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Mar. 10th, 2014 12:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
promenyI had two weird dreams last night. One of them was when I was in a college class filled with a bunch of obnoxious and dumb autistic kids in their teens and early 20s; I was the only schizotypal person there, and I sort of had a distant disgust for everyone there. They didn't have much of an opinion of me, for some reason; probably because I just observed them and kept my mouth shut. One girl had brightly colored hair and tattoos of pistols on her cheeks; when another autistic kid asked her why she had them, she said that it was to scare off anyone who she'd initially be scared by, because it made her look like a gangster and stuff. Obviously, she wasn't very bright.
The other dream, I was in my old room back at my family's house (well, the last house we lived together as a family), and somehow I summoned my mother from the spirit world. She was pleased to see me, and I was pleased to see her, but it wasn't over-whelming. We talked a bit about a few things, mostly how we were both unsatisfied how there was no funeral or memorial service due to my father dominating the whole thing and wanted everything to be his way. I promised her that I would give her a decent funeral and burial (kind of hard to do, because she's now just a pile of scattered ashes). I later brought up what dad was doing and how I didn't approve of it, and to my huge surprise she reacted as though she had no idea what he was doing. I tried to tell her everything that was going on, but I was filled with so much disgust that I couldn't finish what I was about to say. She didn't seem pleased. We ended our conversation with my belief that I wasn't going to die anytime soon, but then my mother corrected me and said that I was going to die shortly after I turned 31. She didn't even seem upset about that.
Overall, that was a little creepy, but I'm not afraid of death and I've lived a lot of my life already, so it wouldn't be the biggest tragedy in the world.
***
Part of the reason why I might have had these dreams was because I did nitrous oxide last evening. That was an odd experience; it is sort of addicting, but not enough to develop a constant habit. The first feeling that I felt was a calm sensation, where I had absolutely no anxiety. Then came the dissociation, which was very weak at first but when I learned how to inhale properly I was more dissociated than I had ever been since I last successfully did DXM. I didn't get the auditory echoes and distortions until I had perfected the art, and it required me to hold a lungful in for quite a few seconds. It does provide a radiating sense of euphoria, but that only lasts for about ten to twenty seconds and it isn't what I am really after. When I did two canisters, it reminded me back when I was a little kid swimming in a pool, finally drawing a breath after getting water in my lungs for a while. Very odd; if this is what my friend who died from auto-erotic asphyxiation craved, well, I can understand the buzz but it wouldn't be something I would do.
I didn't get much visuals, which was disappointing. People talk about visuals on nitrous a lot. I actually did get one, where I closed my eyes and the phosphenes emerged more than they usually did, and formed a clear outline of the laptop right in front of me. Never had that happen before, even on DXM (although DXM provides way better visuals). But about an hour after I did the first few canisters, I saw some mild flickers and distortions in the shadows of the dark living room of the apartment.
Overall, it seems that nitrous affects me more psychologically than emotionally or anything else. I will definitely do it again, but it won't be a daily thing at all. It doesn't seem to cause brain damage; sort of the opposite, in some ways.
The other dream, I was in my old room back at my family's house (well, the last house we lived together as a family), and somehow I summoned my mother from the spirit world. She was pleased to see me, and I was pleased to see her, but it wasn't over-whelming. We talked a bit about a few things, mostly how we were both unsatisfied how there was no funeral or memorial service due to my father dominating the whole thing and wanted everything to be his way. I promised her that I would give her a decent funeral and burial (kind of hard to do, because she's now just a pile of scattered ashes). I later brought up what dad was doing and how I didn't approve of it, and to my huge surprise she reacted as though she had no idea what he was doing. I tried to tell her everything that was going on, but I was filled with so much disgust that I couldn't finish what I was about to say. She didn't seem pleased. We ended our conversation with my belief that I wasn't going to die anytime soon, but then my mother corrected me and said that I was going to die shortly after I turned 31. She didn't even seem upset about that.
Overall, that was a little creepy, but I'm not afraid of death and I've lived a lot of my life already, so it wouldn't be the biggest tragedy in the world.
***
Part of the reason why I might have had these dreams was because I did nitrous oxide last evening. That was an odd experience; it is sort of addicting, but not enough to develop a constant habit. The first feeling that I felt was a calm sensation, where I had absolutely no anxiety. Then came the dissociation, which was very weak at first but when I learned how to inhale properly I was more dissociated than I had ever been since I last successfully did DXM. I didn't get the auditory echoes and distortions until I had perfected the art, and it required me to hold a lungful in for quite a few seconds. It does provide a radiating sense of euphoria, but that only lasts for about ten to twenty seconds and it isn't what I am really after. When I did two canisters, it reminded me back when I was a little kid swimming in a pool, finally drawing a breath after getting water in my lungs for a while. Very odd; if this is what my friend who died from auto-erotic asphyxiation craved, well, I can understand the buzz but it wouldn't be something I would do.
I didn't get much visuals, which was disappointing. People talk about visuals on nitrous a lot. I actually did get one, where I closed my eyes and the phosphenes emerged more than they usually did, and formed a clear outline of the laptop right in front of me. Never had that happen before, even on DXM (although DXM provides way better visuals). But about an hour after I did the first few canisters, I saw some mild flickers and distortions in the shadows of the dark living room of the apartment.
Overall, it seems that nitrous affects me more psychologically than emotionally or anything else. I will definitely do it again, but it won't be a daily thing at all. It doesn't seem to cause brain damage; sort of the opposite, in some ways.
