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Feb. 9th, 2015 03:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
promenyI actually had the flu for roughly three weeks last month; I only got over it about a week ago. It was odd, because I had no idea what it was like to have it, and when I got it I had no idea about what I was going through until I had it explained by others. It affected me somewhat bad for a couple of days; muscle aches, odd teeth sensations, and a horrible headache for about a day that made me feel like I was about to have a stroke. But I got over it, eventually.
The flu affected me far more psychologically, though, than it did physically. I felt really off for a few days, and I couldn't really write in a decent manner. I was pretty disorganized in my thoughts, and I thought that I was getting less intelligent. There was also a fair amount of depression, anxiety and agitation as well, and it kind of showed in my mannerisms. I'm fine now, which is a relief, but I was legitimately worried that I was suffering brain damage.
I've been wondering just how I'm going to be when I'm older. I don't think that I could stand being older if I had never done anything significant, or at the very least constantly works on something that might end up being significant. Perhaps it doesn't matter, but I honestly couldn't deal with myself being older and basically just contributing nothing to the world, like I'm a waste of space. I sort of feel this way right now, in that I feel worthless and that my future is just a huge void. At least when you are still somewhat young, you have that sense of hope, but in a few years I won't be young anymore and as such I will have no sense of hope at all. Oh well, at least I see it coming.
There has been a change in my personality recently; I'm a lot more pissed off now, and am not so shy and reluctant to show my agitation anymore. Maybe it is due to realizing that my life is kind of a ruin, and I'm a broken man, or perhaps it is because I've been cheated out of any sort of chance to really have a life outside of being on SSI. It started happening when I had the flu, so maybe my mind really was altered in some minor way. I'm not angry at anyone (well, outside of my father), because what good does that do? Most people had nothing to do with how I ended up, despite being apathetic people in general. Being angry at others just causes further grief and drama. And perhaps anger isn't really even the right word for the whole thing; rather, it is malcontent. I just like I'm not going to amount to anything and that my future doesn't hold anything; some of this is my fault, but most of it isn't. I was raised in a stupid way that closed almost all doors of opportunity for me. And the things that I did right, such get a Master's degree, never amounted to anything in the end. My life is just a dud. If I didn't have SSI, Medicaid and Food Stamps, I'd likely either be homeless or working some job that wouldn't even pay me enough to live on (trust me, I've been there before). I'm not even trying to whine, moan and cry; I am indeed grateful for what I'm given. But on the other hand, I feel like I have little, if anything to live for. I read a lot, and I want to start a blog so that I can share my ideas with people, but that is really about it. I can't even finish writing books anymore, because it just feels so fruitless. The feeling that I won't be anything significant is something that I just can't shake off.
Man, I really am whining. This kind of disgusts me. I still enjoy things, I still like living my days most of the time, and I still have some friends, so I just should forget about this whole thing for a while.
The flu affected me far more psychologically, though, than it did physically. I felt really off for a few days, and I couldn't really write in a decent manner. I was pretty disorganized in my thoughts, and I thought that I was getting less intelligent. There was also a fair amount of depression, anxiety and agitation as well, and it kind of showed in my mannerisms. I'm fine now, which is a relief, but I was legitimately worried that I was suffering brain damage.
I've been wondering just how I'm going to be when I'm older. I don't think that I could stand being older if I had never done anything significant, or at the very least constantly works on something that might end up being significant. Perhaps it doesn't matter, but I honestly couldn't deal with myself being older and basically just contributing nothing to the world, like I'm a waste of space. I sort of feel this way right now, in that I feel worthless and that my future is just a huge void. At least when you are still somewhat young, you have that sense of hope, but in a few years I won't be young anymore and as such I will have no sense of hope at all. Oh well, at least I see it coming.
There has been a change in my personality recently; I'm a lot more pissed off now, and am not so shy and reluctant to show my agitation anymore. Maybe it is due to realizing that my life is kind of a ruin, and I'm a broken man, or perhaps it is because I've been cheated out of any sort of chance to really have a life outside of being on SSI. It started happening when I had the flu, so maybe my mind really was altered in some minor way. I'm not angry at anyone (well, outside of my father), because what good does that do? Most people had nothing to do with how I ended up, despite being apathetic people in general. Being angry at others just causes further grief and drama. And perhaps anger isn't really even the right word for the whole thing; rather, it is malcontent. I just like I'm not going to amount to anything and that my future doesn't hold anything; some of this is my fault, but most of it isn't. I was raised in a stupid way that closed almost all doors of opportunity for me. And the things that I did right, such get a Master's degree, never amounted to anything in the end. My life is just a dud. If I didn't have SSI, Medicaid and Food Stamps, I'd likely either be homeless or working some job that wouldn't even pay me enough to live on (trust me, I've been there before). I'm not even trying to whine, moan and cry; I am indeed grateful for what I'm given. But on the other hand, I feel like I have little, if anything to live for. I read a lot, and I want to start a blog so that I can share my ideas with people, but that is really about it. I can't even finish writing books anymore, because it just feels so fruitless. The feeling that I won't be anything significant is something that I just can't shake off.
Man, I really am whining. This kind of disgusts me. I still enjoy things, I still like living my days most of the time, and I still have some friends, so I just should forget about this whole thing for a while.
