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Feb. 11th, 2014 06:27 pmI'm in the middle of an episode right now.
I don't know why. I was doing okay until I came home after class and then WHAM. This has happened so often that it has scrambled the emotional part of my brain, so as such I have no fucking idea why I'm like this, or why it is the way it is.
Well, that isn't true. Dad told me yesterday that he has a girlfriend now. That could be fucking with me. I acted neutral about it, but the truth is that it is going to change the family dynamics quite a bit. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind him moving away and having a life completely separate from me (in fact, I would prefer that); but I wouldn't like any of the drama that will come with it. And I know that there will be.
If it gets bad, I'll just keep my distance. I have enough respect for myself to do that. But it will fuck me up, either way. It hasn't even been two years since Mom died. Deep down inside, I really don't accept any of it. So now I do know why I'm having an episode.
I guess I'm not as emotionally retarded or as damaged as I thought. I mean, I eventually do figure things out, and I'm aware that I'm not normal. My earlier portion of my life warped me into an unlovable mess.
In other news, I got a book on Tibetan Meditation today, from the university library. I will definitely read it, but not today. I'm too emotionally frazzled.
I don't know why. I was doing okay until I came home after class and then WHAM. This has happened so often that it has scrambled the emotional part of my brain, so as such I have no fucking idea why I'm like this, or why it is the way it is.
Well, that isn't true. Dad told me yesterday that he has a girlfriend now. That could be fucking with me. I acted neutral about it, but the truth is that it is going to change the family dynamics quite a bit. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind him moving away and having a life completely separate from me (in fact, I would prefer that); but I wouldn't like any of the drama that will come with it. And I know that there will be.
If it gets bad, I'll just keep my distance. I have enough respect for myself to do that. But it will fuck me up, either way. It hasn't even been two years since Mom died. Deep down inside, I really don't accept any of it. So now I do know why I'm having an episode.
I guess I'm not as emotionally retarded or as damaged as I thought. I mean, I eventually do figure things out, and I'm aware that I'm not normal. My earlier portion of my life warped me into an unlovable mess.
In other news, I got a book on Tibetan Meditation today, from the university library. I will definitely read it, but not today. I'm too emotionally frazzled.
