promeny

I had another interesting dream last night, where I was kept in a room in a Victorian house owned by cannibals and I escaped by beating the absolute crap out of the guard. I went through various lawns and neighborhoods trying to hide, and then I ended up with a young woman a decade younger than me. For some reason she took a liking to me and I had to tell her that it was wrong because of the age difference. Afterwards I was in hiding with two other people and I got a can of this liquid filled with flowers and opium pods; I was later accused by the woman (a different one) of trying to manufacture drugs.

I really don't know how to explain this dream other than I'm surrounded by young people in college, and I'm certainly not getting any younger. I'm going to be 30 next month.

I decided to decline the job offer at the call center yesterday, during the end of the training session. It wasn't because I would have gotten too tired and stressed out, although I would have. It also wasn't because I just wanted to live a comfy life receiving a little bit of money from SSI, although that is probably what is best for me. It is because I didn't have the right personality for the job. I am simply not the kind of person who makes insincere small talk with people that I don't know and will never know, and tries again and again to get them to donate money, even if it is to a good cause. I would be really fucking irritated if someone tried to do that to me, continually asking me for money when I made it clear that I didn't want to, and I sure as fuck wouldn't be the person who does that to others. I'm too considerate for that. It isn't beneath me, it just isn't something I either could, or should do.

I don't feel bad about it at all, now. I felt bad when I first did it but now I think I made one of the best decisions I ever made this year. I would have hated that job, and I would have hated myself for doing it. I can easily imagine coming back home from a shift feeling nothing but shame and self-loathing. I simply can't do something like that. Not to mention that I was doing better than ever without a job and to have one would mean to give half of the money I earn to SSI and to eventually jeopardize it.

I'm not against working. Not at all. I would love to have a job, but it has to be the right fit; something that I can actually do. But I'm unwilling to put myself into complete misery, because to be simply put, why do that to yourself when you have the option of not?

I don't regret this experience. It taught me many, many things about myself.

So I went to the doctor today.

A lot of things were said. It seems like my GERD has lessened somewhat but now he's concerned about how much alcohol I drink. He thought I was lying to him about how much I was drinking, when I wasn't. Although he did say that it is obvious that I know when to stop. I talked to him about my fatigue and he said that I should just eat more, better food with lots of vegetables and protein and to also quit drinking alcohol.

So yeah. No alcohol for me. No big deal; I'm not addicted and it is a bit over-rated anyways. I really only drink during the evenings because I am bored.

I am serious about this, although I can't say that I'm not put off just a little bit. I don't like it when people think that I have problems that I simply don't fucking have. I honestly think it is a generational thing; what would be considered excessive drinking to people significantly older than me would be considered normal to most people my age or younger.

The good news is that I may gain more energy from not drinking as well as eating more, so that is a plus.

I start training for my new job today; that should be something. If I do well it might actually really help me.