(no subject)
Aug. 30th, 2013 11:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
promenyThere really isn't much to talk about.
I didn't miss smoking yesterday. I don't seem to get addicted to tobacco.
I've been think about a lot, though. The main question that my family had about me (up until last year, actually) was how I was going to take care of myself. Most of my family didn't think that I was capable of living on my own, but I always knew that I could, and here I am, having lived outside of my family for over a year. I really don't know why they believed that I was basically an overgrown child when it was so obvious that I wasn't; I personally think that it was because it was their way of having control and power over me (they got off on that) and they wanted to look better by comparison. It really fucked me up, and it still does, but at least I don't have to live in such a poisonous environment anymore, and am more or less independent.
The question that I have for myself now is this: Am I ever going to amount to anything? I have the fear that I won't ever, but that will only be certain if I don't try. Very few people are success stories from the very beginning; there are really no born losers or winners. Fame and glory is really something that everyone has to put a serious amount of effort into. I guess the real question is where I should put in my effort. I've always wanted to be an artist, but outside of pixel art I haven't gone anywhere with it. I write poetry, and sometimes the poetry is decent, however I don't know how to write them long enough. Philosophy is something I really enjoy a lot, but I'm relatively uneducated about it; that is being worked on, though.
Why should I amount to anything? Have I seriously asked myself that? I think it is because I was so used to people thinking that I was a dimwit, when I wasn't. I want to show the world that I am not a waste of space; that my life can produce something. I don't care if it is good works, or if it benefits people (because there are only a handful that I care about). It just has to be significant, somehow. I'm not content being placid and just living on the surface of life. I'm not the kind of guy who just goes through the motions and works 9-to-5.
My own life has to be a set of works. It has to mean something. And right now, even through all my educational efforts, it is just a void, waiting to be filled. It may always be a void.
I didn't miss smoking yesterday. I don't seem to get addicted to tobacco.
I've been think about a lot, though. The main question that my family had about me (up until last year, actually) was how I was going to take care of myself. Most of my family didn't think that I was capable of living on my own, but I always knew that I could, and here I am, having lived outside of my family for over a year. I really don't know why they believed that I was basically an overgrown child when it was so obvious that I wasn't; I personally think that it was because it was their way of having control and power over me (they got off on that) and they wanted to look better by comparison. It really fucked me up, and it still does, but at least I don't have to live in such a poisonous environment anymore, and am more or less independent.
The question that I have for myself now is this: Am I ever going to amount to anything? I have the fear that I won't ever, but that will only be certain if I don't try. Very few people are success stories from the very beginning; there are really no born losers or winners. Fame and glory is really something that everyone has to put a serious amount of effort into. I guess the real question is where I should put in my effort. I've always wanted to be an artist, but outside of pixel art I haven't gone anywhere with it. I write poetry, and sometimes the poetry is decent, however I don't know how to write them long enough. Philosophy is something I really enjoy a lot, but I'm relatively uneducated about it; that is being worked on, though.
Why should I amount to anything? Have I seriously asked myself that? I think it is because I was so used to people thinking that I was a dimwit, when I wasn't. I want to show the world that I am not a waste of space; that my life can produce something. I don't care if it is good works, or if it benefits people (because there are only a handful that I care about). It just has to be significant, somehow. I'm not content being placid and just living on the surface of life. I'm not the kind of guy who just goes through the motions and works 9-to-5.
My own life has to be a set of works. It has to mean something. And right now, even through all my educational efforts, it is just a void, waiting to be filled. It may always be a void.
