoor stuff with my father and his girlfriend. Looking back, I can still say that it was a little inappropriate. But we were fine together, for the most part, and being at the grave was a bit odd. It just felt like a long time since it all happened, and I didn't have much to say, although that isn't implying that I wasn't strongly affected. My brother laid some tulips at the grave, and then placed a picture of him and his current girlfriend (who vaguely looks like our sister despite being half Hispanic); I asked him if he was going to be with her for a while, and he said "I don't know." I honestly hope that he didn't inherit any of the fickle sentimentality that our father has, but at least I can say that my brother was honest about it.

There were two horses right next to the graveyard (the graveyard is in the middle of nowhere in rural Idaho). I looked at them from a distance for a few minutes, and they then took notice of me, and came up to the fence. I walked up to them, and I was pretty sure that both were mares. The one I approached was a tall, brown horse with gentle, brown eyes; I did not detect any negative vibes from her at all, which I sort of did with the other. I then petted her nose, and she made noises that she loved the attention, and moved her face closer to me. It honestly felt that someone genuinely accepted and returned my affection, which I basically never experience. My brother was there, and he got a picture. There were times where he was laughing about it. I asked him about two weeks later why he laughed, and he said that it was because I looked so serious while I was petting her. I probably was because I just don't know what to do in such a situation. I like to think that my mother set that up, to show me that I can be loved.

My father was in the picture, of course, but he never went where we went and he didn't say a word about my mother, except for one time where I asked him permission to have something off a table that had my mother's handwriting on it. That was really odd, but expected. He could have said at least something. I really wonder if most men can truly love anyone. I know that I have problems with that, but at least I don't use women as objects or resources.

Me and my brother went to a bar on the last night, right after we went to the grave. I think that we only went to two bars. It was pretty fun, but I meant to spend a bit more on my brother and buy him more drinks than he actually drank. I felt like I owed him, which I generally don't feel at all. My brother is maybe one out of perhaps three people in my life who I'd give the shirt off of my back for. After we left, it just felt really magical, like I was in my mid/late 20s again and the year was 2011. Several years ago there was a period in my life where I'd go to bars a lot, and it was halfway fun at the time but I would never do it now. That night did bring back fond memories, though, and reminded me that I still have a little bit of youth left in me.

The rest of the month was relatively uneventful. I'm reading again now, having finished The Magic Mountain and one other book this month. The former took me two months to read, partially because it was fiction and mostly due to the bullshit that I had to put with (mostly in my head, of course). I don't regret reading it at all, and if I find a cheap used copy of it, I likely will get one for myself, but I do have to admit that a lot of the lessons that you learn from that book are not the ones that most people seem to think exist in there.

I tried to go to the bars again, for social observation reasons, but I found out that almost everyone at the bars are the same. The first time at one bar, I ran into my old neighbor who I partied with months ago, and he was nice, but he and his friend were talking about how they beat each other up for fun and they were also talking about another friend coming who liked to beat up people who he thought were gay. The next day, I was walking up the road to my father's house and there was this overweight asshole in his mid-20s yelling at me to "get the fuck off the road". I wasn't threatened by it and it didn't shock me, but I wondered just how people are turning out these days. Is it possible that people are really that violent and I've just been oblivious up until this time? I am more aware of my surroundings and of other people, after all. Then again, nothing like that happened in my neighborhood until just then, so I don't know.

I also noticed a few days ago that there are people walking around who look like they would beat the crap out of you in an instant, and I'd say that I was paranoid about that, but then I went into another bar not even a week ago and I could see the bartender and the ID checker coldly staring at me like a bunch of smug simians. I got out of there, because I know better than to give any sort of place that employs assholes like that any of my money. It was also about personal safety, but I could have at least easily have harmed the ID checker, if it came to that. I don't think I should go to bars anymore, and not just because I don't have the money; you are far more likely to run into bad people if you do. I'm not a coward, I just don't want to bother with that shit.

Not much else is to be said. I'm just more aware of stuff, I guess. I was worried for myself, for a while, but I seem better now. And I'm writing again now, which is always nice.

I actually feel great today (because I didn't have any alcohol or weed yesterday), but for the past two weeks or so, I had felt pretty down. Not depressed, per se, but I definitely had a sense of avolition. I just could not bring myself to do anything, including reading books. All I really did was drink beer and play video games, although not to a horrible extreme. I don't really know why that happened, except for maybe the fact that it was a natural consequence of using weed too much. I also had a really hard time getting out of bed in the morning, sometimes waking up as late as one in the afternoon. I don't think it was the alcohol in and of itself, although it does play a factor in my emotional lability. Truth be told, I never really experienced anything like this. But I was eventually able to do the things necessary to keep myself in order, such as clean my dishes, take care of bills, and give myself a haircut (I really needed to do that). And now, I feel pretty good about myself, although I used weed three days ago and that really set me on edge for a while.

Frankly, I think that this tells me that I should not use weed very often. Knowing that I don't like to become non-productive, this really does seem like a good idea.

I met with my father three days ago, and I was able to bring some things up that bothered me about what he was doing. He was a bit defensive, but it ended well and some things got clarified. It took me a lot of courage to do that, and I think that it was good for me to have done so. I think that it took me months to prepare for that, though.

I've been having odd, vivid dreams for a few days. One was the typical recurring dream where me and my family are driving on a highway by a large body of water, and we go off the road and into the body of water, except in this case we didn't go back on the road, but stayed in the car underwater. There was another where I was swimming in a lake similar to the one I used to go to when much younger, and it was almost all in a translucent purple/blue hue. And then just two nights ago I had a dream where this older man stabbed me in my left testicle and I felt real pain; as it turns out, I do have intermittent pain there in my waking life. Just this morning, I had two different dreams of me going into these weird, brown towers on a rocky plain, and then meeting someone I knew from high school in a community college library and getting into an argument with him (it started with me saying "I do not understand your analogy...", which is something I would say in real life). Just very weird, vivid dreams. I've talked before about how I think that there is a separate world that you go into in your dreams, or perhaps that it is the afterlife that you have when you cease to exist in the physical world, but no one can say for certain. Either way, I should study on how to increase my lucidity in my dreams.

I might write a document on dimensional thought. It sounds daunting and pretentious, but it is somewhat more simple than it sounds. I should at least try to do it.

Well, I should pick my life back up and start reading again. The weather has been unusually warm for a few days, which worried me at first but today I found it quite nice.

I'm a little bit better now. I feel a little sick, probably from the stress and perhaps the smokes and the alcohol. I haven't drank or smoked all that much (I've seldom betrayed the "once-every-other-day" schedule), but I need to stop doing that because it isn't helping and they are probably making me sick, or at least making it more likely for me to get sick.

I was stressed out for about three weeks. Still sort of am; it was making my hair fall out. When I was on the phone with my sister, she told me that when I told her of the bad news, that she could tell that I was under so much distress. I just hate how something can totally not be your fault, and yet only you suffer the consequences. I've had to experience that a lot.

I don't feel like I'm dying, but I do think that I have to stop doing this shit. I'm sick of it.

I likely won't move. I can't afford to move anywhere and I like it here, anyways. I shouldn't make a sacrifice just because someone else is being dishonest and childish. It turns out that my brother didn't know, and he fully supports our father. Big surprise there. I probably will be more distant towards both of them; I can really only enjoy my life when I'm not reminded of this shit. Fortunately, there have been times where I don't think about it, and act like it never happened.

I'm reading and writing again. After I read a book by Simone De Beauvoir, I'm probably going to write something about existentialism, which is my favorite school of philosophy (so far).

When I talked to my therapist about what happened yesterday, she told me that my father can replace his wife, but that he can't replace my mother. Only I have the power to make that choice. She is right, but it doesn't make it any less hard.

Oh well, at least my life isn't entirely boring right now.

I just have to become more distant with them. Disowning my father wouldn't do any good, at least right now. But I'm sick and tired of pretending and being manipulated. Even if my mother was still alive and our family was normal, you don't try to be a "big, happy family" when your oldest son is nearly 32. It just doesn't work.

I guess that I am still sort of angry, but if I shut it out of my life, it won't be a major problem.

Well, here is hoping that I end up not damaged or anything.

It has been about a month since I last posted. Things have happened, but I couldn't really jot them down. I don't completely remember the early part of this month, in any case.

My father and his girlfriend are going on a sailing trip down the coast of Mexico. I think that it is really foolish, because neither one of them speaks Spanish (at least I don't think that they do), his girlfriend doesn't really know how to sail, there are tides, storms and pirates down there, and there is bacteria in the water. Not to mention that he has never gone on any kind of trip like this; the San Juan Islands are just a dot on the map in comparison to the coast of Mexico.

Some people think that they will be okay (although most don't), but my father told me a month ago that they don't care if they die on the trip. Why would his girlfriend think that? She just retired. Obviously, he has some sort of death wish. When I told my sister that part, she immediately freaked out and said that he said this kind of crap when he was going to kill himself. Before then, she was just neutral about it, which was weird because I thought that I told her, but I suppose that I left that part out. In any case, they could die, or something else could happen that is not good. I'm not hoping for it, but it is realistic.

There is also the whole thing about where is he getting all this money to go on these trips and buy a sailboat in San Diego, but I have no proof of anything, so I can't accuse him of anything bad, at least not yet.

I don't drink every day anymore. That is great, because I don't want to waste my money and I care about my health. I don't like beer anymore, anyway; I threw up last night on my old laptop and I thought that I ruined it, but I likely didn't. I just think that drinking alcohol is pretty silly and juvenile, and is a waste of time.

I also don't want to do DXM as much; I'm not going to do it today, so that is good.

I've been reading some Existentialism recently, mostly by Camus. I like him; I agree with most of what he says, even if he isn't always clear. Sartre, on the other hand, is almost pure nonsense. Reading that kind of stuff makes me feel like I'm not an idiot.

I messed around with Irfanview yesterday, and it was really cool. It inspired me to make my own GIFs and pixel art. I think that I'm going to do that with my time now, instead of drinking.

Overall, things are above-average.

Christmas was somewhat uneventful. There were some minor awkward moments, but overall I had an okay time, and received more presents than I thought that I would. I didn't have presents then, but the day after I felt bad so I bought two boxes of Moon Pies for my brother and a box of chocolates each for my father and his girlfriend.

I talked to my sister the day after Christmas. She seemed well, but somewhat disturbed. We talked a lot about the past, and of family stuff. I might have drained her a little bit, but the conversation ended well.

My brother was here until yesterday. We hung out a bit and he got me new pillows; he wanted to replace the sheets on my bed, but I washed them and they ended up being salvageable. I did buy him lunch yesterday, and we also had some beer that I bought the day before yesterday.

All in all, not a particularly bad holiday season.

I finished The Dynamics of Light and Dark over two weeks ago. I'll probably start writing again in a few days, because I still have a lot to write about and I need to keep my brain active.

Overall, it has been kind of quiet. I came to a realization about a week ago, while I was trying to go to sleep but failing, that throughout my youth I was too familiar and trusting with people, and revealed too much about myself. With my high level of empathy, I was too open and I was foolish enough to at least partially believe that others were as good-natured as me. Of course, I had experience that some were not, but a lot of people were kind to me out of pity, it seems. I wonder how long that has been going on? I wasn't entirely clueless about the whole thing; my experiences with others did give me the notion that I was wrong, but I still had it in my nature to be so open with others, with that sense of aforesaid familiarity. While I have endeavored to become a lot more distant (and have somewhat succeeded), it does not come naturally, and I eventually lose my filter when I feel either anxious enough or comfortable enough. I now know what the problem is, but what is there to do about it? I can't become a total jerk, because then I'll lose my friends and whatnot, and I'll be a lot more of a miserable and unpleasant person.

I have only one more book to read til it hits the 75th mark of all the books that I have read this year. I can do it! That is an impressive number; I have all the time in the world, so I may as well use it to become more knowledgeable, rather than have my mind stagnate.

It is near the end of the year, and I've got to write the Monthly Synopsis soon. Hopefully I won't forget.

I'm back on SSI! Or at least, I got my payment for this month, however delayed it was. This is wonderful; it means that I don't have to worry about my lifeline anymore.

I had coffee with my father yesterday at the old house, and that was pleasant. I gave him a copy of my book Threads of The Mind (he asked for one) and he was pleased; he paid me for it, even though I told him that it wasn't necessary. Everyone who has read it has told me that I'm a great writer, but back to the coffee thing (I actually had tea). He noticed that I was a lot less angry and looked like I was in decent shape; we both agreed that it was likely because of the gluten-free diet that I've kept going for three months. I do feel better on that diet; less fatigued, more mentally sound, more healthy, better digestion, etc. All in all no drama was had, and it was a good talk. We talked for about forty-five minutes.

I had some Chinese food at the commons today; it made me not hungry for several hours, however it wasn't that great and it probably did have a little bit of gluten, despite trying to pick foods that didn't. I don't like Chinese food as much as I used to; it doesn't make me feel good. I was slightly out of whack emotionally after I ate it, but I managed to control myself and use reason to calm myself down. I still love Hot and Sour soup, though; I'd make my own if I knew how, which I sort of do.

All in all, I'm trying to be a little more "pure". I don't want to do drugs for a while, with the exception of nitrous oxide (because it is fun and relatively harmless, and does wonders for treating anxiety). And I don't drink very often anymore, and when I do, it is only three beers. I don't even masturbate as often as I used to, anymore. That was actually a problem for a while.

This, is to prepare myself for a ritual. I'm planning on summoning a spirit familiar; I more or less got the ritual down, but I still have to gain energy in order to do it. I think that it will work. I'm going to utilize word squares for it, as taught in The Book of Abramelin.

Things are looking up.

It has been kind of an odd week or so.

I did DXM with Damiana last Saturday, because it was a full moon. I was able to see abstract images telling me how my future was going to be like (a brick forming and then slid into a wall, and then a white string being woven into thousands of others, being sent forward towards the night sky). I think that this tells me that I will be a part of some movement or school of thought, which is the most likely thing that will happen. Odin and Satan came to see me; Odin wanted my help, and Satan told me that he could give me power. I then sat down and asked Odin, Satan, Samael and God what they thought about me wanting knowledge, but not power. None of them seemed pleased, although they had different takes on why they didn't approve.

There were many other things that happened, such as summoning an angel and feeling energy rushing into me from an outside source, but they are recorded elsewhere (reddit).

During the earlier portion of the week, I felt anxiety coming back. I wondered if my trip has caused such emotional disturbance, but that may not be it. Sometimes I feel like crying, but I never do. I'm very foggy in my mind right now, and for the past few days I've been making more mistakes while driving, as well as not talking quite properly and writing very well.

I get the feeling that something will happen soon. I just don't know when, or what. Fortunately, my judgment and intelligence are not very impaired; it is simply how I express myself, and interact in the world.

In any case, SSI called on Monday and told me to spend the extra money that I have by November. So I bought a used PS3 with two games and some t-shirts, as well as some other things. I may get a new laptop, but I'm still thinking about that.

I had a dream two nights ago where I was in the car with my mother, and she was making mistake after mistake, and we ended up in an accident. She went to the hospital and it turned out that she had early onset Alzheimer's...it was a rapid decline and she quickly died. I was thinking to myself in the dream, "It would have been better if she died of cancer two years ago."

But that isn't the end of it. Mother was given a prescription of Memantine, which can be used recreationally as a dissociative, and when she died I lifted it. Well, the staff caught me and they thought that I was being suicidal. I got sent to the psych ward in Lewiston, and my sister was with me in a lobby, going on about how Dad is in a relationship now so soon after Mother's death and how pathetic he is. I agreed with her. As it turned out, the Rosauer's in Lewiston said that I had to work there and was on call, so I got the permission of the psych ward staff to leave during the evenings to work there and then come back, like the psych ward was a hotel.

It was a long dream, and an odd one that revealed a lot.

I wonder why I'm having issues right now? Probably too many changes, and not knowing how to deal with them. But nonetheless, this is far from being the worst part of my life. I just hope that it doesn't get worse, though.