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Oct. 20th, 2013 01:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
promenyChurch was good, as usual. I did feel slightly alienated, but that could have just been my paranoia. I talked with the pastor about attending bible study and he said that it would be a great idea. So I'm going to attend on Wednesday night.
I've been thinking over the past day or two about what I have been doing to myself, concerning drug use. I honestly think that nothing too horrible has happened to me as a result of it (although I've been getting some strange headaches and my thoughts are slightly more difficult to articulate), but now I think it is the time to close that chapter in my life.
Is this to say that I regret what I did? Not in the slightest. DXM really opened up both parts of my brain and parts of the world that really captivated me, and it made me a believer in the supernatural, the afterlife, and God. I'd probably still be a practical agnostic if it wasn't for my dabbling in the illicit substances, and while the method can be looked down upon, the end result cannot.
But let us get real: I cannot be doing this forever, and I cannot be dependent on it. That is the easy way out, and it is practically escapism and to a certain extent, hedonism and materialism. Why should I gain thoughts and states of well-being through chemicals when they would be better gained through hard work? Work in which I do not yet know, but is still nonetheless possible. That is perhaps what makes it hard; we know it can be done, but we only vaguely know the method. All we know is that it requires discipline and a lot of dedication. But so do all good things in this world.
Not to mention, I've been ignoring the real world. The real world is limited, but perhaps that is what makes it worth living in. The worlds that you visit when using substances are seemingly unlimited, but you have no control of it, for you are not God. You end up just getting swallowed in the supernatural chaos. This is worth experiencing at least once, but it is not exactly the truth of the world. Therefore, you must pay greater attention to what is outside of you, rather than what is inside.
I obviously went on and on about many things, and it was definitely a rant. I must be slightly unhinged right now. Substances can do that, which gives me another, more practical reason to quit while I'm ahead. I feel good about my decision, for the most part.
I've been thinking over the past day or two about what I have been doing to myself, concerning drug use. I honestly think that nothing too horrible has happened to me as a result of it (although I've been getting some strange headaches and my thoughts are slightly more difficult to articulate), but now I think it is the time to close that chapter in my life.
Is this to say that I regret what I did? Not in the slightest. DXM really opened up both parts of my brain and parts of the world that really captivated me, and it made me a believer in the supernatural, the afterlife, and God. I'd probably still be a practical agnostic if it wasn't for my dabbling in the illicit substances, and while the method can be looked down upon, the end result cannot.
But let us get real: I cannot be doing this forever, and I cannot be dependent on it. That is the easy way out, and it is practically escapism and to a certain extent, hedonism and materialism. Why should I gain thoughts and states of well-being through chemicals when they would be better gained through hard work? Work in which I do not yet know, but is still nonetheless possible. That is perhaps what makes it hard; we know it can be done, but we only vaguely know the method. All we know is that it requires discipline and a lot of dedication. But so do all good things in this world.
Not to mention, I've been ignoring the real world. The real world is limited, but perhaps that is what makes it worth living in. The worlds that you visit when using substances are seemingly unlimited, but you have no control of it, for you are not God. You end up just getting swallowed in the supernatural chaos. This is worth experiencing at least once, but it is not exactly the truth of the world. Therefore, you must pay greater attention to what is outside of you, rather than what is inside.
I obviously went on and on about many things, and it was definitely a rant. I must be slightly unhinged right now. Substances can do that, which gives me another, more practical reason to quit while I'm ahead. I feel good about my decision, for the most part.
