Aug. 29th, 2017

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So things are a little bit better, at least personally. I still have some minor money problems, but they will get resolved sooner or later if I don't spend too much on beer or tobacco. I'm still not using DXM or anything like that; I haven't completely sworn off of it, but it is better to wait for a time because while I wasn't addicted, I was probably using it too much. So far it has been almost thirteen weeks since I last used DXM, so that is good. In two more months, I will be abstinent from that for the longest I've been since 2014, which is even more good, provided that I follow up on that, which I should.

There have been odd things going on outside of my personal life, though. There have been gigantic demonstrations and fights between ANTIFA and pro-Trump supporters. I despise ANTIFA and they are becoming way out of hand, making even neo-Nazis look like "the good guys". There have been massive rallies on both sides, although the alt-left has been far more violent and hypocritical than the alt-right. None of this would have been foreseen as little as two years ago, and I'm somewhat scared, I have to admit. Which side will win? Hard to say, but it will likely be those who lean towards the right because almost everyone is fed up with ANTIFA by this point, who go so far as to enable gangstalking, beating up old ladies, and inflicting serious bodily harm. They haven't killed anyone yet as far as I know, but that is likely because as individuals they tend to be very puny and can only be menacing in groups, like the cowards they are.

The eclipse happened last Monday, and over here it wasn't that impressive, but the sky did darken quite a bit and the shadows of the trees got much larger so that was cool to see. I stayed indoors and I did not expose myself to the sun due to being afraid of the eclipse having negative effects on me, but when it happened I got into a trance-like state and everything became very silent inside my head. I have continued to have these states and it is very interesting; through this, I think that I have discovered a way to become more adept at astral and mental projection, although I am only starting to have success with that. I distract myself with analytical thought while I do it, which happens automatically, and it is sort of a huge task to learn how to turn that off for a few moments. I feel that my mind evolved that way over time because I had to depend on over-analysis in order to not end up in deep shit in my life.

I am starting to write again, although right now it is just an outline. Most of the time, I run out of energy to write anything, or lose interest, or just plain forget, but with this outline I feel like I have made a format that could seriously bring any project to greater fruition. It still needs to be fleshed out a bit, but I feel it won't take long to do that.

For most of this month, I was privately angry, feeling like I had no place to go or anyone that would want me around. This was made a bit worse when the students came back, and all the sudden there were more cars that I have ever seen in the parking lot before, all because the young students want to live with their girlfriends. While I have never done that in my life, I wasn't especially jealous; merely very irritated and annoyed because it just reminded me how abnormal I was in life. I mean, I know that it isn't my fault, for the most part, but why did I have such bad luck so far? To have everything fall apart? I don't know...maybe it isn't just me. Speaking of students, there indeed don't seem to be as much, although I don't go to the university anymore so I can't speak first-hand. There have been a lot of loud noises recently, and three days ago some young kids were throwing the construction traffic cones onto the main highway. I actually called 911 on them and a few minutes later, a cop showed up on the road and put them back in place. I talked about it with some people at the smoke shop yesterday and asked them if they had noticed any odd behavior recently, and they said yes, and it was due to the students. I added that it used to be nothing like this, and one added that the student population has changed and that kids now become drug addicts before they enter high school. Very odd, and these people are at least ten years younger than me (the clerks), so for them to be making a generational comparison is strange. I feel that things are starting to fall apart, at least in the rural regions due to a declining economy. Crime has risen around here and many buildings and businesses seem to be falling apart, and I feel that this is because the university used to provide a viable economy, and now it doesn't. Of course Moscow will be around for a long time, even if the university dwindles away, but nonetheless a lot of things seem kind of grey around here.

From talking about being detached from others on reddit and how it has contributed to my supposed cognitive decline, one person told me that I should post something on the strictly platonic section on craigslist. It seemed a little risky at first, but then after a few days I did, and I did get some replies. It was very odd that after that, my anger and irritability went down considerably, and now I am not so upset about my life anymore. I am currently talking to one person and she seems really nice, although I'm not sure how it will end up; it is too soon to tell.

September 2017

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