(no subject)
Jul. 29th, 2017 09:13 pmThis may or may not be my last update.
These past few months have been weird. I'm not in any serious danger, since I don't really do anything wrong, but it just feels like I've been living in the Twilight Zone since the last incident. Everyone is just so judgmental and overly sensitive these days, to the point where I really do need to not bother with anyone and just go somewhere else. There is nowhere else to go, though, at least not right now. And there is nothing I can do about people being the way they are right now, so as such I just need to keep a low profile and stay indoors.
I hate it. I mean, I don't hate myself, I don't hate my life, I just hate how the world is right now (at least my neck of the woods). Things have just gotten so odd; my brother was over here for my mother's death anniversary (fifth year) and it was fun to be around him, drinking Rolling Rock together in my apartment and beating him at Street Fighter II on the Sega Genesis (out of ten matches, he only won twice; that surprised me since I'm not good at those games, either). But even he noticed that things were off back when he walked back to my father's house because he was too drunk to drive (I told him not to); he noticed on the way back that there were a lot of closed businesses and there were, indeed, a lot of cop cars around, which I had warned him about. The cops were everywhere for about three weeks, and even others noticed that. They are mostly gone now, but I still wonder what the hell that was all about. My brother just chalked it up to a lack of students and crime rate going up. The first part is definitely true (you don't see a lot of students anymore, even during the school year, although there are a few younger people walking around at night, for some odd reason), but I don't know about the second. I certainly hope that isn't the case.
I am drinking beer again, although I only drink about two beers every other day and I rarely get intentionally drunk anymore. I do smoke, though, and that sort of bothers me. I don't think that I'm going to die from it anytime soon, but I still don't like it. At least I don't have any reason to think that I'm irresponsible with alcohol anymore, especially since I hate it half the time I even have one pint.
I somewhat overspent this month; not too proud of that, although I think it was because I was depressed. I don't even spend that much; I just have very little money. I used to buy coffee a lot, but now I get it with EBT from Winco, and that stuff is surprisingly decent. If I sell some of my stuff and watch my finances, which I'm normally good at, I don't think that I'll be in any deep shit. Most who would see what problems that I currently have would likely roll their eyes and think "You have got to be kidding me", because most people have way worse problems. But it does kind of irk me that even the typical poor can afford to have a nice dinner at a restaurant at least twice a month, whereas I can't. Sucks.
Moscow seems to be shrinking to me. I can't go to the university (still don't want to talk about that, but it wasn't my fault), the bars are all filled with overly sensitive types who were nothing like that as little as two years ago or less (with the exception of one, but I only go there when few people are in there, because it small and almost always crowded), I don't want to go to the churches (wouldn't do any good, anyway), I don't want to go near the house that my mother died in if I can help it (the fact that my father married some stranger who got most of my mother's stuff doesn't help), I don't want to go to Starbucks (too expensive, too crowded, and the people there are too liberal), and even the smoke shop that I regularly go to probably isn't that welcoming any more. Someone there innocently told me that a guy that I knew of for years is leaving, and I innocuously asked him about it the next day; he got all strained and quietly mad, but I mistook it for him making some sarcastic joke (he had done that in the past). As it turns out, he's getting fired. I have no idea why because he is educated and worked there a bit; I merely told him that someone told me and he said "Yeah I know. I'm not happy with that person." I looked over to the other dude, who never seemed to have a problem with me, and he shook his head and mouthed "It wasn't me"; the man I was talking to wasn't looking, so I just quietly nodded. Having the wisdom to get out of there, I told those two that I hoped they had a good day, and the other dude (the one who gestured "It wasn't me") sadly said "You too." As such, it would be a good idea not to go back there anytime soon.
It sucks. I can't get close to anyone anymore, not that I really wanted to. I told this to my friend (really my only one by this point) and he confirmed. I told him about the incident and I asked him if it was my fault. He said that some of it was my social awkwardness but for the most part, it was simply me being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I came to that conclusion before he did. I told him that now he knows why I want to be a hermit, and he fully understood.
I was reading some of my former entries here, with me talking about friends. I have no memory of anything like that now. Odd how you can forget your friends or what you said or did with them, because they all (or at least most) will stab you in the back eventually. I think it is for two reasons: I am an older man who doesn't have any status or money, and I'm out of any social networking loop. I was tolerated at the university because I once had people there that would "support" me, but once one moved away, the other gradually turned away. I'm not really that creepy, I mean I don't hit on anyone and I don't talk to people I don't already know, or at least know of. I guess being an older nobody is enough to offend people, even though I did occasionally say some off-color jokes to my so-called "friends" (I did that for several years though without incident before THE CHANGE, so it isn't my fault). That one "friend" who turned on me? I knew that person for six and a half years, and that one never did anything about it until this year; nothing I did until early this year was any problem at all, or at least that person was very good at pretending, giving me free coffee and shit. I talked about that to my therapist, my only remaining friend, and others, and they were baffled. Just a bunch of liberal intolerance and bullshit at its finest. And I feel that it will likely just get worse, because of the narcissism fueled by social media. People really have to get their fucking heads out of their asses, I mean I eventually did, although when no one else does, all you can do is run or hide. When the other side takes power (the alt-right, and they likely will, sooner or later) those people won't know what the fuck to do. They wouldn't run and they'd be too stupid to hide, even if they could by that point. At least I can still do that.
Of course, other stuff happened as well, but I don't want to talk about it. Mostly about how my father acted during the death anniversary; acted bizarre during the cookout the day prior to it and when we were at the graveyard (my brother invited him, what an idiot...) he never said a single word about my mother, and didn't even look at my mother's grave that he's also on until my brother caught him not looking. He then just did the same stuff that he did last time he was there, in 2014; just completely unmoved and pointing to my brother our relatives. It was completely inappropriate, and I told my brother that I don't want him there again. Of course, he saw nothing wrong with it. At least they didn't go on some hike or fire guns in some backwoods road, although that was only because my father's new wife had a doctor's appointment. All the time I was there, my father never said a single word about my mother. He even forgot about it until I brought up that my brother was coming down a while back; this happened as soon as 2015.
Now you know why I can't get close to people. All relationships barely have anything genuine behind them, if they do at all. I learned that the hard way, but I did adapt to it, at least. Admittedly, the growing pains are quite painful indeed. You really do go a little nuts when no one cares about you, but no one really cares about anybody, they only pretend. Young minds aren't used to that, though; they have to have the illusion that the world is warm and welcoming. Breaking the false image into reality can drive one insane, but I'm used to that by now.
I don't know what I want to do anymore. I sort of sworn off drugs and I'm not quite passionate about anything. I've been thinking a lot about how I should continue down this long (or not so long) course of life and I do need to change a bit, because I was pretty juvenile for a while. I don't really want to do anything for anyone; not primarily out of selfishness, but because I'm just so used to seeing people giving me bad looks in the streets, including some people I had known in the past. Why help anyone like that? Other people just look like bags of flesh to me; I don't even hate them, I just don't feel any attachment, and wisely so. I wasn't like that when I was a bit younger; I wanted to know more people and know more of the world. But there is only so much that is worth knowing. As for the bad looks, even two years ago it was different; I can recall one person openly giving me the evil eye in public. In fairness, I think others have caught me looking at them wrong, too. At least I'm not spineless.
On the lighter side of things, I do like playing video games and I discovered that Appian Way Pizza, while it is messy to make and looks gross when made, is actually very cheap and delicious, although probably not that great for you. I still want to do things with my life, but I have to focus on the here and now, rather than be in some imagined dreamy La La Land where I have achieved all that I can never achieve, ever. Sad thing is that "now" doesn't provide much, although it is still better than just a dream.
These past few months have been weird. I'm not in any serious danger, since I don't really do anything wrong, but it just feels like I've been living in the Twilight Zone since the last incident. Everyone is just so judgmental and overly sensitive these days, to the point where I really do need to not bother with anyone and just go somewhere else. There is nowhere else to go, though, at least not right now. And there is nothing I can do about people being the way they are right now, so as such I just need to keep a low profile and stay indoors.
I hate it. I mean, I don't hate myself, I don't hate my life, I just hate how the world is right now (at least my neck of the woods). Things have just gotten so odd; my brother was over here for my mother's death anniversary (fifth year) and it was fun to be around him, drinking Rolling Rock together in my apartment and beating him at Street Fighter II on the Sega Genesis (out of ten matches, he only won twice; that surprised me since I'm not good at those games, either). But even he noticed that things were off back when he walked back to my father's house because he was too drunk to drive (I told him not to); he noticed on the way back that there were a lot of closed businesses and there were, indeed, a lot of cop cars around, which I had warned him about. The cops were everywhere for about three weeks, and even others noticed that. They are mostly gone now, but I still wonder what the hell that was all about. My brother just chalked it up to a lack of students and crime rate going up. The first part is definitely true (you don't see a lot of students anymore, even during the school year, although there are a few younger people walking around at night, for some odd reason), but I don't know about the second. I certainly hope that isn't the case.
I am drinking beer again, although I only drink about two beers every other day and I rarely get intentionally drunk anymore. I do smoke, though, and that sort of bothers me. I don't think that I'm going to die from it anytime soon, but I still don't like it. At least I don't have any reason to think that I'm irresponsible with alcohol anymore, especially since I hate it half the time I even have one pint.
I somewhat overspent this month; not too proud of that, although I think it was because I was depressed. I don't even spend that much; I just have very little money. I used to buy coffee a lot, but now I get it with EBT from Winco, and that stuff is surprisingly decent. If I sell some of my stuff and watch my finances, which I'm normally good at, I don't think that I'll be in any deep shit. Most who would see what problems that I currently have would likely roll their eyes and think "You have got to be kidding me", because most people have way worse problems. But it does kind of irk me that even the typical poor can afford to have a nice dinner at a restaurant at least twice a month, whereas I can't. Sucks.
Moscow seems to be shrinking to me. I can't go to the university (still don't want to talk about that, but it wasn't my fault), the bars are all filled with overly sensitive types who were nothing like that as little as two years ago or less (with the exception of one, but I only go there when few people are in there, because it small and almost always crowded), I don't want to go to the churches (wouldn't do any good, anyway), I don't want to go near the house that my mother died in if I can help it (the fact that my father married some stranger who got most of my mother's stuff doesn't help), I don't want to go to Starbucks (too expensive, too crowded, and the people there are too liberal), and even the smoke shop that I regularly go to probably isn't that welcoming any more. Someone there innocently told me that a guy that I knew of for years is leaving, and I innocuously asked him about it the next day; he got all strained and quietly mad, but I mistook it for him making some sarcastic joke (he had done that in the past). As it turns out, he's getting fired. I have no idea why because he is educated and worked there a bit; I merely told him that someone told me and he said "Yeah I know. I'm not happy with that person." I looked over to the other dude, who never seemed to have a problem with me, and he shook his head and mouthed "It wasn't me"; the man I was talking to wasn't looking, so I just quietly nodded. Having the wisdom to get out of there, I told those two that I hoped they had a good day, and the other dude (the one who gestured "It wasn't me") sadly said "You too." As such, it would be a good idea not to go back there anytime soon.
It sucks. I can't get close to anyone anymore, not that I really wanted to. I told this to my friend (really my only one by this point) and he confirmed. I told him about the incident and I asked him if it was my fault. He said that some of it was my social awkwardness but for the most part, it was simply me being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I came to that conclusion before he did. I told him that now he knows why I want to be a hermit, and he fully understood.
I was reading some of my former entries here, with me talking about friends. I have no memory of anything like that now. Odd how you can forget your friends or what you said or did with them, because they all (or at least most) will stab you in the back eventually. I think it is for two reasons: I am an older man who doesn't have any status or money, and I'm out of any social networking loop. I was tolerated at the university because I once had people there that would "support" me, but once one moved away, the other gradually turned away. I'm not really that creepy, I mean I don't hit on anyone and I don't talk to people I don't already know, or at least know of. I guess being an older nobody is enough to offend people, even though I did occasionally say some off-color jokes to my so-called "friends" (I did that for several years though without incident before THE CHANGE, so it isn't my fault). That one "friend" who turned on me? I knew that person for six and a half years, and that one never did anything about it until this year; nothing I did until early this year was any problem at all, or at least that person was very good at pretending, giving me free coffee and shit. I talked about that to my therapist, my only remaining friend, and others, and they were baffled. Just a bunch of liberal intolerance and bullshit at its finest. And I feel that it will likely just get worse, because of the narcissism fueled by social media. People really have to get their fucking heads out of their asses, I mean I eventually did, although when no one else does, all you can do is run or hide. When the other side takes power (the alt-right, and they likely will, sooner or later) those people won't know what the fuck to do. They wouldn't run and they'd be too stupid to hide, even if they could by that point. At least I can still do that.
Of course, other stuff happened as well, but I don't want to talk about it. Mostly about how my father acted during the death anniversary; acted bizarre during the cookout the day prior to it and when we were at the graveyard (my brother invited him, what an idiot...) he never said a single word about my mother, and didn't even look at my mother's grave that he's also on until my brother caught him not looking. He then just did the same stuff that he did last time he was there, in 2014; just completely unmoved and pointing to my brother our relatives. It was completely inappropriate, and I told my brother that I don't want him there again. Of course, he saw nothing wrong with it. At least they didn't go on some hike or fire guns in some backwoods road, although that was only because my father's new wife had a doctor's appointment. All the time I was there, my father never said a single word about my mother. He even forgot about it until I brought up that my brother was coming down a while back; this happened as soon as 2015.
Now you know why I can't get close to people. All relationships barely have anything genuine behind them, if they do at all. I learned that the hard way, but I did adapt to it, at least. Admittedly, the growing pains are quite painful indeed. You really do go a little nuts when no one cares about you, but no one really cares about anybody, they only pretend. Young minds aren't used to that, though; they have to have the illusion that the world is warm and welcoming. Breaking the false image into reality can drive one insane, but I'm used to that by now.
I don't know what I want to do anymore. I sort of sworn off drugs and I'm not quite passionate about anything. I've been thinking a lot about how I should continue down this long (or not so long) course of life and I do need to change a bit, because I was pretty juvenile for a while. I don't really want to do anything for anyone; not primarily out of selfishness, but because I'm just so used to seeing people giving me bad looks in the streets, including some people I had known in the past. Why help anyone like that? Other people just look like bags of flesh to me; I don't even hate them, I just don't feel any attachment, and wisely so. I wasn't like that when I was a bit younger; I wanted to know more people and know more of the world. But there is only so much that is worth knowing. As for the bad looks, even two years ago it was different; I can recall one person openly giving me the evil eye in public. In fairness, I think others have caught me looking at them wrong, too. At least I'm not spineless.
On the lighter side of things, I do like playing video games and I discovered that Appian Way Pizza, while it is messy to make and looks gross when made, is actually very cheap and delicious, although probably not that great for you. I still want to do things with my life, but I have to focus on the here and now, rather than be in some imagined dreamy La La Land where I have achieved all that I can never achieve, ever. Sad thing is that "now" doesn't provide much, although it is still better than just a dream.