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Jul. 28th, 2013 12:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
promenyI went to church today, but I had to leave. I just felt so anxious and uncomfortable, and I wasn't sure if I was going to like the sermon. I'm not sure if it is the right thing for me; I mean I will still go again but it just isn't quite my nature. The sermon I believe was about your private thoughts (of course I have no way to prove this, for I didn't listen to it); I value my private thoughts and wouldn't trade them for anything. My intellect is my most sacred and valued part of me, and I won't lessen it for anyone or anything.
Of course, I could have just had a plain old panic attack. But I really did feel out of place this morning. I still felt out of place when I went to somewhere else, but less so. I just may never find either my place or my people; I am doomed to be alone and alienated.
I couldn't stop thinking about how my parents intentionally treated me like a toddler even when I was an adult; my dad still occasionally does. Due to what they did to me, my life went off-course for nearly twelve years, and to be honest I may never get fully back on track. I just see my life as being one full of delayed maturation, missed opportunity, and oppression. How am I supposed to get on with life? They destroyed it. Now I don't know what to do with myself. I wish that I could work, but due to having all those dangerous medications in my system (basically being a guinea pig), my metabolism and energy levels are permanently damaged; there is no way I could work a full-time job. I want to, but I can't. I get too tired. And now I'm fucked.
Is there a way to produce anything of worth with my life? I'm trying to, but there is no guarantee that anything I write is ever even going to be read, let alone get popular. And that is really the point of it: to be positively recognized. I need to BE something, damn it.
Of course, I could have just had a plain old panic attack. But I really did feel out of place this morning. I still felt out of place when I went to somewhere else, but less so. I just may never find either my place or my people; I am doomed to be alone and alienated.
I couldn't stop thinking about how my parents intentionally treated me like a toddler even when I was an adult; my dad still occasionally does. Due to what they did to me, my life went off-course for nearly twelve years, and to be honest I may never get fully back on track. I just see my life as being one full of delayed maturation, missed opportunity, and oppression. How am I supposed to get on with life? They destroyed it. Now I don't know what to do with myself. I wish that I could work, but due to having all those dangerous medications in my system (basically being a guinea pig), my metabolism and energy levels are permanently damaged; there is no way I could work a full-time job. I want to, but I can't. I get too tired. And now I'm fucked.
Is there a way to produce anything of worth with my life? I'm trying to, but there is no guarantee that anything I write is ever even going to be read, let alone get popular. And that is really the point of it: to be positively recognized. I need to BE something, damn it.
