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Sep. 1st, 2013 11:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
promenyWhew, that was a ringer of a past couple of days.
I really lost it. I'm sort of ashamed of myself. What was strange was that I didn't see it coming; I usually do. Usually there is this aura or feeling that gradually builds up until I break, but this time it just happened out of the blue.
Well, some things actually did happen, but they were unusual and I brushed them off. Hearing sounds off into the distance, and seeing things that weren't there. From the corner of my eye, I'll eventually see a face. Scary to most, but I'm just used to it.
I'm a piece of garbage. I know that. But I am that way because that is what others want me to be. I try to succeed, and I usually fail in the end. The sad thing is that the few times I have succeeded (getting a M.A., working a strenuous job for 14 months virtually every day of it) it never amounted to anything in the end. I don't know what to make of myself, what to do with myself, or how to do it.
I didn't go to church today. I'm too mentally ill right now for that.
I'm physically sick, too. I have nasal/sinus congestion and a headache. My roommate thought that I was hungover but it doesn't feel like that. I had a little bit of it last night, too.
I have a theory that some mental illnesses or episodes are actually triggered by viruses or other contagious maladies. That would explain why psychotic people such as myself usually get headaches when they have an episode. Most people would think I'm nuts but I really do think it works like that, sometimes.
In any case I'm feeling slightly more sane right now, but just as disorganized. I can't focus or think straight. I really don't know how to be anymore.
I really lost it. I'm sort of ashamed of myself. What was strange was that I didn't see it coming; I usually do. Usually there is this aura or feeling that gradually builds up until I break, but this time it just happened out of the blue.
Well, some things actually did happen, but they were unusual and I brushed them off. Hearing sounds off into the distance, and seeing things that weren't there. From the corner of my eye, I'll eventually see a face. Scary to most, but I'm just used to it.
I'm a piece of garbage. I know that. But I am that way because that is what others want me to be. I try to succeed, and I usually fail in the end. The sad thing is that the few times I have succeeded (getting a M.A., working a strenuous job for 14 months virtually every day of it) it never amounted to anything in the end. I don't know what to make of myself, what to do with myself, or how to do it.
I didn't go to church today. I'm too mentally ill right now for that.
I'm physically sick, too. I have nasal/sinus congestion and a headache. My roommate thought that I was hungover but it doesn't feel like that. I had a little bit of it last night, too.
I have a theory that some mental illnesses or episodes are actually triggered by viruses or other contagious maladies. That would explain why psychotic people such as myself usually get headaches when they have an episode. Most people would think I'm nuts but I really do think it works like that, sometimes.
In any case I'm feeling slightly more sane right now, but just as disorganized. I can't focus or think straight. I really don't know how to be anymore.
