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May. 7th, 2014 06:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
promenySo I have more or less gotten over the psychological problems that have plagued me for over a month.
It started when I took DXM after only a three-day break last Saturday. I was in a bad mood, and was disgusted with myself, and wanted to change. So I tripped, recognized that I needed to change, and for some weird reason, a switch got turned on in my brain, and I suddenly became a different person.
I didn't think much of it until the next day, when I noticed that I was very different than how I was previously. Didn't ruminate, didn't feel anguish, didn't go out of my way to think about negative things. I just became very calm and composed, able to handle negative thoughts with detachment and ease.
What I think happened was that I lessened my ego. When I would think about horrible things, I would focus on what the victims were experiencing, due to my immense amount of empathy. It was well-intentioned, but it was more or less psychological and emotional torture, and it was giving me several problems in life. The key wasn't to stop caring (to eliminate my empathy, basically); rather, it was to not put myself in the role of the victim, and furthermore to not put myself in any role outside of that of the observer. By taking myself out of the equation, I no longer felt any pain, and more interestingly I didn't think about those horrible things anywhere near as much.
To have less of an ego, means that you can think about life and the events within it more accurately and objectively, and you also won't experience as much grief when bad things happen. You simply recognize the event with clarity, and you act appropriately. This is a much healthier way to be.
Not to mention that it makes you less closed off mentally, with you being more open to new experiences and ideas rather than thinking in some restricted patterns that stagnate and warp over time.
So I feel great. I still sort of revert back, just slightly, whenever I'm irritated or stressed out, but on the whole I think that I've been changed for the better. Both my therapist and my friend have noticed that I've made a big jump forward.
I had a dream last night, where I inherited an old mansion of sorts, and living in it was a young Hispanic dude. We both found out that the mansion was haunted, so I agreed that he could stay here for the time being in order to be more "safe". Eventually I came across the ghost, who was a young girl in her late teens/early 20s that was killed for some reason in the 1930s. I was scared at first, but I could tell that she was in pain, so I decided to approach her. We talked, and she decided to trust me. As it turned out, she didn't want to talk about how she was killed, but I could gather that it was her parents that did it, due to her being mentally ill (she had a psychotic mood disorder). When I asked her if any of her siblings were still alive, she simply said "Yes."
The dream technically ended there, but I kept thinking about it this morning, and as it turned out, she was repeatedly raped by her father (her mother knew, and often helped) in a hidden room of the mansion and was eventually killed by both of her parents, with her corpse stored in a locked chest in the room. The parents told her seven siblings that she ran away, which they believed, however her youngest brother (the only sibling still alive) eventually realized that she was in fact killed. For eighty years, she haunted the mansion, feeling nothing but distrust and anguish that the very two people that were supposed to love her, ended up violating and then killing her, just for being mentally defective.
I think that I'm going to write a story based on that dream. I hope that it didn't actually happen.
It started when I took DXM after only a three-day break last Saturday. I was in a bad mood, and was disgusted with myself, and wanted to change. So I tripped, recognized that I needed to change, and for some weird reason, a switch got turned on in my brain, and I suddenly became a different person.
I didn't think much of it until the next day, when I noticed that I was very different than how I was previously. Didn't ruminate, didn't feel anguish, didn't go out of my way to think about negative things. I just became very calm and composed, able to handle negative thoughts with detachment and ease.
What I think happened was that I lessened my ego. When I would think about horrible things, I would focus on what the victims were experiencing, due to my immense amount of empathy. It was well-intentioned, but it was more or less psychological and emotional torture, and it was giving me several problems in life. The key wasn't to stop caring (to eliminate my empathy, basically); rather, it was to not put myself in the role of the victim, and furthermore to not put myself in any role outside of that of the observer. By taking myself out of the equation, I no longer felt any pain, and more interestingly I didn't think about those horrible things anywhere near as much.
To have less of an ego, means that you can think about life and the events within it more accurately and objectively, and you also won't experience as much grief when bad things happen. You simply recognize the event with clarity, and you act appropriately. This is a much healthier way to be.
Not to mention that it makes you less closed off mentally, with you being more open to new experiences and ideas rather than thinking in some restricted patterns that stagnate and warp over time.
So I feel great. I still sort of revert back, just slightly, whenever I'm irritated or stressed out, but on the whole I think that I've been changed for the better. Both my therapist and my friend have noticed that I've made a big jump forward.
I had a dream last night, where I inherited an old mansion of sorts, and living in it was a young Hispanic dude. We both found out that the mansion was haunted, so I agreed that he could stay here for the time being in order to be more "safe". Eventually I came across the ghost, who was a young girl in her late teens/early 20s that was killed for some reason in the 1930s. I was scared at first, but I could tell that she was in pain, so I decided to approach her. We talked, and she decided to trust me. As it turned out, she didn't want to talk about how she was killed, but I could gather that it was her parents that did it, due to her being mentally ill (she had a psychotic mood disorder). When I asked her if any of her siblings were still alive, she simply said "Yes."
The dream technically ended there, but I kept thinking about it this morning, and as it turned out, she was repeatedly raped by her father (her mother knew, and often helped) in a hidden room of the mansion and was eventually killed by both of her parents, with her corpse stored in a locked chest in the room. The parents told her seven siblings that she ran away, which they believed, however her youngest brother (the only sibling still alive) eventually realized that she was in fact killed. For eighty years, she haunted the mansion, feeling nothing but distrust and anguish that the very two people that were supposed to love her, ended up violating and then killing her, just for being mentally defective.
I think that I'm going to write a story based on that dream. I hope that it didn't actually happen.
