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Oct. 9th, 2013 12:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
promenyI had another interesting dream last night, where I was kept in a room in a Victorian house owned by cannibals and I escaped by beating the absolute crap out of the guard. I went through various lawns and neighborhoods trying to hide, and then I ended up with a young woman a decade younger than me. For some reason she took a liking to me and I had to tell her that it was wrong because of the age difference. Afterwards I was in hiding with two other people and I got a can of this liquid filled with flowers and opium pods; I was later accused by the woman (a different one) of trying to manufacture drugs.
I really don't know how to explain this dream other than I'm surrounded by young people in college, and I'm certainly not getting any younger. I'm going to be 30 next month.
I decided to decline the job offer at the call center yesterday, during the end of the training session. It wasn't because I would have gotten too tired and stressed out, although I would have. It also wasn't because I just wanted to live a comfy life receiving a little bit of money from SSI, although that is probably what is best for me. It is because I didn't have the right personality for the job. I am simply not the kind of person who makes insincere small talk with people that I don't know and will never know, and tries again and again to get them to donate money, even if it is to a good cause. I would be really fucking irritated if someone tried to do that to me, continually asking me for money when I made it clear that I didn't want to, and I sure as fuck wouldn't be the person who does that to others. I'm too considerate for that. It isn't beneath me, it just isn't something I either could, or should do.
I don't feel bad about it at all, now. I felt bad when I first did it but now I think I made one of the best decisions I ever made this year. I would have hated that job, and I would have hated myself for doing it. I can easily imagine coming back home from a shift feeling nothing but shame and self-loathing. I simply can't do something like that. Not to mention that I was doing better than ever without a job and to have one would mean to give half of the money I earn to SSI and to eventually jeopardize it.
I'm not against working. Not at all. I would love to have a job, but it has to be the right fit; something that I can actually do. But I'm unwilling to put myself into complete misery, because to be simply put, why do that to yourself when you have the option of not?
I don't regret this experience. It taught me many, many things about myself.
I really don't know how to explain this dream other than I'm surrounded by young people in college, and I'm certainly not getting any younger. I'm going to be 30 next month.
I decided to decline the job offer at the call center yesterday, during the end of the training session. It wasn't because I would have gotten too tired and stressed out, although I would have. It also wasn't because I just wanted to live a comfy life receiving a little bit of money from SSI, although that is probably what is best for me. It is because I didn't have the right personality for the job. I am simply not the kind of person who makes insincere small talk with people that I don't know and will never know, and tries again and again to get them to donate money, even if it is to a good cause. I would be really fucking irritated if someone tried to do that to me, continually asking me for money when I made it clear that I didn't want to, and I sure as fuck wouldn't be the person who does that to others. I'm too considerate for that. It isn't beneath me, it just isn't something I either could, or should do.
I don't feel bad about it at all, now. I felt bad when I first did it but now I think I made one of the best decisions I ever made this year. I would have hated that job, and I would have hated myself for doing it. I can easily imagine coming back home from a shift feeling nothing but shame and self-loathing. I simply can't do something like that. Not to mention that I was doing better than ever without a job and to have one would mean to give half of the money I earn to SSI and to eventually jeopardize it.
I'm not against working. Not at all. I would love to have a job, but it has to be the right fit; something that I can actually do. But I'm unwilling to put myself into complete misery, because to be simply put, why do that to yourself when you have the option of not?
I don't regret this experience. It taught me many, many things about myself.
