Entry tags:
(no subject)
I met with one of my friends today. I hadn't seen her in a while so it was nice to talk to her, even though I was in a negative funk. I just told her how I've realized that most of the people who I thought as being my friends really weren't as great of them as I thought. Some of them have just faded away from my life, for little to no reason.
It just makes me wonder, do I attach to people too much? Do I trust them more than I should? Do I tell them a lot more than I should?
To be absolutely serious, there is really only one person in my life who knows about all the horrible stuff in my head, and still likes me (she is the friend I talked to today). I haven't told the others because I know that it would scare them away.
So in reality, I really only have one friend. But I suppose it all depends on how you would define 'friend'. Some people have a very broad, shallow definition of it; others hold it in high esteem, and only give it to a handful of people, if they do at all. I am of the former; I have no problems making "friends" or even keeping them for a while, but almost all of the friendships I have had have been very superficial and shallow. I often wonder if I am really capable of having a deep relationship with someone; honestly, I feel as if that part of me has atrophied due to being originally over-sensitive, and later on calloused and paranoid.
I really just see others as those who would be more than willing to cause me harm, or at least wouldn't care. This isn't really due to some juvenile pessimism towards humanity; that is just how they are. History has proven this.
The fact that I realize that I have a problem with really knowing who is a friend, who can be trusted, as well as that I may be forever-alone due to being a quasi-sociopath means that I am making a certain amount of progress. All I need is a solution of some sort. The problem is that I have no idea what that would be.
Maybe there is no solution, or that it is too late for one. What if this is just my way, my destiny? I don't believe in fate, however I have come to realize that I probably have the odd mindset that I have for a reason. I'm curious as to what that reason is. I still have potential to make something out of myself.
It just makes me wonder, do I attach to people too much? Do I trust them more than I should? Do I tell them a lot more than I should?
To be absolutely serious, there is really only one person in my life who knows about all the horrible stuff in my head, and still likes me (she is the friend I talked to today). I haven't told the others because I know that it would scare them away.
So in reality, I really only have one friend. But I suppose it all depends on how you would define 'friend'. Some people have a very broad, shallow definition of it; others hold it in high esteem, and only give it to a handful of people, if they do at all. I am of the former; I have no problems making "friends" or even keeping them for a while, but almost all of the friendships I have had have been very superficial and shallow. I often wonder if I am really capable of having a deep relationship with someone; honestly, I feel as if that part of me has atrophied due to being originally over-sensitive, and later on calloused and paranoid.
I really just see others as those who would be more than willing to cause me harm, or at least wouldn't care. This isn't really due to some juvenile pessimism towards humanity; that is just how they are. History has proven this.
The fact that I realize that I have a problem with really knowing who is a friend, who can be trusted, as well as that I may be forever-alone due to being a quasi-sociopath means that I am making a certain amount of progress. All I need is a solution of some sort. The problem is that I have no idea what that would be.
Maybe there is no solution, or that it is too late for one. What if this is just my way, my destiny? I don't believe in fate, however I have come to realize that I probably have the odd mindset that I have for a reason. I'm curious as to what that reason is. I still have potential to make something out of myself.