promeny

2017 has been good so far, but I feel that I might need to keep a low profile.

There is one very good thing: I have stopped drinking alcohol and smoking tobacco. I have been clean from those things since the 30th of last month, and I don't want to abuse those substances again. Oddly, I do not have any sleep deprivation anymore; I tend to get tired earlier and I often wake up in the early morning automatically, although I usually go back to bed since I'm still very tired.

I have gotten kind of depressed, though. The type where you are afraid of sitting down, because if you do, you are afraid that you might not get back up. While I am psychologically sad half the time, most of the time it is just a lack of energy. But I'd rather feel like that than to feel nothing at all, so as such it isn't too bad.

I'm actually very surprised about how easy it is to not drink and smoke. I decided not to do those things anymore because they were making me poor, and I also realized that I had been getting drunk almost every night for over six years and it didn't solve any problems. In a way, I feel like I'm back to square one (before I drank constantly, in my mid-20s), but I also am starting to think that I am older than I actually am. I just recently turned 33 and I'm already saying that I am 34; it is strange.

I met a guy at the co-op a few weeks ago and we started talking; he asked if he could see my writing and I said sure. I sent "Threads of The Mind" to him, and he really liked it. We then decided to talk about it at the University, which took place two days ago. It was a little awkward, but I still liked talking to him and I was flattered that he wrote a bunch of notes about my document. We talked for over an hour and a half; it was actually pretty cool. We'll likely talk again sometime; he has actually motivated me to write again. He isn't as articulate as me, but he's very open-minded and seems to understand when you explain the material.

My brother seems to be more busy with his life; we don't talk on the phone as much anymore. He does a lot of stuff with his girlfriend, which is okay, but I guess brothers move on after a certain age. My father had me read the bills to him on the phone; he is leaving on his sailing trip in a few days. His girlfriend also had me open stuff, and I found out that on her life insurance, my father is the primary beneficiary. She has two daughters, so that seems a little off. I don't know what to make of it right now; I haven't told anyone about it.

That is about it. I am thinking about moving to another apartment in town, but I have no idea how to do that. I might not be able to, but I'm starting to get a bad feeling about living here. I want to move away from the town, too, but this year isn't the right time for that.

Another weird month that was a bit long, although it seemed to go by relatively fast in the beginning. I should probably update more, but that might not be necessary since not a lot goes on in my life.

I'm feeling a bit better. I'm not so emotionally rattled or upset anymore, but that just recently happened. I think that the withdrawal has gone away, for the most part; I still have problems going to sleep, but they are more mild, and I wake up a bit earlier than I used to. I decided to eat meat again, because my teeth were starting to feel more sensitive and odd (they still do, to a lesser extent), although that might have been due to the stress that I was going through.

Over two weeks ago, I went to Lewiston to have a dental check-up. They had to delay my appointment by a few hours, so I decided to check out the town. Lewiston is a relatively depressing place, but there are some interesting things about it; a lot of urban decay. It is a fairly poor, working class small city that likely used to be a bit wealthier due to the now non-existent gold mines around the region. I've seen the postcards of the main street of Lewiston in the 1950s, and I couldn't recognize it at all; it just seems a lot larger and more fancy. Oddly, that historic image looks more like the version of Lewiston that I have in my dreams than the current version. A lot of industry is there, such as an inland seaport, bullet factories and paper mills. It smells really bad. When I went back to Moscow, it was like entering the nice neighborhood of a run-down city. I hate the road that you have to use to go to Lewiston, because you have to go down a very steep decline on massive hills (practically mountains); many people have died on that road.

Last weekend, my friend who moved gave me her furniture. She was at my apartment with her husband, and it was a bit awkward for all of us. I told her before she came over that I should clean up, but she told me that it wasn't necessary. It wasn't that dirty, but it was pretty spartan (still sort of is) and I could tell that she and her husband got weird vibes from it, although it was relatively mild. They weren't disgusted, per se, but nonetheless I don't think I'm going to be hearing much from her again. If she was another person, I could understand, but she had known me for five years and I never laid a hand on her, and never will. I wasn't interested in her like that. I'm not mad at all, I just feel slightly violated; it wasn't like I had cartoon pornography hanging on my walls. To be fair, I might be over-interpreting the whole thing, and I can't clearly remember it, so as such it probably wasn't a big deal. At least the chair that I got from them is great; I use it to meditate, which I've been doing for about an hour each day. I think that is the reason why I'm relatively chill right now, because I've learned how to relax.

I talked to my sister today; we talked for about two and a half hours on the phone. She is fine but is highly worried about me talking about not being on SSI, which our brother was pressuring me to do. I told her that I wouldn't, but she was still insistent, and asked me what I should do with my time. I offered to go to a chess club, write an epic poem like Beowulf for NaNoWriMo, and to continue meditating. She approved of them, with the focus on the chess club because she believes that I should get out of the apartment more. She was also upset about other things, which was hard to deal with because I had triggered her unintentionally, but we resolved them, for the most part.

I really should never go off of SSI. I just have relatively low self-esteem, because despite my intelligence and degrees, I haven't amounted to anything yet. Both me and my sister were talking about our memories losing focus, and we both concluded that it was due to aging.

Overall I'm really not angry or upset. It is kind of hard to be, now that there isn't really anything to be upset about, as well as the fact that it doesn't do any good. All the times I've had anger, it just resulted in me having a lot more problems, so I just try to let it go now, unless if I have no choice. Since the visit, I've wondered about what I do in private, and if they are the right things for me to do (I don't do anything horrible or illegal). I now realize what if people knew about them, and how it would mess with me. There are people who make me look entirely normal, even in private, but nonetheless I do have to add that I am a little off. A part of me realizes that I should grow up and be a little bit more selfless, at least in focus. And as for the visit, I really just feel relief about it, since that will likely never happen again, and it really wasn't that horrible. If anything, she was probably just surprised that I live my life with too little possessions, especially given my upbringing. She did seem somewhat impressed with my book collection, though. Either way, live and learn.

For the most part, I have reason to be somewhat positive about the whole thing. Or at least, I shouldn't be negative about it.

It has been almost a whole month since I last posted here. I forgot to visit this place until just recently, due to a lot of stuff happening.

On the 23rd of the last month, I decided to stop taking Olanzapine. I just felt that it got in the way of my emotions and the ability to experience pleasure in my life, and I was right about that. But what I didn't know, was that going off of it induces quite a nasty withdrawal, and I had no idea about that. Of course, I am well experienced with both taking medication and going off of medication, since I've been doped up for half my life. Despite this, the past few weeks have been somewhat hellish, to say the least, although there has been a lot of good, too. And it is also important to note that this is in no way my worst instance of going off of a medication. It is really only about the 3rd worst withdrawal I've had.

So, what is it like? At first, it felt wonderful. I felt like I could actually feel things in life again, and this is in fact true. I don't have to use substances in order to enjoy myself; I haven't used drugs in weeks and I hate smoking now, because it tastes gross. I still feel like drinking beer occasionally, but that is really only to calm my nerves, and I no longer feel the need to get drunk every day anymore (I don't even drink half as much as I used to). I can feel "high" just by being myself, and doing something as simple as looking at grass makes me feel grateful to be alive. Nonetheless, a few days later the negative symptoms started to appear. Headaches occurred, I felt nauseous, I was scatterbrained, I had horrible irritability, I had weird abdominal cramps, I felt that I was going to have a heart attack, I didn't want to eat, and so on. While I didn't want to off myself and I didn't feel like I was going to die, I still felt really sick, and I wasn't really myself for a few days. In some ways, I'm still not, for I'm not really able to be around people unless if I'm going to see people I already know. I was never an extremely friendly character in my full-grown adulthood, but my asocial nature has reached a higher level. I don't want to stop being friends with the ones I'm already on good terms with, but I have no desire to be friends with anyone else. I'm still polite, though.

I don't regret doing this, and the withdrawal effects have calmed down somewhat, but I think that I really am a changed person, albeit mostly for the better. Despite wanting little to do with others, I no longer have addiction problems (right now, at least), I feel happier, I'm more socially aware, I no longer have my delusions, I don't have violent fantasies, I'm usually not angry, and I feel like I'm finally taking the steps towards becoming my true self. I am a little less focused and perhaps a bit more paranoid, but I always was.

I think that I had delusions because the Olanzapine limited my ability to think in terms of associations and depth, and as such I became more frustrated and emotionally aroused when I couldn't figure out a problem due to that limitation. From that, I came to conclusions based on insubstantial evidence, something that I otherwise would not have done. But once I stopped taking the medication, I was able to finally face my demons, and I got over them, at least for now.

I told two of my friends last week, and at first they were worried about me, but now they are fine about it. I also told my brother three days ago and my therapist yesterday, and both were surprisingly supportive. I honestly feel that I'm on the right track now.

My brother told me that due to being medicated for half my life, beginning at the age of 16, I wasn't able to really establish my true identity, and now I can. I think that he was absolutely right about that. There were so many things that I did from then until now, that were the result of my brain being messed with, and thus me being confused. It was really tragic, if you think about it.

I might write a book about how I survived the "system", sooner or later. I'm going to give it a few months, though, just to see how things turn out.

Outside of that, I've been noticing some odd things in the world, but they are interesting things that make me wonder about the nature of existence. I might write about those at a later time, though. Right now, I'm just going to take things as they are, because it would be too soon to come to any conclusions.

It has been a while again.

Apparently someone disappeared at my apartment complex. He was an older guy who had to use a cane, and I hardly saw him without some malt liquor. Most disappearances of that sort are usually suicides, but the odd thing was that he didn't kill himself inside his apartment. I saw the inside as they were cleaning it out, and it was filled with several (and I mean a FUCKLOAD) tallboys of malt liquor.

It made me reflect. I thought to myself, "Is this where I am headed? Do I want to end up like that? I don't think that I will, but I might." So as such, I have to be careful about how I treat myself and how I live my life, else I end up like him, or something similar.

I talked to the guy who lives right next to where that guy lived, and he turned out to be a nice guy; I thought that I wouldn't like him, but I'm usually wrong about that. He says that the cleaners asked him what happened, so as such no one has any idea what happened. Today the cleaning lady (who I think was my former neighbor at the place where I used to live) claimed that he stole her pink purse, and he called the cops on the matter to get it all resolved. Isn't that pleasant (and downright surreal, for that matter)?

Still am not drinking every day. I've been doing that for a while, so as such this is something significant. I don't think I've done anything like this, to be honest. Complete dry stretches, yes, but not moderated drinking. My bank account is doing better, as is my health. I still might drink today, though.

All in all, that is all. Just reading books and taking care of necessary stuff.

I move exactly a week from now.

I've been okay at not spending too much money, and I have done better than realistically expected, but I'm going to have to be careful with my money from now on. Should have been a bit earlier, and I sort of was, but I was somewhat dependent on alcohol, and that stuff is too expensive. If I stop drinking alcohol altogether, I will actually be more able to save money. I need to do that. It isn't impossible because I'm already drinking less and I have the motivation to quit; not only that, I'm not an alcoholic, although I sort of approached that at times. I also quit smoking again, and I don't plan on ever picking that back up. I need to stop things short before they turn into real problems again.

Other than that, just preparing for the move. I'm optimistic, but I know that I'm going to have to make some changes and some sacrifices in order for this to work out well, and I think I can do it. It will be great because not only will I be on my own, but it will give me an opportunity to change my life a bit. There are a lot of things that I have wanted to do, but haven't, simply because I live with someone else. Mostly just stuff that would require a lot of focus, like painting in the living room. I actually did make a painting about two years ago; I'm not good at it, but I want to do it again. There are many things I would like to do, that I am not necessarily good at (drawing, painting, making mashups, etc.).

I have had some success with my special power recently; I was able to enter into the mental realm in two consecutive days. The first day was just a vista of a industrial district of a city, and the second day was a vivid movie clip and a summoning attempt. For some odd reason, my ability to see in the mental realm "fogs up" at times. I have no idea why; perhaps it is the sign that I don't have enough energy for the sight to remain stable, or that I still need to advance my ability? Who can say? All I know is that I've never heard of anyone ever being able to do anything like this, and I've been many places and have listened to many people. I must have a special and rare, albeit currently very weak power. I'd love to do more with it, and to see if there are others with the same ability.

Well, I found a place about a week ago, and I move in on the 24th.

It is great because I was so worried, and now I realize that while I had reason to be paranoid, it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was. The place itself is decent, but I will miss this place, in particular the view. But it is a one bedroom and is actually cheaper there than here, so it will probably work out for the best. Outside of my last year in graduate school, I never had a place that was solely my own (actually, there was that basement that I lived in for three months, but that place was terrible, so as such it doesn't quite count). In any case it has been a long time that I will have a private place, at the very least.

I've still been worked up, though. Don't quite know why; you'd think that the issues would be over when the problems are solved, but that is not always the case. Perhaps emotions don't work like that; it goes back to how I stated over half a year ago that we have more than one mind. I had a hard time today, but I drank a bit too much last night. I'm going to try to not drink so much anymore. I mean, what is the point?

I've been reading again. Mostly poetry by French authors. I rather like Rimbaud, but I feel that my style doesn't ascribe to any school of poetry, nor should it. I don't even try for it not to; it just doesn't. I'm almost done with my second book of poems.

I realized something about a week ago: my mother is dead, will always be dead, and I can only ever see her in my dreams from now on, and as such, I need to move on. Drinking won't make it better, nor will mourning on an annual basis. I just don't feel anything anymore, and it is long past, so as such, I have to move on. Although to be fair, I didn't drink that horribly this time around. It just feels natural to let it pass...I've changed a lot since she died.

I feel like I've become an idiot. I'm not; I'm just burdened right now. Stress can change the way you think for a while; it will probably last for a few weeks or so.

I'm in a better mood now, and I don't feel so down about my life or anything like that. I had a realization about a day after I wrote the last entry that I just felt the way I did because I was doing the same thing over and over again, and not really going anywhere. I wasn't really going anywhere because I wasn't doing anything new; how can you explore the vast realm of life when you keep on going to the same places on the map? In order to feel less like a loser, and to have greater capacity to do great things in life, I have to try out new things. That's it. And fortunately, I'm starting to do that right now.

There is also the whole thing about life being a means rather than a predestined end, or at least, that is how it seems to me. Life is about doing as the things possible to reach the end that you want to achieve, and then perhaps another and so on. There is no particular end chosen for you, at least not from the outset. So as such, one should take solace in the fact that they have the freedom (hopefully, at least) to work towards their desired goals, and that means that one should try all avenues possible and prevent oneself from doing the same thing over and over again, because that is akin to banging one's head repeatedly against the wall.

As such, I'm going to take a hiatus from writing; it takes up too much time and while there has been some reward, it has been all intrinsic and I've kind of hit a plateau. It is very hard to be a successful writer these days; very few publishers would even look at what I've written and while I do have the option to self-publish, I wouldn't get much attention from that. I still will write books again some day, but not right now.

I'm still going to read books, though. I need all of the information that I can get and need to keep my brain from stagnating, even if most of the information isn't immediately practical or rewarding.

So, what will I do now? I already know: I'm going to practice programming again. I finally have a sense of how to do it, and I have chosen a language to use in order to begin messing around. I will use Pascal first, but if that proves to be too impractical I'll switch to BASIC instead. Both languages are very simple and you can't really do a whole lot with them, but I'm not looking to construct some very serious and powerful programs just yet. I want to start small first, and not be too serious in my endeavors; not only will I be more able to have fun with it, but I'll be far less likely to become disenchanted and frustrated with it if I run into problems in the beginning. If I treat it has a game, as a source of amusement, then I'll probably be more able to be productive.

I'm doing this in order to learn something practical and constructive. If I get experienced enough, I will be able to to actually create some new, interesting things, and maybe someday I can create a program that will catch people's eyes. But nothing is guaranteed and I just want to create some new works of art, anyways. Either way, I'm doing something both interesting and useful. Eventually I can move on to a better, more powerful and complex language, if I'm smart enough.

Nothing else is happening. Pretty quiet around here.

On the 7th of this month, was the anniversary of me leaving my main job, and have a life that was largely unburdened by external factors.

I knew that it was sometime around now, but I didn't know the exact date until I looked at the first poem I wrote in the notebook that I carry around.

Some people thought that I would just stagnate. And for a while, I did. Between March and June of last year I did a bunch of legal drugs, such as Nutmeg, DXM, DPH, LSA, Kratom, as well as plenty of herbal supplements taken in excess and copious amounts of hard beer. I guess that this was the "cleansing" period of my life, in some odd way. To get all of the debauchery and bad habits out of my system so that they wouldn't haunt me for the rest of my life.

I ended up going to the psych ward in May of last year, and soon afterwards I stopped the drug use (outside of DXM and Kratom, which I only did occasionally). I still drank a lot of beer (the extent of which amazes me to this day), but that was because I was dealing with the upcoming anniversary of my mother's death. There was simply no other way to handle it at the time.

Now, I still do drugs on the occasion when it is appropriate. Nitrous oxide has proven to be interesting, and DXM will definitely be done again in about four months from now. But they are no longer my life. I have other things to do, and to focus on. I'm keeping away from beer now, and what I drink now is pretty mild and not in excess (I haven't been seriously drunk in four months).

But since I've settled down, I've realized that since about July of last year, I have made tremendous steps forward in order to become something worthwhile in this world. I've written over 360 poems, dozens of essays, made two computer games, made a painting (want to make more, but it is sort of on the side right now), and I even wrote a book. And it will only go forward from here. There is no sign of me stopping.

It was all because I started reading academic books. It opened my mind to so many different things, got me out of my self-pity and emotional stagnation, and helped me discover many things about both the mind and the world that I had no idea existed. I've read over 40 books or so, and I'm not stopping anytime soon (although I did take a break from it when I wrote A Soul Turned).

So no, I'm not a failure. I'm on the way to something great. And it will happen.

So I'm just chilling out. I'm collecting some philosophical papers, mainly on Godel's incompleteness theorem, so that eventually I can write my own philosophical paper. I'm very interested in applying the theorem in a way that I don't think has been done before, and I would very much like to see how others would react to it.

The internet people are going to come over today and set things up. I'm excited for that. There may be a chance that it won't work, but I'm pretty sure that it will.

As such I'm in a better mood right now, if not a little bored. I'm glad that I decided to stop whining; it was taking up too much time and it was draining.