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Jul. 20th, 2015 11:14 amI haven't posted in a while. Although there have been periods of time when I didn't post for quite a bit longer.
Things have been pretty quiet. I've been kind of sick for a few days, I had dinner with my father and his girlfriend alone for the first time, and I went to have a medical exam, but that is about it.
I realized just yesterday that I'm really no worse off than I would be if I had a decent, full time job with a decent amount of money. I mean, sure, being on SSI and not having a job makes me feel like a loser, but on the other hand it was due to things that were completely out of my control. I think that what really made me angry wasn't that I really was a loser, but that I had proven myself by getting a Master's degree in something that isn't completely useless and yet I was still doomed to work the lowest of the low positions. For a long time, I felt that people were against me and worked towards making sure I was kept down. I still feel this way. But nonetheless, I can at least say that none of it was my fault, and that I have the luxury of having all the time in the world to spend as I wish. Not even most of the very rich have that freedom. Still, I have the feeling that I will never amount to anything, and that gets to me. People say that I'm a brilliant writer, but I have absolutely no idea how to get my poems and essays out there. And without that, you may as well not be writing at all.
I've noticed that I get a lot more angry these days. I guess that I'm more fed up with everything now. I have been wronged in some ways, but not recently. I don't know why this is happening, outside of being more sick. I don't know why I get more sick, either. I used to never get sick.
I just hope that my health is okay. I don't have any explanation for why I get so sick, so as such I kind of wonder why it is happening. I hope that my liver isn't damaged or anything.
Overall, I'm just trying not to feel like a loser. I like to think that I'm not, but I have no proof of that. My mind isn't as good as it used to be, I feel like my health is dwindling away, and I am afraid that I likely have no opportunities to become something great in my life. It is hard to move on, when you have nothing to move on to.
Things have been pretty quiet. I've been kind of sick for a few days, I had dinner with my father and his girlfriend alone for the first time, and I went to have a medical exam, but that is about it.
I realized just yesterday that I'm really no worse off than I would be if I had a decent, full time job with a decent amount of money. I mean, sure, being on SSI and not having a job makes me feel like a loser, but on the other hand it was due to things that were completely out of my control. I think that what really made me angry wasn't that I really was a loser, but that I had proven myself by getting a Master's degree in something that isn't completely useless and yet I was still doomed to work the lowest of the low positions. For a long time, I felt that people were against me and worked towards making sure I was kept down. I still feel this way. But nonetheless, I can at least say that none of it was my fault, and that I have the luxury of having all the time in the world to spend as I wish. Not even most of the very rich have that freedom. Still, I have the feeling that I will never amount to anything, and that gets to me. People say that I'm a brilliant writer, but I have absolutely no idea how to get my poems and essays out there. And without that, you may as well not be writing at all.
I've noticed that I get a lot more angry these days. I guess that I'm more fed up with everything now. I have been wronged in some ways, but not recently. I don't know why this is happening, outside of being more sick. I don't know why I get more sick, either. I used to never get sick.
I just hope that my health is okay. I don't have any explanation for why I get so sick, so as such I kind of wonder why it is happening. I hope that my liver isn't damaged or anything.
Overall, I'm just trying not to feel like a loser. I like to think that I'm not, but I have no proof of that. My mind isn't as good as it used to be, I feel like my health is dwindling away, and I am afraid that I likely have no opportunities to become something great in my life. It is hard to move on, when you have nothing to move on to.
