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Jan. 28th, 2014 11:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
promenyThe new roommate moved in yesterday. He is alright so far, but it was hard to adjust to that.
I ended up drinking more beer than I should have since I didn't know how to quite deal with the change. I didn't drink a whole lot, and I didn't get totally wasted (in fact, I didn't get wasted at all), but I still feel like a complete fucking idiot.
It could have been worse. I mean, I didn't do it out of the blue; something major happened in my life. I now realize that I never had a problem with alcohol in and of itself, per se; I likely drank a whole lot in my past due to having a lot of stressors and unresolved issues that I simply didn't know how to deal with. People misinterpreted my behaviors and just blamed it on substance abuse, due to the fact that they couldn't get inside my head and see that external factors were heavily influencing me. This theory holds because it has been a long time since this last happened, and I haven't been in a bad funk in a while.
But I'm still disgusted with myself. Again, it could have been much, much worse than it actually was, but I broke a good record and I can't feel anything but shame about that. At least I'm going to stay away from the stuff for a long time, and the fact that I know why it happened, as well as the fact that I never want to do it again, is a sign of maturity and progress.
I really shouldn't be so hard on myself. Everyone relapses eventually.
There is some good news: I was still able to write last night. Up to 44,000 words now.
I ended up drinking more beer than I should have since I didn't know how to quite deal with the change. I didn't drink a whole lot, and I didn't get totally wasted (in fact, I didn't get wasted at all), but I still feel like a complete fucking idiot.
It could have been worse. I mean, I didn't do it out of the blue; something major happened in my life. I now realize that I never had a problem with alcohol in and of itself, per se; I likely drank a whole lot in my past due to having a lot of stressors and unresolved issues that I simply didn't know how to deal with. People misinterpreted my behaviors and just blamed it on substance abuse, due to the fact that they couldn't get inside my head and see that external factors were heavily influencing me. This theory holds because it has been a long time since this last happened, and I haven't been in a bad funk in a while.
But I'm still disgusted with myself. Again, it could have been much, much worse than it actually was, but I broke a good record and I can't feel anything but shame about that. At least I'm going to stay away from the stuff for a long time, and the fact that I know why it happened, as well as the fact that I never want to do it again, is a sign of maturity and progress.
I really shouldn't be so hard on myself. Everyone relapses eventually.
There is some good news: I was still able to write last night. Up to 44,000 words now.
