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Jun. 17th, 2014 04:11 pmIn about two and a half weeks, it will be the second anniversary of my mother's death, but I'm doing surprisingly well, all things considered.
This time of the year will always be a hard time, at least in some ways. But it fades away after a while, and I'm moving on with my life so as such it is harder to relive that time when I have a different life and I have become a different person.
I'm only drinking about half as much as I did last year during this time period, although I was using DXM every week. I've decided to stop taking DXM for a few weeks; it is messing up my emotions and I need a tolerance break in any case. I did LSA a week ago, and that was an interesting experience; I didn't think that I was going to stop breathing, but I am not sure if I would want to do it again for a while. I did get visuals, but they were fairly weak, and the thoughts and feelings in my head were a bit foreign. It was a bit odd because I wanted to be outside of my room and out in the open, but I would have been angry at anyone who tried to talk to me; DXM, on the other hand, makes me retreat into myself but when I meet others I either don't know they are there, or I'm just like "Oh hey, word up." I don't like psychedelics; they make my brain weird. I think most people who prefer psychedelics over dissociatives do so because they want to project their thoughts onto the world, rather than have the world mold their brains. But your thoughts can go haywire, and thus you'll perceive the world in a warped, even dangerous way. DXM just turn me into a psychological and spiritual receiver; a sponge, if you will. But I'm happier that way. DXM actually helps my psychosis until it fucks with my emotions, but most medications will do that if you abuse them. There is no solid, safe treatment.
In any case I took a break from writing A Perception of Existence and Reality (it reached 20,000 words) and I was surprisingly impressed with it so far. It flows fairly nicely, which shocked me given that I wrote a thousand words separately per day, and it could probably be wrapped up in a week or so. I actually see it as a worthwhile achievement of sorts; to have written two books in a year (really, half a year) is no small feat.
I might move to Portland sooner, since my father is having his girlfriend move in with him. I really don't understand why it happened so fast, and I don't want to get involved. It is one thing to run away from a problem that needs to be solved, and it is entirely another to run away from a problem that will only get bigger and bigger. I was going to move to Portland, anyway. But seriously, if it gets any more absurd than it already has, I'm just leaving and never coming back.
We never really were a solid family, if you think about it. Back when I was 27 and tripping on DXM for one of the first times (this was during a time when I was living at home and my mother didn't seem to be on the verge of death) I had the realization that the "family" that was living in the house was just a loose collection of individuals with totally different trajectories and aims in life, and yet were all here due to their own situations and problems. It was struck me how absurd living at that house was, and how my life at the time was. I no longer feel that my life is so absurd now (for one thing, I'm more or less independent), but I'm still on my own unique path that has no clear end in sight. The past still haunts me, though, with my father trying to be close to me; I don't understand because we were never close in the first place. When my mother was still alive, all he really did was bully me, control me and abuse me. I just see him as a very weak person. He absolutely can't go on without anyone, while I've been alone practically all my life and I'm still fucking standing strong.
But whatever. It will all get resolved in due time. I just got to have my reasons for living, and that lays in writing, and perhaps the Occult. But we'll just see what I'll end up as.
To end this, nothing else is really going on. I did have some outbursts with friends, but those evaporated quickly over time. Just hard times right now. I know how to adapt, though. When I move, I might change my last name from Anderson to Meresworth (or Meresmith). That will be my POWER NAME. But seriously, Anderson is boring.
This time of the year will always be a hard time, at least in some ways. But it fades away after a while, and I'm moving on with my life so as such it is harder to relive that time when I have a different life and I have become a different person.
I'm only drinking about half as much as I did last year during this time period, although I was using DXM every week. I've decided to stop taking DXM for a few weeks; it is messing up my emotions and I need a tolerance break in any case. I did LSA a week ago, and that was an interesting experience; I didn't think that I was going to stop breathing, but I am not sure if I would want to do it again for a while. I did get visuals, but they were fairly weak, and the thoughts and feelings in my head were a bit foreign. It was a bit odd because I wanted to be outside of my room and out in the open, but I would have been angry at anyone who tried to talk to me; DXM, on the other hand, makes me retreat into myself but when I meet others I either don't know they are there, or I'm just like "Oh hey, word up." I don't like psychedelics; they make my brain weird. I think most people who prefer psychedelics over dissociatives do so because they want to project their thoughts onto the world, rather than have the world mold their brains. But your thoughts can go haywire, and thus you'll perceive the world in a warped, even dangerous way. DXM just turn me into a psychological and spiritual receiver; a sponge, if you will. But I'm happier that way. DXM actually helps my psychosis until it fucks with my emotions, but most medications will do that if you abuse them. There is no solid, safe treatment.
In any case I took a break from writing A Perception of Existence and Reality (it reached 20,000 words) and I was surprisingly impressed with it so far. It flows fairly nicely, which shocked me given that I wrote a thousand words separately per day, and it could probably be wrapped up in a week or so. I actually see it as a worthwhile achievement of sorts; to have written two books in a year (really, half a year) is no small feat.
I might move to Portland sooner, since my father is having his girlfriend move in with him. I really don't understand why it happened so fast, and I don't want to get involved. It is one thing to run away from a problem that needs to be solved, and it is entirely another to run away from a problem that will only get bigger and bigger. I was going to move to Portland, anyway. But seriously, if it gets any more absurd than it already has, I'm just leaving and never coming back.
We never really were a solid family, if you think about it. Back when I was 27 and tripping on DXM for one of the first times (this was during a time when I was living at home and my mother didn't seem to be on the verge of death) I had the realization that the "family" that was living in the house was just a loose collection of individuals with totally different trajectories and aims in life, and yet were all here due to their own situations and problems. It was struck me how absurd living at that house was, and how my life at the time was. I no longer feel that my life is so absurd now (for one thing, I'm more or less independent), but I'm still on my own unique path that has no clear end in sight. The past still haunts me, though, with my father trying to be close to me; I don't understand because we were never close in the first place. When my mother was still alive, all he really did was bully me, control me and abuse me. I just see him as a very weak person. He absolutely can't go on without anyone, while I've been alone practically all my life and I'm still fucking standing strong.
But whatever. It will all get resolved in due time. I just got to have my reasons for living, and that lays in writing, and perhaps the Occult. But we'll just see what I'll end up as.
To end this, nothing else is really going on. I did have some outbursts with friends, but those evaporated quickly over time. Just hard times right now. I know how to adapt, though. When I move, I might change my last name from Anderson to Meresworth (or Meresmith). That will be my POWER NAME. But seriously, Anderson is boring.
